Published December 12, 2011
Me and my loneliness
Often talk about how
If you were here, how would it feel?
What would you say?
You would be shocked on this
And laugh your beautiful laugh on that
If you would be here, this place would have been magical
Me and my loneliness
Often talk about...
Is this the night, or is this you soft black hair upon me
Or am I lost in your eyes?
Is this the moon or your bangle?
Are these the stars or your smile?
Is this the soft wind stroke or your scent?
I think of all this and I morn,
Even though I know
That you are not here, you are nowhere.
But this heart of mine, keeps telling me,
That you are here, somewhere here.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
You and Your Loneliness (not the exact title, but for ownership rights), for me, is a very good example of "wooing" poems. They sing of love. But the special note I had on this work of yours is the way you speak. The tone seemed raspy, filled with some longing (this explains the title)...
And I just love it. The way you express the words matters a lot in poems. Your choices were all finely taken up. The sequencing, though, is the part I doubt.
But still, this is a very good poem. Perfect for this discussion because of its emotional expression.
Keep writing and let us all do our bests!
Yours truly,
Al
I really liked this, it really speaks from the heart. The only criticism I have is
this line in particular didn't really flow with the rest. The other lines you have in that stanza all work well, a bangle can be compared with the moon, black hair to the night sky, and so on, but stars and a smile aren't really as similar as the others. I suppose the glint of teeth might remind you of a shining star, but it's not as easy to process as the others were. I would suggest you maybe edit this so that the stars are compared to the eyes, rather than leaving that hanging out there kind of awkward like.
Anyway, I've never been the best at being kind with my words, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way. You can always leave it just the way it is, it's beautiful without the edits and definitely has a lot of soul. I was just giving my personal opinion on how you could possibly better it
Keep writing and take my critique in consideration!
-Jackie
Nice poem, it isn't really my type but your a good poem writer nice job and keep up the good work!