What if our lives are all in our head...
And we were all in an asylum, all of us patients together...Points:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I haven't had a chance to read the other reviews so forgive me if I'm repeating comments.
First of, I personally loved how philosophical the who thing was, questioning what we have assumed to be true.
One problem though is your constant use of (the?) ellipses. Many, if not all, of these could be either taken out or replaced with a comma, which not only would look better but would read better too.
Additionally, whether you keep the ellipses' (Is that the proper plural?) or not, you need to look over your capitalization. Sometimes after an ellipses you chose to capitalize and sometimes you don't. I've been rereading and I can't seem to find a pattern to your capitalization, though I may be overlooking it.
Hope this helps a bit! Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello!
I have a few things that I would like to point out to you that could help your writing improve in the future.
First off, I did like the idea of this poem- it's interesting thinking about life and receiving new ideas which can change our perception of the world. However I do think that it is a bit "jumpy", as it doesn't go into depth about the "what if" ideas. I agree with fortis's statement in his/her review which says that these thoughts are just ideas that cross our mind in the shower and pass pretty quickly when we snap back to reality ( oh there goes gravity, oh there goes rabbit, he choked, hes so mad but he wont give up that easy- sorry sorry now i have lose yourself stuck in my head *facepalm* )
Anyway back to the topic. The way it was worded kind of made me loose interest and the constant use of ellipses after every single sentence annoyed me slightly. A more sophisticated vocabulary would dramatically help your writing. Also I noticed some grammar issues throughout such as the use of were and we're. Texting abbreviations sometimes intefer with my writing and it seems to be the same with you? Instead of "cuz", you can use cause or because. Be careful with that!
A strong conclusion to this poem would be great to leave the reader thinking more about our world and pondering the "what if" ideas long after reading this work.
After re-reading this review I realised I did sound quite rude and picky. I intended to point out some things that you could fix to perfect this poem! ( Also, if you chose one of the what if possibilities that you wrote about, a great narrative could be written as you have some interesting concepts! )
I will keep my eye out for some of your future work!
- Matisse
Hello!
First off the over use of the ellipses (the ...'s) REALLY BOTHER ME. They read like they're supposed to sound dramatic, but to be honest they're just stupid. Sorry, this is a review, and I'm being honest. Use real punctuation, and this poem will look more professional and more people will want to read it.
These thoughts sound like "shower thoughts." You know, the things you think while you're naked, scrubbing animal fat on your body for cleanliness and water falls down on you from a tube. It really makes you ponder, no?
Anyway, this poem is like, a large orchestra playing real dramatic music, and then at the climax, it goes silent and all there is is a cough from the audience.
You're asking all these what if questions, and then you never finish them. You never persue any of the routes either. You never give the reader any concrete images. You bring up one topic then another, and discard them just as quickly. I want more pursuit of the meaning and message and implications behind these questions.
Also, your grammar is not that great. If you want people to take your poetry seriously, then you should learn the difference between "we're" and "were" and that "cuz" is an incorrect way of abbreviating "because," and you'd be safest just to say "Because."
Unless of course you're a rapper, and then I'm pretty sure it's spelled "cos." But maybe that's just if you're a British rapper.
There's little in this that is unique. I won't go far as to say it's cliche, but I feel like the main part of this poem was supposed to be asking unique questions. But I know I've definitely wondered these things before. Probably everyone has. Your job as the Creator Of The Original Piece Of Art is to create something Original! I know you can do better than this. If you think these questions, I know you must be a thinker. Try to think up questions you've never wondered before! That sounds hard, I know. I've never even tried it. But thinking up "deep" things and putting them into poem format does not create the best poetry, in my opinion. I was about to write "does not count as creating poetry," but hey, people say EVERYTHING is poetry, so who am I to judge what is and what isn't poetry?
I hope this helped! I see "poetential" in you! Just keep writing and improving and growing! If you ever need any help with your poeting needs, feel free to ask me!
Keep writing, always!
~fortis
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
This is my lasting impression of your poem:
So...many....ellipses...
Seriously. I second Strange's sentiment that this dubious choice in punctuation actually took away from the poem. Try varying your punctuation a bit, or experiment with not using any at all! But the ellipses are pointless and distracting. They should go.
All...I...see...is...ellipses...
No, just kidding. Onto content now. *puts on ellipses-removing goggles*
I can relate to this poem. I often have thoughts like this too, and I can understand why you would write a poem about them. They can be quite troubling. I like how your stanzas mostly stayed on a single subject. For instance, the second stanza focused on religious imagery and the third stanza focused on stories (mostly). So I wouldn't say that lines are necessarily random or out of place, but some could definitely be worded better. For instance, one of the choppiest lines was:
This line is not pleasing to hear at all. A better, more natural wording would be:
This is how one would be more likely to say that.
Grammar-wise (
not counting punctuation), this was all right. One really grating instance was this:"Cuz?" Really? Way too informal for this type of poetry. "'Cause" would be fine, and "because" would be even better, but "cuz" makes me cringe a little. Also, "were" should be "we're".
This poem could generally use some grammatical proofreading. I'm not one to comb through every single little grammatical mistake because I feel that that's demeaning, but I'd recommend reviewing over this.
This poem does a good job getting across the random thoughts that sometimes cross your mind, but I feel that it could do a better job getting across the fear. I know what it feels like. It's the fear of not being certain of where you came from and the like, even though you're 99.9% sure you do know. The last line was the only line that really got that across to me.
Overall, this is a good start, but it could use some work. Keep on writing!
Hey, yo, AnonymousR! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!
Welcome to YWS, of course. If you do stay a member, you might be seeing me more often. Poetry is kind of my thing. I can tell you're new, and would like to say that there are some problems that are sticking this poem in the mud. The biggest three were punctuation, delivery, and overall theme. Let's jump in, shall we?
First of all, this is a common theme for poetry, believe it or not. You are pondering life and what life really means. See, we will never know what life means so the realism brings this down a bit. You talk about God being Satan, aliens created us, all that. You don't explain how though, you just said so. It feels like you're a conspiracy theorist ranting on about this silly conspiracies such as chem trails or Illuminati, with no actual evidence to defend it.
The punctuation weighed this down a bit too. Instead of question marks, you used '...'. Those are ellipses, and when you are speaking, you are supposed to pause. I can see how this fits in, but question marks are needed. Also to consider the fact that there are too much '....'s to the point when you read this out loud, it makes you sound like you have a stutter. It needs to flow.
You also go on these long rants about possibility, but the line choices don't flow. Some are big, some are small, and none of them really tie in. It makes it sound like the MC is a mad man ranting on about something ridiculous. It feels unbelievable. But, remember, every poem has potential. I know this does, so if you can fix up on these issues, that would be great.
Keep writing, and stay groovy!
Hi AnonymousR,
This is definitely an interesting poem. I have to admit I've thought about all of this before. Most of this is good formatting and makes a person think. At the ending I think is should go.
These are just things I think about alone... reasons why I have trouble believing... but hey, we never know.
Do we...
I think it would just make it a little more suspenseful and dramatic. Because this is supposed to be a dramatic poem you could focus on when the reader reads the section by adding more indentation, periods, or spaces. But what do I know, it's your poem. Overall this is a good poem. And as always keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles