Published May 23, 2008
I walked outside to the school’s perfectly cut lawn as I had done every day. When I saw the crowd, I presumed it was nothing special, just another after-school fight. A pointless idea to me, but huge to them. Unfortunately, the crowd was blocking my way to get home. With a grunt, I walked to the crowd, whose huddled bodies stood in a circle, mystified with whatever was going on. I shrugged as I neared them, curiosity suddenly getting the best of me.
“Fight! Fight! Fight!” I heard them chant in unison. I paid no attention to their screams as I neared the center of the circle, feeling the curiosity that had been aroused in me stronger this time.
Nick, the school’s all star quarterback and bully, was shoving his fist into someone’s face. I cringed, almost swearing that I heard a sickening crack. The victim lay on the grass, screaming in pain. Nick, on the other hand, didn’t have a scratch on him and smugly smiled. The victim suddenly lurched off the ground and swung his fist at Nick, who was caught off guard. He suddenly recovered from the blow and attacked the victim.
I grimaced at the scene. After-school fights weren’t exactly what you’d call my favorite thing to watch. I tried to turn away, until I caught a glimpse of the mysterious victim.
The victim, who just happened to be my best friend, Danny.
Why was he here? What happened?
At that moment, seeing Nick punch harder and harder, I wished I were a super hero, or someone, anyone strong and brave enough to take Nick on. But I was a wimp, and definitely not brave enough to stand up to Nick.
My heart sank at the bitter reality as I watched my best friend get beat up.
A voice shot through the crowd, yelling, “Teacher! Teacher!”
Suddenly, the crowd dispersed, even Nick, who spat on Danny and left him cowering on the ground, not wanting to risk getting caught by the approaching teacher.
Danny and I were the only ones left, an uncomfortable silence settling between us.
I looked at him, but REALLY looked at him. His face was nearly unrecognizable, due to the blood splattered over it. His hair was disheveled and several strands of grass peaked out of it. Several areas of his clothes were ripped, and whatever piece of bare skin that managed to peak out was covered in bloody cuts and bruises.
I picked up his books that were strewn across the floor and helped him to his feet. He staggered, but grabbed on to me for support, slowly limping over to the sidewalk where we found an empty bench and sat down.
I was furious with myself. Why couldn’t I jump in and save him? Why did I have to be such a coward? In shame, I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“I’m sorry about not defending you,” my voice was a mere whisper. Why was I so weak? Why didn’t I face Nick? But I knew why. I was too afraid. I was afraid of Nick, whose beefy fist could smash my face in my skull with one punch, or just enough to make me look like Danny.
I sighed, feeling the ton of guilt fall onto my shoulders.
“It’s okay. I’ll show ‘em next time.” Danny’s voiced croaked. I knew he was trying to sound brave, and maybe even lighten up the moment, but as he spoke, he cautiously looked around to see if anyone from Nick’s crew was around to hear.
I urged myself to smile, but failed miserably.
Maybe I could tell someone what happened, but who? Adults? No, I decided. My parents, as well as Danny’s, were oblivious to what happened in our lives, and a fight, would go unnoticed under their radar. Well, what about a teacher? No, that would make everything worse, especially if Nick decides to come back for revenge. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t.
I finally gathered the strength to look at Danny, and we simultaneously nodded. He also thought about this, and we took a silent oath to keep it quiet.
“Nothing happened,” Danny said, offering me a halfhearted smile. He leaned back and groaned. The pain hadn’t quite left him, and I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Yes, I was a bystander to my friend’s fate, but I was there in those moments when he needed me most.
Like the one right now.
Open a featured work or folder and click its Feature status to unfeature it and free up a slot.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was a surprisingly deep little story that you've got right here. It definitely has a lot of emotions running through. I somehow didn't quite the fact that they were best friends all that clear in this because I feel like best friends would sacrifice a lot more for each other than this but that might of course just be me.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is certainly a very interesting way to start things off. It does a pretty decent job of getting one's attention. That much is for sure and you do actually do a pretty good job conveying the thought process of someone in that situation as well.
And the curiosity, definitely also a very realistic thing. I like how you slowly build up the tension here.
Unfortunate but true thing that tends to occasionally happen in life. You've captured a pretty realistic fight here so far. It seems like something that could actually happen, the children seem to be throwing punches like children.
That is definitely a very good question because especially after school you would expect that best friends be usually found together and would certainly know of each other's whereabouts.
And shouting teacher immediately did not somehow alert the teacher that something was wrong. Also him just standing and watching makes me think that he is maybe not that good of a friend after all.
The description seems a little extreme for a brawl where I just saw fists being the weapon use so maybe town that level of injury just a little because that is a little too much at the moment.
And somehow immediately reporting this to a teacher was not an option? I feel like if he genuinely that terrified but still looking out for his friend he would run to find a teacher or at least reported this to whatever teacher showed up at that point. I get that you deal with this issue there but him being that cowardly does seem like he doesn't care for his friend all that much. In proper friendships usually logic like that gets thrown right out of the window when your friend is in danger.
