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Young Writers Society



Forever Without Love: Chapter One (Edited)

by Anonamuse


For everyone who helped me get this started.

Alice, RoryLegend, LilyReagan, Fandilocks…

If I’ve forgotten anyone please let me know

Owen walked down the darkened alleyways of New York with a feeling of dread. Typical paranoia, he thought, but the hissing of a cat burst him into a near run. Before long though, he was safely inside the bar, which he knew to be a blind pig. He didn’t have much money on his person at the moment, but that didn’t really matter. He looked around before sinking down into a wooden chair to gather himself. He took a few deep breaths and rested his head in his hands. It had been a long day, followed by an even longer night.

That morning when he first woke up he discovered that his alarm clock hadn’t gone off. Then while he was in the shower he some how managed to slip on the bathroom floor and crack his head on the sink. At work he had burnt his hand on a hot plate, and nearly yelled at one of the other waiters. And now with his feeling of paranoia it was a complete day.

He looked up and sighed, just great, he thought looking out a window, it had started to rain. He got up and walked towards the bar, planning on getting himself a strong drink to get his mind off the horrible feeling of dread. He sat down with a heavy sigh and looked around at the others in the bar. It was your normal crowd of late night drinkers and partiers. Then he saw her. She looked out of place, her chestnut red hair, her pale skin, but somehow at the same time she looked like she was at home in the smoke and peanut shells. She looked back with golden eyes, but only for a second before she turned back to look at the television hanging from the wall.

Owen turned back to the bartender and ordered his drink while his mind was trying to place the strange and pretty woman sitting across the hall. Laying some money on the bar he turned around drink in hand to watch the woman. She didn’t seem to notice his staring or maybe she did but she didn’t care, either way she just continued to watch the sports. As the night slowly turned towards daybreak the bar began to empty, soon there where only a handful of people sitting around drinking. Owen pushed his empty mug back on the bar and stood up, stifling a yawn. He turned to walk out of the bar, he turned to look back one last time. The woman looked back with a smile, and gave him a small wave as he walked out into the street.

As he walked down the sidewalk he failed to notice that a fairly large group of men who started to follow after him. He turned down an alleyway, which he knew to be a shortcut, speeding up slightly, not wanting to be out on the streets much longer. He looked over his shoulder as he turned the corner, catching the eye of one of the men, whose grin disturbed him greatly. The man seemed to be plotting something, like he would like nothing more than to jump Owen. He rushed into his apartment building and up the dirty stairwell to his apartment, locking the door swiftly behind him. He sat down on his beige colored sofa with a sigh, he kicked off his tennis shoes and peeled off his socks. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and flicked on the television. He flicked through the channels aimlessly, finding nothing worth watching, except for some infomercials. He turned it off and made his way down the dimly lit hall to his bedroom. He pulled off his t-shirt and threw it on the floor with the rest of his dirty clothes. He crawled into his queen bed not bothering to move the jersey comforter, he closed his dark blue eyes and fell asleep quickly.

The next morning he woke up to the song “Girlfriend“. He sat up with a moan and groped around for his phone, it wasn’t on his bedside table like he had though, so he began to search the rest of his room throwing dirty shirts and boxers everywhere making his already messy room, messier. He sighed and stuffed his hands into his pants pockets in defeat. He slowly withdrew one of his hands to find his cell phone, he looked at the number before flipping open his phone to answer the call.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“I need to you come into work today, Owen,” said a very feminine voice.

“Alright, when?”

“Now if you don’t mind.”

“Gotcha, be there soon.”

He closed his phone and began to change, he pulled on his black dress pants then went to his closet, pulling out a white button down shirt. Owen walked into his back to study the damage of last nights drink. His green eyes were blood shot, his dirty blond hair sticking up in the back. He sighed and combed it down with a little gel he kept hidden. Once he was statistician with himself, he walked out of his room, buttoning his shirt and while making sure to grab his jacket from the bathroom door on his way out. He locked his door and walked down the many steps to the street. He hailed a taxi and rode the few blocks to the restaurant. As he walked in the service entrance on the side of the brick building he was the strange, but pretty woman. He hung his jacket in the small employee’s lounge and clocked himself in before heading straight into the stainless steal kitchen.

“Hey, Wolfe, come over here!”

“Just the person I was looking for. What’s up, Sara?”

“I bet, now get your butt in here,” she said walking into the office, Owen following behind her. She sat down behind the desk with a sigh and motioned for him sit down as well. He sat.

