You left so long ago- five years if I remember right,
and now you come back and try to find your place.
You see me standing there, my back against the wall,
fighting with the demons of my past, of your memory.
You stand there in a daze, wondering why,
why, I won't say anything to you, why I won't look at you.
You want to know the truth, I can't look at you with out hurting,
without crying out in pain caused by my broken heart.
When you left so long ago, you never even called,
you never even looked back to wave.
You broke my heart, you shattered it completely,
and now your back and think you can mend it.
I fall against the wall, head in my hands,
and you think you it's safe to come near.
But soon all your memories of me coming flooding back,
all the times we shared, then you know my pain and back away.
But that's not what I wanted, or what I needed,
I needed you to be there, to contact me somehow.
You didn't, you forgot completely,
wondering why you have that necklace with a girls name on it.
I look at the silver bracelet in my hands,
and tears roll down my face, your's is the face that haunts my dreams.
Your memory plagues me, drowns out all other hope I might have had,
All hope of moving on, when it's clear to me that you have.
So don't just stand there acting like a dolt,
get a move on before I leave you without a word.
But your too late, I'm gone,
I've moved on, I just remember all those times painfully.
My tear stained cheeks and pillow are proof of that,
and so is my broken heart, the one thing you can't see.
So, leave me now before I hurt you,
like you hurt me, five years ago
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
I loved this!
I can't believe some of the other critics;
Can't they tell that you poured out your heart in this poem?
Sure, it wasn't too flowing or rhythmic...
But it was real, it was passionate, and it was vivid.
Isn't that what the point of poems are?
To get your reader to feel what you're feeling?
Well, I like it.
wow,,
this was,,,, beautiful in my opinion.
It i had to pick one word to describe id pick either beautiful or touching..
it amazed me..
PM me sometime...
id like to discuss with u
This whole poem seems completely addressed to a single person; something written specifically for them that only they will "get". Reading, I feel like I've intruded on something private, but that doesn't make much sense to me. There's nothing for me to relate to, so I have trouble finishing.
The idea of trying to rejoin something after a period of absence in the beginning of the poem "and now you come back and try to find your place" is definitely something to keep because it's something anyone can understand. However, the rest of the poem is specific to the relationship between the two people, and only serves as a narration of the relationship, rather than an expansion of the ideas from the first stanza, and that is where it becomes all to easy to lose interest.
You lose the structure not to mention my intrest my forth stanza just goes on. Not to mention it's like whining. You just tell us continuelly. This is an angst, navelgazing poor me poem. We are given no other emotion except angry confusion. You give us no reason to feel sorry for ya. And not to mention. You have large scale grammar problems. Overall: If you're gonna do a break-up poem try and show us the emotion not tell. Plus Jorin right about the years. They change.
Good luck
VSN
In the top line you say the guy left 'five years ago' but the bottom says 'three.'
I was into it at the beginning, but when the grammar started to get messy I just lost the connection it has the potential of a good poem though.... no it is a good poem some sort. But I think you had the right idea.