The Curse of Mortality
Some day we’ll all take out last breath,
And allow life to succumb to death.
Someday we’ll all say goodbye,
For everyone at some point must die.
All life is doomed to fade,
All goodbyes must be bade.
Nothing lasts forever,
Some things will last for never.
Some flowers never bloom,
Some things never feel life before their doom.
Tears are always meant to be shed,
Whether for the living or for the dead.
Death doesn’t hurt the ones who die,
It hurts the ones who must say goodbye.
Though to those who feel sorrow,
Fear not for there is always tomorrow.
Another chance for one to die,
Another chance for a painful goodbye.
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I'd have to agree with Brad...heh...
The rhyming scheme was decent...did seem disconjointed or anything. But seriously,like I and so many others have said one million times, you shouldn't make serious poems rhyme...I mean, it takes away from it. And try to use imagery...this poem just stayed on one flat surface. It didn't go up or down...kind of monotnous.
Very nice poem, really, more then just nice.
It has something magical to it.
I really like it.
(And I'm jealous because I can't write that kind of great poems).
a lot of people already said everything else.
except that the repetition was enjoyable. not THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER READ, but enjoyable.
I agree that the theme of the poem was overdone and rather...hokey, almost, in some places. It was a little rough, but the rhyme scheme was good and it seemed to flow all right most of the time. You could work on unifying the rythm a little more. Overall, though, it was a fairly good poem, full of emotion, which is part of what makes poetry good in the first place.
I dunno... the rhyming seems forced and the rhythm seems off. It's a good effort, mind you, but there are some lines that just seem horribly forced. Especially here:
Let's look at your rhythm structure. For instance, how many syllables are in each line? Look at this very carefully...
It doesn't seem to organized, does it? If you are going to write poetry that is rhymed, then you must have a good flow and part of a good flow is making it metered. This might seem silly at first, but it forces you to cut parts of your poem and then create parts. The end result is usually much better.
The biggest thing that hurt your poem was your use of needless words. For instance, observe:
6 - Some flowers never bloom,
11 - Some things never feel life before their doom.
7 - Some flowers will never bloom
9 - Some things never live before their doom.
Also, sometimes your word choice is lacking. Hint: avoid the word "things" in poetry. Be specific. What were you talking about before? Flowers? Awesome. Now relate it to flowers.
7 - Some flowers will never bloom
9 - Some seeds never live before their doom.
Play with it. This reminds me of one of my first poems before it was edited. It lacked metering and wasn't too good, but it had a startling message. Someone helped me with it and now the poem is considered "legendary" to a few since they like it so much. Play with it and you'll have a great piece of art.
*smiles* If you were going to irony, it most certainly worked!
Another good job to you...
I personally thought this was very good. I do agree you could add some more original thoughts, but that didn't take away from the poem. The rhyming was beautiful, flowing very smoothly and I liked your word choice.
The only part that was a little strange was the:
This was strange because you said "Fear not for there is always tomorrow" and then said tomorrow would bring more pain and sorrow. At least, that's how I saw it. Isn't the sorrow what the person fears? If so, then fear not does not fit. I may have missed something, but that's what I thought was weird.
Um...Deloclya? You do know that Incandesence was being, erm, sarcastic, right? Because frankly, this is one of the most over-done, cliche, hackneyed themes I've ever seen! We're all going to die, and everyone's going to be sad...whoop-dee-f'ing-doo! Please! You didn't even put a new spin on the idea! You used old rhymes, personally didn't see a LICK of emotion, Several of the rhymes to me seemed to be forced
, and overall seemed to be a copy-paste from several of those 'it's ok to be sad when people die' speeches parents give little five year olds who are flushing goldy the goldfish to the great sewers of fishy god! Sorry, but p-eww. Do not pass go, and do NOT collect $200. Try again.Rhyming couplets poem about death. How very, very original.
kinda redundant and a rather depressing ending that i didn't really like and didn't really seem to fit with the poem.
I LOVE THIS POEM!!!
I know it's sort of depressing because the obvious subject of death but I still think this is an awesome poem.
Very, very, very nice job.
[quote="Deloclya"]The Curse of Mortality
Death doesn’t hurt the ones who die,
It hurts the ones who must say goodbye.
quote]
That part is really cool! I really like your poem and how it rhymes ( and the rhymes actually make sense).