“I need to you to start pulling double shifts for a while. We just lost another waiter due to all the gang wars in the area. I hope you’ll be okay with that, I know you live in the area so it wouldn’t be hard for you to get here,” she looked at him hopefully.

“God, Sara, I hope you plan on paying me overtime for this.” He rolled his eyes and looked at her with a smile. “For how long?”

“We’ve got no idea, the police aren’t doing anything about it. We’re getting a lot of people lately. So until we can get someone else in here, you’re it.” She sounded distressed. It wasn’t easy running one of the most popular restaurants in the city, nor was it easy to ask one of the most asked for waiters to pull double duty for God only knows how long.

Owen placed his hand on hers gently, “I understand, Sara. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work to do. You can just leave my new schedule in my jacket pocket, alright?”

Sara smiled and nodded thankfully. Owen walked out of the office with a small smile on his face, he needed the extra income, things where beginning to get a little tight. As he walked through the kitchen, he noticed that a lot the kitchen staff was being silent, which was odd for them. He thought about asking them what was going on, but the moment he stepped out into the main room he knew. He stopped dead in his tracks, only one table was empty, the rest where surrounded by Italians. He swallowed and made his way towards his first table.

As he made his rounds, he noticed that one of the other waiters was watching him from the kitchen window. He mouthed Get you sorry ass out here, before going to the last table. He made his way back to the kitchen, his expression going from happy waiter, to pissed off. He glared at the other waiters sitting in the back as he handed the orders to the head chef. He walked to the back room and leaned against the door frame.

“I know I’m head waiter, but that doesn’t mean you guys can sit on your asses while we have guest out front. Each of you is going to take a table or so help me I’ll have you all busing tables for the rest of your lives.”

They looked at him in shock, they had never seen him angry before, sure he would get pissed off every once in a while. But he would never threaten them, and as far as they where concerned, he didn’t have a reason to at the moment. Finally one of them spoke up.

“Owen, we tried to wait on them but they just ignored us, what could we do?”

“Stand there until one of them sees you. Now get off your asses and get ready to take out their orders,” he growled. As they filed out of the room, Sara came in with a small smile.

“You shouldn’t be such a hard ass, Owen, they like you, don’t make them hate you.”

He turned around and looked at her, he took a deep breath and sighed. “What was I supposed to do, let them off the hook because they’re afraid of the guests? I don’t think so.”

Sara sighed and handed him a piece of paper. “You’re new schedule, don’t lose it.” She turned and walked back out of the room, Owen following after her and went straight into the kitchen. The rest of the night he spent placing pasta, bread sticks, and bottles of wine on the tables.

At the end of his shift he walked into the back room and sat down in one of the plush chairs and put his feet up on the table. He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the others in the building as they busied themselves with closing down. He was thankful the day was over, but he hated the way it had ended. He had to break up a fight between the Italians, and a small group of blacks that decided they wanted not only the last empty table, but every other table as well. Needless to say it had ended up in a fist fight, to which the police had been invited. Owen now sported a bloody lip, but that was the price to pay for not having your restaurant shot all to hell. Then again, since they where in gang territory it made sense that they would be attacked at least once.

He opened his eyes and put his feet on the floor, it was time for him to start his way home. He grabbed his coat from the rack and went out the back door and into the twilight filled alleyway. He walked towards the street looking around at all the people on the streets, which was odd for this time of night. He let his mind wander as he allowed his feet to carry him home.

A group of blacks gathered behind him, murmuring amongst themselves. They began to creep up on him. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he yelled as he was drug into a near by alleyway. They threw him to the ground and began to beat upon him. He got to his feet but was quickly down again when a wooden baseball bat connected with the back of his leg. He knew that his leg was broken by the fact that blood was soaking his pants and the fact that he wasn‘t able to move. They didn’t stop there, they kicked his ribs (surely breaking some), and a few stomped on his already broken leg. He felt tears streaming down his face, he yelled for help but he couldn’t do a thing to stop them. He called out for help, but no one came to his rescue. Suddenly they stopped, one of the bent down inches from his face.

“You’re dead, pretty boy. You’re going to regret it.” Owen could smell the alcohol on his attacker’s breath. The next thing he was aware of was a hot sticky, fluid running down his face and into his mouth. He fought to keep himself awake, but the darkness was creeping in on him, and so he surrendered.

From the darkness he heard a sweet echoing voice, he couldn’t tell what was being said, but it didn’t matter, all he wanted to do was listen to that voice. It was like the voice of an angel calling him to Heaven.

