thinking about the memory thats left of you,
thinking about the happy things we used to do,
before you and your friends got bored,
and you decided to start drinking.
but it came back to bite you,
even when you stopped,
someone not quite as far along the road to recovery,
drove right into you.
now i cant stop thinking about how much i miss you,
but also about the horrible person you used to be,
to take the same chance they took,
even though you never took anyones life yourself,
you could have,
and i would have never forgiven you for the pain you caused,
and i never will forgive you for the pain you caused me by not spreading the word not to drink and drive.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there. Welcome!
So sorry to read about what happened. Although I sympathise with your loss, I agree with the other reviewers: get rid of the emotion. It's too cliched (sic). What this poem desperately needs is a good dose of IMAGERY. Explore with images. That way, you'll SHOW us your feelings, not simply spoonfeed us them (in other words, telling).
E.g. Instead of:
"Thinking about the memory that's left of you"
Try:
"All I see now is the shadow of your past,
Grains of sand lost amid the desert of time."
See how being much more subtle in fact amplifies the emotion?
I know this is a common problem with novices but eventually with time and practice, you'll find your voice! Keep writing!
Gahks
Hey Alexis. Welcome to YWS. I hope to see you stick around. Aswell as being a great place to share our poetry, it's all a great place to learn how to improve. How esle would we get any better, right? This piece does seem to be for yourself. Often, I feel- that it's good to start a poem with the emotion you felt when this happened to you, but deviate from the actual incident so that whereas you still have that core feeling, the poem isn't completely about that event. I don't know who said it, could have been Oscar Wilde- 'Give a man a mask, and he will tell the truth'. I think he was right. Use the emotions of your life and channel them into your poetry. Just be careful your poetry doesn't completely depend on them. Because there must be some structure, punctuation, captilization to your thoughts.
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear
Hello, I think this is very interesting. I'm so sorry to hear that has happened to you. I know what if feels like. The idea was brilliant and I loved it. I'm sorry I can't be much help, but this is very good.
best of luck
-Max
I am so sorry that happened to you! My school just did an activity about drunk driving, and my mom had just talked about it the night before. I also agree with some of the critiques that other people had wrote, except for one:
Not everthing has to be for the reader. You can write for yourself and put it out in public. It's perfectly fine, and I completely encourage it. Stay strong, and learn from other people's mistakes. Now I have a little quote for you:
"Time is not what you think. Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning."
-Mitch Albom
Remember, it's always OK to cry. just PM me if you feel like talking.
Hey! Welcome to YWS.
This was a sad thing to write about, but I don't know... It just seems more personal. Which don't get me wrong, I like personal pomes, but this is a terrible accident.
Maybe add some metaphors. Make it sound more emotional.
Keep writing and once again welcome!
~Rachael
Hi there!
First I'll say welcome to YWS and that if you have any questions feel free to ask me!
Yes, I am going to be harsh. Forgive me now, you may hate me. First, remove the emoticon. Second, use proper capitalization of the pronoun I and of the first letters of your sentences.
The next suggestion: keep this to your journal. A lot of people think that poetry equals ultimate emotional expression. And, it does. Poetry is an amazing way to express your emotions and help yourself through difficult events, no doubt. But, there is a big difference between the poetry you share with readers, and the poetry you use to heal. This, here, should be kept to yourself. Why? Because you're not writing it for the reader, you're writing it for yourself. Believe it or not, poetry should be for the reader, not for the writer. Everything you write should be written because it helps give the reader a better idea, a better image, a bigger thought. Read some poetry, and you may be able to better understand what I'm saying. If you don't want to go out and by collection of poetry, some of the best poets on here include but certainly isn't limited to: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Melja, Cade, Caligulas_Launderette.
Some good poets who are actually published: Dickinson, T.S. Elliot, Longfellow, Plath, and many others, although I can't remember many right now.
I hope this helped! I'm sorry to be so harsh, but honest is the best policy, yes? If you have any questions about this critique, or the site, just pm me!
Yikes!
Sorry to hear that. I haven't gone through anything like this before, but I can sympathize. That must suck.
It's a good thing you let your emotions out, but now it's time for me to review.
1. Your intro wasn't strong. It's been done, and not very attention grabbing- so to speak. Also, it seems you have some sort if rhyme scheme at the beginning; don't know of it was intended or not, but it was dropped throughout the rest of the poem, so I feel it is free verse. This is my opinion, but change (or rearrange) the first two lines.
2. Remember apostrophes, and capitalizing the 'I'.
The thing I liked best was the emotion. Great job on that. I really feel like giving you hug right now.
All you need to do is polish it up a bit, and this can be amazing. It already is very good.
~LIF
P.S WELCOME!