Published April 5, 2010
Life has turned its back towards me
I don’t know what to do
All of a sudden I want to shout and scream
And make my way through
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It is not what it looks like
It is not how it is suppose to be
I am suppose to be there with you
Spending time just you and me
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I never knew it was meant to be this way
It just turned my life upside down
Why didn’t you mention this before?
When I was there with you in that town
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It is not what it looks like
It is not how it is suppose to be
I am suppose to be there with you
Spending time just you and me
------------------------------------------------
What should I do?
I want to go back, but cannot do so
Please give me some kind of clue
How am I supposed to make my life the way it was before?
Do I need some kind of magic?
Do I need some kind of fairy?
To just simply turn my life around
the way it was before, sweet and merry
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It is not what it looks like
It is not how it is suppose to be
I am suppose to be there with you
Spending time just you and me
~Anshita
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Heya Anshita - just building upon what the other two said - the concept of love IS timeless, so I feel that you should have the freedom to explore it in your poetry. For personal reading, it does the job, but for presenting to other people, who will undoubtedly have read COUNTLESS poems and stories etc etc about love, you really need to present the idea of love to them on a different platter, something they haven't seen before.
Be creative with your combination of words. Use exciting imagery, and evoke more emotion in us - SHOW, don't TELL us how ths character in the poem feels.
For example - 'It just turned my life upside down ' This is an abslutely FASCINATING line - not new, by no means is the concept new, but you've got me thinking...there's so much that you could do with the concept of love here. Love could be the dancing monkey throughout that upturns everything in its wake. Love could be the moving air, that reverts everything it passes. Love could be...the possibilities are endless. Personify this 'love,' give it a bit of character, and it'll work wonders!
Hello, Anshita. As DRdante already pointed out, this belongs in the Lyrics section rather than Lyric Poetry. I suggest you PM a moderator and ask them to move it for you.
That said, this poem struck me as pretty bland. It's a common subject, and you really haven't presented it in a way that makes it stand out as a unique take on it. The rhyme also felt forced in places. Reading your poetry out loud will help you notice such things as forced rhymes and areas that sound "off". I suggest, if you wish to keep this in Lyric Poetry, that you go back through and write this out in regular prose form before going back and reformatting it into a poem. Also, taking the time to figure out what your unique views on this subject are and incorporating them into this poem would be a good idea.
I hope that was helpful.
Its a bit to plain for my taste so i don't think it stands alone well as other poems. The thing is these are lyrics. You even have a verse chorus. I know you put it under lyric poetry but that isn't the same thing. My advice, either keep the chorus and repost it in the Lyrics section, or get rid of all the choruses except for the very last and keep it in lyric poetry.