It happened again
I dreamt of you
Of us in the grass
Me holding your hand
You holding mine
The zephyr wind blowing on us
The trees singing
I can still feel the warmth of your lips
The world is silent
But I wake up
Your not there
We are asunder
My heart starts to burn
It yearns for us to be together
For it is sad and cries the inferno
The inner fire then consumes me
It comes from the laments
Without you I am a blaze
A fire that can not be tamed
I burn into ashes
With my soul being forever in the air.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello!
The first thing I noticed when reading was that this has no punctuation! Some poems can get away without, but more often than not punctuating your poem is a lot better than not doing it. It helped your reader to know how to follow the lines, and it makes it easier to read.
I think the metaphor about love being a fire, though a little cliche, is real unique here. It's interesting too because usually a fire is bad, it destroys, and yet here it's a good thing! I certainly think you need to write a lot more about that than anything else. Hold onto it tightly and use it to your advantage.
Another thing you might want to focus on is being more vivid with your descriptions. If you say "the trees sing" can you explain more? How, and why? Can you make me hear the trees? Bring your details to life, and it will bring you poem to life.
Best of luck!
Hello Raider and welcome to the site. I agree with Princess' critique, so I'll try not to repeat anything she said! Except about the 2:1 rule. Gotta spread the love, you know?
Okay, so she gave you a good review, I just wanted to point out a couple of things that stuck out at me, seemed odd, etc.
This is repetitive, so I suggest removing the second line.
Should be You're instead of your, since your is possessive and you're is a contraction of 'you are'.
Hmm...I have a couple of problems with this line. First, 'For it is sad' is a little obvious and annoying, and second, I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'cries the inferno.' So some rewording/reordering is needed there.
And, finally, I agree with Princess on your last line. Try reading the poem out loud once or twice and I think you'll see what we mean.
You have a great idea here, just needs a little polishing. PM me if you have any questions.
Hey Raider! Welcome to YWS. I must remind you that for every poem/story that you submit, you have to do at least two reviews. Its only fair
Now this poem is very vague. You are talking about just wanting to be with her, right? I know that you are talking about a girl you love, but somebody might mistake it for you wanting to be with your diseased mother, or grandmother. Do not make your readers assume that is a girl you loved. You have to make them sure of what the poem is about.
It is good that you are giving your readers some of his senses, like hearing and feeling, but lets go more in depth with that. Describe how you miss her perfume, or the taste of her lip gloss, or something like that. It would give more emotion to it.
Your vocabulary is rather odd in this poem. You start out using very simple words, but then, every now and then, you throw in a more sophisticated word. I suggest that you stick with one or the other, simple being preferred. You want to say the times with her were heartfelt and simple. So stick with the simple vocabulary, it would give the poem a better feel to it.
The last line did not seem like a very good ending to this sort of poem. Instead of 'My Soul forever being in the air' how about 'My soul forever lost'? it would give it a better feeling and it uses less syllables, so it would make for an appropriate ending.
If you have any questions, or if you would like to discuss this poem more, pm me.
-Prin