Published December 22, 2010
Narrated by Lizzie
People say that if you love someone set them free. If they come back, they are yours, and if they don’t, they never were. But what if they come back and leave you again?
This is a story of a girl who is surrounded by people, but still alone. This is my story.
It has been five years since I first saw Ethan. His perfect eyes, his soft and shiny hair, his cute smile made me fall in love with him the minute I saw him. I was one of those people who did not believe in love at first sight, until now.
It was a beautiful day outside and we were practising for our upcoming assembly. While taking a five minutes break, I was glancing at people and there I saw Ethan with his friends. That very moment I felt like we were the only two people on Earth. I know it sounds all movies like. But that feeling was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt.
The sad thing is he didn’t even know I existed. I adored him from far for almost a year, but then, my parents gave the worst news of my life. We had to move, I was going to a different country. This was just not fair, I had to leave all my friends, my family, but most importantly, I had to go away from Ethan.
I had no choice but to leave. I was really sad and hated this country I was in now. But hey, life was pretty okay after that. I found Ethan on a social networking site and guess what, he knew me. I felt like nothing would go wrong now. We talked each and every day and somehow he came to know that I loved him.
He asked me out, and I said yes, obviously. Things were going great until I finally met him. I went back to my country after two years and there he was at the airport with a huge bouquet of flowers. I thought to myself that I am the luckiest on Earth to have such a wonderful boy friend.
But, as they say getting your hopes up too high hurts a lot in the end. He was there to tell me it was over between us. Was it just me, or the world was crashing on me? I just hoped that I was asleep and it was all a nightmare. But it was reality. I didn’t know why that was happening to me. Everything was perfect between us and all of a sudden he says it’s over. Why?
He left me there, with so many questions in my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well the first line there indicates that maybe this is going to fall really close to being a bit of a cliche narrative but with a twist that will make it stand out so that's already a good sign. The rest of the start is a bit cliche though, I'm pretty sure nearly the exact same words been used countless time before, the whole that's the moment I believed in true love story....don't get me wrong, I love to see it each time, but you might want to change that up if you want this opening to be more unique.
Well this is a bit interesting, it looks like this was a fairly one sided situation by the looks of things. Our protagonist here adored him for afar but it doesn't look like anything besides that ever managed to happen before the news of them moving out of the area would arrive and then they'd be very much separated.
Well that went along nicely with the thing that you proposed earlier...with the whole them managing to find each other regardless of what happened and that's actually kind of a sweet direction for this storyline to take here...and while it is unlikely for this sort of thing to happen, that just makes it better in my opinion.
That twist certainly took me by surprise there, I wasn't expecting the full story to unfurl in the first chapter itself, but it looks like you plan to start with the whole thing having already happened, and I've gotta say it makes for a pretty intriguing start. Despite the somewhat cliche start, the rest of it actually seems pretty good and I find myself wanting to read more of this piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I love where you are going with this, however i think you could use stronger vocabulary. Instead of using simple words like soft and shiny try something else like, smooth and glistening. Not necessarily those words. Thats was just and example, but over all, other than that, I love the idea, and story line.
Hi, Anshita! Pink here, dropping by for a short review.
So, I loved the beginning. It was written well and it was definitely a puller. The whole I was surrounded by everyone but still lonely part was a tad cliche but I could live with it. Now, this was quite short and you stuff a lot of information into this small little piece. Since this is a novel, I would recommend that you slow down your pace. Let us get to know your character and her setting. Don't dump the information on us at once, guide us through it slowly. This way, the pace is steady and we'll be able to get to know and connect to your protagonist.
As far as your writing goes, there wasn't any big mistakes and you have a pretty good knowledge of your punctuation and all. Nice. You have a beautiful narration and I'd love to see it used to it's full strength if you lengthened it and all. As mentioned above, I'd work on your abruptness and all. What made this guy go out with Lizzie? Why did he chose he have a long distance relationship with her online? What made her that special? You don't give us all the information and we need that in order to believe your characters. If you work on the little things, I can see this becoming quite a novel. Good luck on the rest of it. ^^
-Pink
What was vivid for me was your narration. I loved it, your voice is like a breath of fresh air on a hot sunny day. You were very honest in your writing.
What was unvivid for me was how abrupt you were with your plot timeline. It was also very mixed in what you were saying. When you write, you don't want to write about one thing, write about another, and then jump back to the first thing you were writing about. It has to be consistent. Also, I don't know if you want to mention the fact that he asked you out, right away. Don't you want to slowly build up on the story higher and higher during the whole process of it?
In all it was great
This is amazing. I wanted to cry when I read this. Very well written.
It was really good
the onlly problems were to do with the flow of it.
I think you should rephrase this, maybe; I was looking around and I saw Ethan with his friends
this doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
Other than that it was very good and i'd like to read more
Wow, this is great! You should keep on writing it, it looks like it could turn into something really amazing. I like your style of writing it's really down to earth. Fantastic!!! XxX