Greensleeves was all my joy,
No flower did bloom but for thee;
I stole their beauty mine to be,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
No star did shine but on thee;
I wore their light that thou mayst see,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
No bird did sing but to thee;
Sweet voice oh so melancholy,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
None did I do but for thee;
Triumphed mountains conquered seas,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
None did I think but of thee;
Addiction far past remedy,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
This song I wrote for none but thee;
I wish now never free to be,
If only thou wouldst but love me.
Disclaimer: The lines "Greensleeves was all my joy" and "And yet thou wouldst not love me" come from a version of the English folksong "Ladie Greensleeves" http://ingeb.org/songs/alasmylo.html written by an an anonymous Renaissance poet. However the two pieces are not related in any other way.
Open a featured work or folder and click its Feature status to unfeature it and free up a slot.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi there,
Like Paper Moon, I enjoyed the old-fashioned style here, but I also found the repetition a little too much. I've always found when repeating certain lines in poetry, it's better to err on the side of too little rather than too much, and if I were you I'd think about trimming a couple of verses. The third and fifth stanzas, for example, add little to the poem, and I think might be cut without loss.
On the whole, though I liked the style and imagery used, I felt the whole poem was a little lacking. Perhaps it was a little stifled by the repeated lines, but it felt that there really wasn't anything new or unique about the perspective offered here. It's great as an exercise, but you need to stretch more and perhaps explore your own voice rather than borrow from others, particularly in a subject so well-canvassed as (unrequited) love.
If you have any questions or need any help with anything, feel free to PM me or another mod, we'll be happy to help you out
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hm...well kudos on the Old English style. I also wrote a poem in such a style, Bloom of the Rose, you should check it out. I'm curious as to your thoughts of it.
Anyway, onto the review portion. I understand the repetition of the first and last sentences in each stanza is stylistic and that it puts more emphasis on the ending, but it became a little much for me after five stanzas. Perhaps sectioning off a couplet with the "Greensleeves was all my joy..." would be better. It would still have emphasis without being repetitious.
I liked the concluding stanza. A nice lasting thought and the straying from earlier patterns made it that much better. I apologize if I sound critical, I did actually enjoy it and I think it has potential.
PaperMoon