“Owen, come on, wake up. You’ve got to wake up, we’re not safe here. They’re going to come back. Owen, wake up”

He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently. He opened his eyes slowly, confused. A woman smiled down at him sweetly, concern etched onto her face. It was the strange but pretty woman he had seen earlier. Owen felt that he must have been seeing things, surely she couldn’t have wings. She continued to look down at him until he slipped into unconsciousness again. She looked around quickly, then gathered him up into her arms and disappeared.


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Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:13 pm
Rei wrote a review...



There are a lot of places where you have a comma and really should have used a period and started a new sentence. Unfortunately, that and one other technical thing really distracted me to any of the better qualities that it has. I do have some suggestions to make it better, though.

Owen walked down the darkened alleyways of New York with a feeling of dread. Typical paranoia, he thought, but the hissing of a cat burst him into a near run. Before long though, he was safely inside the bar, which he knew to be a blind pig. He didn’t have much money on his person at the moment, but that didn’t really matter. He looked around before sinking down into a wooden chair to gather himself. He took a few deep breaths and rested his head in his hands. It had been a long day, followed by an even longer night.


Be more visual here. Like others have said, show don't tell. Make us really feel what is happening.

She looked back with golden eyes, but only for a second before she turned back to look at the television hanging from the wall.


Restructure this. I would change it to, "She looked back with golden eyes, but only for a second before she turned back to face the TV hanging from the wall."

He turned to walk out of the bar, he turned to look back one last time.


This is one of the places where you have two complete sentences but write them as if they were one. You can make it one sentence though, e.g. "He turned to walk out of the bar, but decided to look back one last time." That way you also don't repeat words when you don't have to, in this case the word "turn."

As he walked down the sidewalk he failed to notice that a fairly large group of men who started to follow after him. He turned down an alleyway, which he knew to be a shortcut, speeding up slightly, not wanting to be out on the streets much longer. He looked over his shoulder as he turned the corner, catching the eye of one of the men, whose grin disturbed him greatly. The man seemed to be plotting something, like he would like nothing more than to jump Owen. He rushed into his apartment building and up the dirty stairwell to his apartment, locking the door swiftly behind him. He sat down on his beige colored sofa with a sigh, he kicked off his tennis shoes and peeled off his socks. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and flicked on the television. He flicked through the channels aimlessly, finding nothing worth watching, except for some infomercials. He turned it off and made his way down the dimly lit hall to his bedroom. He pulled off his t-shirt and threw it on the floor with the rest of his dirty clothes. He crawled into his queen bed not bothering to move the jersey comforter, he closed his dark blue eyes and fell asleep quickly.


This is the other thing that distracted me. It could be a very good paragraph, but what distracted me is the first word of each sentence. Nearly all of them start with the word "he." Reading a paragraph like that gets pretty tedious, and you do it several times in the story. That could be cured by being more visual in your description of what happens.

“Hey, what’s going on?”
“I need to you come into work today, Owen,” said a very feminine voice.
“Alright, when?”
“Now if you don’t mind.”
“Gotcha, be there soon.”


The dialogue here itself is fine. If I were watching a movie or TV show, I would not be shaking my head and saying hwo fake it sounds. The thing about a movie or TV show is that I would be able to see who the woman is (so use the woman's name and not just "a femanine voice") where she is calling from. In your narrative, explain who she is and where they work. Also, I want a reaction to this. Most people are not very pleased about the idea of being called in on their day off. And one nitpick, All right and Alright are pronounced exactly the same, so you might as well use the correct one.

“I need to you to start pulling double shifts for a while. We just lost another waiter due to all the gang wars in the area. I hope you’ll be okay with that, I know you live in the area so it wouldn’t be hard for you to get here,” she looked at him hopefully.


Again, we need some emitional reaction to this. The person died (I'm assuming). He didn't quit, which is what the scene reads like. And instead of saying "due to all the gang wars in the area" it's the perfect chance for some exposition. Tell us what actually happened. Is he dead or in the hospital? Who is the person Owen is replaceing? Besides, only news reporters would word it that way.

A group of blacks gathered behind him, murmuring amongst themselves. They began to creep up on him. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he yelled as he was drug into a near by alleyway. They threw him to the ground and began to beat upon him. He got to his feet but was quickly down again when a wooden baseball bat connected with the back of his leg. He knew that his leg was broken by the fact that blood was soaking his pants and the fact that he wasn‘t able to move. They didn’t stop there, they kicked his ribs (surely breaking some), and a few stomped on his already broken leg. He felt tears streaming down his face, he yelled for help but he couldn’t do a thing to stop them. He called out for help, but no one came to his rescue. Suddenly they stopped, one of the bent down inches from his face.



