Everyday at the same time,
I walk from the library to the bus stop.
The sun is shinning bright high above the city
and people walk back and forth to and fro
from their downtown jobs to lunch.
I place my bag upon the bench
and wait patiently for the bus to come.
In the distance nearby,
I see a beautiful woman
that a man could only imagine being with.
Her beautiful brown hair flutters in the wind,
as she curls a smile upon her face that makes my day.
The jogging pants that she always wear,
are clasped tightly around her lower body
leading me to repentance for my lust ways.
The t-shirt that she has on presses against her breast
leaving slight imprints of her unmentionables.
I'm howling like a raging wolf
and my temperature rises degree after degree.
I'm in my own little world but I remain silent
and try hard to suppress my thoughts of fornication.
I pause and think, man am I going to hell.
She walks across the street in one arm
holding a child and in the other the stroller.
So many times I have requested to help her
but she looks at me and smiles and says "I got it."
She possesses such a beauty and independence
that entrances and captivates my being.
I want to say something
but my words get choked up.
I fear rejection but at the same time
long for her passionate embrace.
What can I say to get her to notice me?
What can I do to spark her curiosity and interest?
Why am I so afraid?
I just stare at her while she
sits one bench over from me.
I imagine what are lives would be like together
and whether or not my drunk ass would make a good husband.
Oops! She's turning to face me,
so I quickly look away and pretend that
the piece of bird shit on the ground is a masterpiece.
I think she knows that I'm taking sneak peaks at her
but I can see and feel a fire burning in the iris of her eyes,
indicating that she wants me just as much as I want her.
The bliss and the nirvana I feel is like heaven.
I'm on a psychedelic trip on cloud nine.
Its an amazing feeling that I have never felt before.
I want her so much but what can I say though.
Somebody help me please!
Finally the bus comes to a screeching halt
and I'm fumbling with my bus fare looking like an idiot.
I walk along the isle,
feeling so flustered,
and almost stumble upon someones shoes.
I'm trying to hurry to a vacant seat
so I can save myself from further embarrassment.
I want to be close to the window so I can feel the sun.
She sits at the front of the bus smiling angelically,
I savor every minute of it and each dimple that is created.
This woman is like the sun to the moon,
the stars in the night sky,
the winter to spring,
the summer to fall,
and the day to night.
I can rest in the kindle of her flame
and the serenity of her heart.
I want her so much but what can I say?
What can I say?
I'm lost in thought,
I'm traveling in another part of the universe unknown.
The bus driver yells at the top of his voice,
"sir are you getting off at your usual stop."
I come back,
awaken from meditation,
everyone is staring at me,
awaiting my decision.
I slowly rise from my seat
and exit out the rear door.
I stare into the window
and watch as the girl from the bus slowly fades away.
I'm devastated.
Open a featured work or folder and click its Feature status to unfeature it and free up a slot.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, this was boring. I mean, really boring - not only in imagery but in the sentence variety and execution as well.
The lack of proper punctuation should be addressed before all else.
The sun is shining bight, high above the city
and people walk back and forth, to and fro
That has to be the most obvious redundancy I've ever seen, ha. Made me laugh, so kudos on that, unintentional though it was. Pick one - she's either close or far away.
Do you mean breast? Because, you said it in the first line -- why is it so unmentionable in the second? Unless you're referring to her nipples. Argh, the semantics of it all. I mean, really, the entire tone of this piece is overly stuffy and dramatic. Is it from a priest's perspective?
This what I mean about the boring imagery. Aside from the whole, unbelievably standard description up to this point - the lack of poetic imagery in itself is an achievement, and if it was intentional well then I take my hat off to you sir! And by take off, I mean throw at you because I am beyond not-being drawn into this piece. I am being repulsed by its lack of imagination.
The standard, cliche cartoon imagery of the raging wolf annoyed me. The actual notion beneath that, the concept of the animal or "beast"" within, is itself far more worthy of exploration rather than this surface-skimming. I suggest investigating that - hopefully it will enliven this piece.
'our' not 'are' - the nature of the man changes dramatically here. He goes from a pious, priestly (Nay! Saintly! -- because most priests are filthier than the rest of us) fellow who is struggling to repress his thoughts of 'fornication'and repent his lustful ways -- anyone who thinks like this, in the privacy of their own mind, really needs help but anyway -- to being a drunken bastard that wouldn't make a good father. The two extreme personalities, sir, do not match - they, in fact, clash most horribly and in a fashion I am certain was unintended.
Here, as well, the tone of the piece changes to a childish "Uh Oh! Spaghettios!" kind of immaturity. So we go from saint to drunk bum to little girl all within four lines! If only this descent of identity was intentional, if only the writing grasped the far more complex and interesting concepts and feelings, utilising them in creative and imaginative ways...alas, this is not the case. There is potential within the nature of the changes I pointed out - you should, since I'm fairly sure it was unintentional, explore this further and allow the character a more gradual and intentional metamorphosis.
Yet another tone-jarring sentence! Let's see, last I checked, you began that sentence as a little girl, "Oops!" -ing away. From that to bird shit in two lines ain't good, bud.
I literally shuddered when I read that. You should cut it immediately. Come up with something original.
Hm. This was confusing. To kindle is to start something, usually used in the context of fire so what you're saying is that you can rest in the sparks of her fire...that is yet to start? Even if it had, in fact started, I imagine resting in flames to be an uncomfortable experience -- didn't he say he wanted to avoid Hell? Maybe he wouldn't mind the experience after all.
awoken
I'm running out of time on this public computer -- just waiting for a friend to rock up at the mall -- so I will conclude with: this did less than nothing for me. EDIT: I was able to come back and add some stuff, ha. I'm sure you appreciate that.
Cheers
Hi, Xavier! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today. (:
So, to begin with, I thought this was amazing. It perfectly describes those pointless crushes on the people you know you'll never have. The content is wonderful, but I do have a bit of grammar/spelling nitpicking to do. :/
That should be shining.
That should be wears.
I think that should be lustful...
Maybe rewrite as "I want her so much, but what can I say?" Adding the "though" is redundant.
That should be aisle.
The "sir" should be capitalized, and you need a question mark at the end.
Sorry to nitpick so much! ^^ If you have any questions about the review or anything else, feel free to PM me. Great work!
~Dark Angel