Hey there. Welcome!
So sorry to read about what happened. Although I sympathise with your loss, I agree with the other reviewers: get rid of the emotion. It's too cliched (sic). What this poem desperately needs is a good dose of IMAGERY. Explore with images. That way, you'll SHOW us your feelings, not simply spoonfeed us them (in other words, telling).
E.g. Instead of:
"Thinking about the memory that's left of you"
Try:
"All I see now is the shadow of your past,
Grains of sand lost amid the desert of time."
See how being much more subtle in fact amplifies the emotion?
I know this is a common problem with novices but eventually with time and practice, you'll find your voice! Keep writing!
Gahks
Points: 1564
Reviews: 181
Donate