A group of "blacks"? Are they things or people? Also, this is way too short. Drop us into the action. Let us get into Owen's mind. Also, include some exposition. When I read this, all I see is a fight but have no reason to care beyond my usual concern for humans. We need to know what is going on and why to care.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive with this. I usually like to have a more positive tone, but those grammar errors and the constant starting of sentences with "he" really distract.




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Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:32 am
zoeybird13024 wrote a review...



I love your ability to kill off the main character the first chapter--I would have hesitated until the third. Just wanted to start off with that!!! ^^

I think that you should include more showing than telling, as Snoink had said. It was hard to get a mental picture of the scenes with the lack of description. The restaurant doesn't seem like a very fancy place, but Owen dressed up for work. I wouldn't want to dress up for work if I worked at a sleezy place like that!

Owen is an odd one, no? He seems very reserved and quiet, but I see no other traits visible. And his appearance remains a bit of a mystery, too. A recall dark blue eyes...and I believe that was it!

The woman--is she an angel? You might want to subtly hint at that.

There are a few errors, but they've been pointed for the most part. I refrained from nitpicking because there were a few things that I myself would've personally changed and it probably wouldn't have helped you at all! ^^

Owen's death is a bit mysterious...would a gang just walk up to someone and murder them? Or is Owen even really dead...? Hmm, I didn't ponder that a first! :wink: Perhaps you should have Owen provoke them--just for the fun of it!

Other than this, I thought it was marvelous! The plot and story are quite unique, from my perspective. Keep working on it--it'll be a masterpiece! ^^

-x-Zoey




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Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:49 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Oooo, I liked this. It had a very suspenseful atmosphere. I am guessing that this is going to be a forbidden love story where the red-haired girl is part of a gang and she isn’t allowed to speak to this waiter….maybe?? That’s my guess :wink:

I did notice a few things:

It was your normal crowd of late night drinkers and partiers, then he saw her.


I think if would be cool if you ended this sentence at “partiers” and started an new one. Makes it more suspenseful that way. :wink:

He took his drink, laying his money on the bar, he turned in his bar stool to watch the woman. She didn’t seem to notice his staring, or maybe she did but she didn’t care, she just continued to watch the sports.


Very odd sentence structure. Now, maybe this is just me because this is the second story I have read where it goes like this, where you have long sentences with commas separating things…so maybe I am totally wrong at pointing this out. But I think is sounds really funny to me. Try splitting it up and making it smoother.

Owen pushed his empty mug back on the bar and stood up stifling a yawn, he turned to walk out of the bar, he turned to look back one last time.


Comma after “stood up”. And I think you should end this sentence at “yawn” and start a new one after that.

He flicked through the channels aimlessly, finding nothing worth watching, except for some infomercials, he turned it off and made his way down the dimly lit hall to his bedroom.


Again, I suggest you end this sentence at “informercials” and start a new one after that.

“Just the person I was looking for. What’s up Sara?”


Comma after “up”

“I bet, now get your butt in here,” she said walking into the office, Owen followed behind her.


Instead of “followed” it should be “following”

“I need to you to start pulling double shifts for a while, we just lost another waiter due to all the gang wars that take place. I hope you’ll be okay with that, I know you live in the area so it wouldn’t be hard for you to get here,” she looked at him hopefully.


Again, that (and it is probably me) awkward sentence structuring. I just find it really hard to follow. It advise that you split this up into a few different sentences and make it smoother.

“God, Sara, I hope you plan on paying me overtime for this,” he rolled his eyes and looked at her with a smile.


No comma needed after “this”; just a plain period will work find. And it should be a capital “h” on “he”

“We’ve got no idea, the police aren’t doing anything about it, and we’re getting a lot of people lately. So until we can get someone else in here, you’re it,” she sounded distressed.


Again, no comma needed after “it”. Just a plain period will work and a capital “s” on “she”

As he walked through the kitchen he noticed that a lot the kitchen staff was being silent, which was odd for them.


I think (emphasis on “think” :wink: ) that there should be a comma after kitchen, but I’m not positive.

As he made his rounds, he noticed that one of the other waiters was watching him the kitchen window.


I think you are missing the word “from” in this sentence. It should be in-between “him” and “the kitchen”

He walked to the back room, he leaned against the door frame.