Well that feels like a pretty sad conclusion for these two to come to. I am just not quite seeing that special spark that you expect from two best friends. I like the pretty sentimental little message that you've got at the end there but it just rings a hollow to me somehow. But that's just my opinion on things.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty nice story. It did have some slightly unrealistic injuries at least judging from my personal experiences and even after the third read I am still not too convinced about their friendship (I acknowledge that the ending part did show a really nice sentiment appropriate for friendship but it just doesn't seem like enough). And so that's about it for what I have to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
you did not let me edit. WHY DID YOU NOT LET ME EDIT!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!
hmf. i think you should pay attention to maurice ogdens advice. HEED IT! HEEEEEEEEED IIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TheHangman by Maurice Ogden
Eh, it didn't do it for me. There was nothing that really stood out- it just wasn't compelling in the way it needs to be. You need to really elaborate on the differences between this fight and all the other after-school fights.
It was too editorialized as well. I'd rather you did a better job of "showing" the point you're trying to make, but instead, you broadcast it from the first line. That's why the story suffers, it's meant as a fable, your mind is on the moral. Well, I don't care anything about the characters, or the plot, and ipso facto, I don't care for the moral.
Read The Hangman I've always though it's the final authority on this subject, it's difficult to put it more articulately.
[spoiler]
I walked outside to the school’s [s]perfectly cut lawn[/s] as I [s]had done every day[/s] always did. When I saw the crowd, I presumed it was nothing special, just another after-school fight. Elaborate...A pointless idea to me, but huge to them Explain who "them" is. It'll go a long way towards clarifying your moral.. Unfortunately, the crowd was blocking my way to get home. Really? I mean how big is this lawn anyway?With a grunt, I walked to the [s]crowd, whose huddled bodies stood in a circle[/s] mass of huddled bodies, mystified [s]with[/s] at whatever was going on. I shrugged as I neared them, curiosity suddenly getting the best of me.
“Fight! Fight! Fight!” I heard them chant in unison. I paid no attention to their screams as I [s]neared[/s] elbowed my way to the center of the circle, feeling the curiosity that had been aroused in me stronger this time.
Nick, the school’s all star quarterback and bully WOOP! WOOP! Stereotype alert! Stereotype alert! WOOP! WOOP!, was shoving his fist into someone’s face. I cringed, almost swearing that I heard a sickening crack. The victim lay on the grass, screaming in pain. Nick, on the other hand, didn’t have a scratch on him and smugly smiled. Thenthe victim suddenly lurched off the ground and swung his fist at Nick, who was caught off guard. But the brave attempt was futile, Nick quickly[s]He suddenly[/s] recovered from the blow and attacked the victim.
I grimaced at the scene. After-school fights weren’t exactly what you’d call my favorite thing to watch. I tried to turn away, [s]until[/s] but I caught a glimpse of the mysterious victim and spun back around.
[s]The victim, who just happened to be my best friend, Danny. [/s] It was Danny, my best friend since pre-school.
Why was he here? What happened?
At that moment, seeing Nick punch harder and harder, I wished I were a super hero, or someone, anyone strong and brave enough to take Nick on. But I was a wimp, and definitely not brave enough to stand up to Nick. Elaborate! Elaborate! This is the most compelling angle here!
My heart sank at the bitter reality as I watched my best friend get beat up.
A voice shot through the crowd, yelling, “Teacher! Teacher!”
Suddenly, the crowd dispersed, even Nick, who spat on Danny and left him cowering on the ground, [s]not wanting[/s] Didn't want to risk getting caught by the approaching teacher.
Danny and I were the only ones left, an uncomfortable silence settling between us.
Did you just completely forget about the teacher?
I looked at him, but [s]REALLY[/s] CAPS LOCK is a no-no. looked at him. His face was nearly unrecognizable, due to the blood splattered over it. His hair was disheveled and several strands of grass peaked out of it. Several areas of his clothes were ripped, and whatever piece of bare skin that managed to peak out was covered in bloody cuts and bruises.
I picked up his books that were strewn across the floor and helped him to his feet. He staggered, but grabbed on to me for support, slowly limping over to the sidewalk where we found an empty bench and sat down.
I was furious with myself. Why couldn’t I jump in and save him? Why did I have to be such a coward? In shame, I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“I’m sorry about not defending you,” my voice was a mere whisper. Why was I so weak? Why didn’t I face Nick? But I knew why. I was too afraid. I was afraid of Nick, whose beefy fist could smash my face in my skull with one punch, or just enough to make me look like Danny.
I sighed, feeling the ton of guilt fall onto my shoulders.
“It’s okay. I’ll show ‘em next time.” Danny’s voiced croaked. I knew he was trying to sound brave, and maybe even lighten up the moment, but as he spoke, he cautiously looked around to see if anyone from Nick’s crew was around to hear.
I urged myself to smile, but failed miserably.
Maybe I could tell someone what happened, but who? Adults? How about the mysterious teacher who just fell through a plot hole?No, I decided. My parents, as well as Danny’s, were oblivious to what happened in our lives, Pardon me, but they'd notice that Danny got the living daylights beat out of him.and a fight, would go unnoticed under their radar. Well, what about a teacher? No, that would make everything worse, especially if Nick decides to come back for revenge. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t.
I finally gathered the strength to look at Danny, and we simultaneously nodded. He also thought about this, and we took a silent oath to keep it quiet.
“Nothing happened,” Danny said, offering me a halfhearted smile. He leaned back and groaned. The pain hadn’t quite left him, and I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Yes, I was a bystander to my friend’s fate, but I was there in those moments when he needed me most. This ending seems like foolish and self-serving justification of non-action and cowardice. I respectfully disagree.
Like the one right now.[/spoiler]