Instead of a comma after “room” add “and” instead while cutting out the second “he”

But he would never threaten them, not unless he had too, and as far as they where concerned, he didn’t have a reason to threaten them at the moment.


Lots of “threatens” and “reasons” and “as”’s. Need to clean up this sentence.

Sara sighed and handed him a piece of paper, “You’re new schedule, don’t lose it,” she turned and walked back out of the room, Owen followed after her and went straight into the kitchen.


No need for a comma after “paper”. Period will work fine.
No comma after “it”. Period is fine.
And change “followed” to “following”

At the end of his shift he walked into the back room and sat down in one of the plush chairs and put his feet up on the table.


I think (again, using the “think” :wink: ) there should be a comma after “shift” but I’m not positive.

“You’re dead, pretty boy. You’re going to regret it,” Owen could smell the alcohol on his attackers breath.


No need for a comma after “it”. Just a plain period.
And “attackers” should be “attacker’s”

Whew!!

*wipes brow*

Not that all that is taken care of, your story was good!

I will be looking forward to the next installment :D




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Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:30 pm
colourless-rainbow wrote a review...



anonamuse wrote: He looked over his shoulder as he turned the corner, catching the eye of one of the men, whose grin disturbed him greatly.


This is an instance where I think you need to show, not tell. Instead of telling us the grin was distrubing, describe it. Decribe, for example, if he has a cold light in his eyes or if he otherwise seems blank of expression/thought, or if it's a threatening smile and how. We, as readers, need to be able to summon up an image in our minds of this smile, but you're not giving us the tools to do it.

Also, I think you should vary your sentence starts a bit. I'm so picky about this, but to me the first words of sentences stand out, and the majority of your sentences start with "he". Try rearranging words, or using his name now and then to give this a bit of variety.

anonamuse wrote:we just lost another waiter due to all the gang wars that take place.


Is this supposed to be very matter-of-fact. To me this feels a bit, well, impersonal, too formal maybe. Like she's talking about somewhere very far away, like, "the gang wars that take place in that country three thousand miles away". Maybe "the gang wars taking place" or "the gang wars going on" would be better to give it a more immediate feel.


I am, however, interested to see where this story is going and more about this woman that turns up at the end. She must be some woman to be able to pick him up so easily... *is curious*




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Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:57 am
sokool15 wrote a review...



hey there! I have one thing to add to Snoinks excellent comments:

The scene where he gets beat up could be slightly less 'telling,' a little more 'showing.' Instead of "he was thrown to the ground and started getting beaten," you could have something more dramatic and intense, with a little more lead-in than "the blacks were creeping up on him." Maybe he starts walking faster, starts sweating a little bit, feels prickles on the back of his neck? He feels a hand grab his shoulder, cries out in pain as the pavement hits his shoulder blade...then the first solid thwack of a light wooden baseball bat against his stomach. Or something. You see what I mean, I hope.

anyway, that's all I had. Nice job! It's a good story.

Au revoir,
~MademoiselleKool 8)




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Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:23 am
Anonamuse says...



Thanks Snoink! I'll go back through it in a while to fix somethings and add a little more. I haven't done much editting yet, but I'm hoping I'll be able to this weekend. So, hopefully I'll post a more refined version.




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Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:38 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



I saw a grammar error, but I'm hoping someone else points it out, because I don't want to refind it. :P Anyway! Here are my notes. And mind you, I am slightly and sick and stuff, so it may not make any sense, but ... yeah! Enjoy!

1. Some introspective musings in the beginning, about how badly his day went and whatnot, would be immensely helpful in the beginning. That way, we get to know who he is and what his problem is right away. Some wondering is good, but not all.

2. I want to see more of the tensions that exist between the gangs. Don't just tell me that they fought... show it to me. More specifically, let me know how it started in the first place. That way I can determine how intense the conflict is.

3. Mention the races of the waiters and waitresses. No, they might not be involved with the gang wars, but their races might be a huge factor that decides how well the gangs relate to them.

4. How upscale is this place? Maybe you can describe the waiters putting the greasy food on the table, if it is not that upscale. If it upscale, then you have a problem, because gangs are not going to be that stupid and kill people in the restaurant.

5. Describe the mysterious girl. Tell us her race, what she looks like, and anything else that is important.

6. You might as well say the race of Owen too, while you're at it.

Anyway! Slightly nitpicky, but I hope that helps!





sweet mother of asparagus
— GengarIsBestBoy