There are a lot of places where you have a comma and really should have used a period and started a new sentence. Unfortunately, that and one other technical thing really distracted me to any of the better qualities that it has. I do have some suggestions to make it better, though.
Owen walked down the darkened alleyways of New York with a feeling of dread. Typical paranoia, he thought, but the hissing of a cat burst him into a near run. Before long though, he was safely inside the bar, which he knew to be a blind pig. He didn’t have much money on his person at the moment, but that didn’t really matter. He looked around before sinking down into a wooden chair to gather himself. He took a few deep breaths and rested his head in his hands. It had been a long day, followed by an even longer night.
Be more visual here. Like others have said, show don't tell. Make us really feel what is happening.
She looked back with golden eyes, but only for a second before she turned back to look at the television hanging from the wall.
Restructure this. I would change it to, "She looked back with golden eyes, but only for a second before she turned back to face the TV hanging from the wall."
He turned to walk out of the bar, he turned to look back one last time.
This is one of the places where you have two complete sentences but write them as if they were one. You can make it one sentence though, e.g. "He turned to walk out of the bar, but decided to look back one last time." That way you also don't repeat words when you don't have to, in this case the word "turn."
As he walked down the sidewalk he failed to notice that a fairly large group of men who started to follow after him. He turned down an alleyway, which he knew to be a shortcut, speeding up slightly, not wanting to be out on the streets much longer. He looked over his shoulder as he turned the corner, catching the eye of one of the men, whose grin disturbed him greatly. The man seemed to be plotting something, like he would like nothing more than to jump Owen. He rushed into his apartment building and up the dirty stairwell to his apartment, locking the door swiftly behind him. He sat down on his beige colored sofa with a sigh, he kicked off his tennis shoes and peeled off his socks. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and flicked on the television. He flicked through the channels aimlessly, finding nothing worth watching, except for some infomercials. He turned it off and made his way down the dimly lit hall to his bedroom. He pulled off his t-shirt and threw it on the floor with the rest of his dirty clothes. He crawled into his queen bed not bothering to move the jersey comforter, he closed his dark blue eyes and fell asleep quickly.
This is the other thing that distracted me. It could be a very good paragraph, but what distracted me is the first word of each sentence. Nearly all of them start with the word "he." Reading a paragraph like that gets pretty tedious, and you do it several times in the story. That could be cured by being more visual in your description of what happens.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“I need to you come into work today, Owen,” said a very feminine voice.
“Alright, when?”
“Now if you don’t mind.”
“Gotcha, be there soon.”
The dialogue here itself is fine. If I were watching a movie or TV show, I would not be shaking my head and saying hwo fake it sounds. The thing about a movie or TV show is that I would be able to see who the woman is (so use the woman's name and not just "a femanine voice") where she is calling from. In your narrative, explain who she is and where they work. Also, I want a reaction to this. Most people are not very pleased about the idea of being called in on their day off. And one nitpick, All right and Alright are pronounced exactly the same, so you might as well use the correct one.
“I need to you to start pulling double shifts for a while. We just lost another waiter due to all the gang wars in the area. I hope you’ll be okay with that, I know you live in the area so it wouldn’t be hard for you to get here,” she looked at him hopefully.
Again, we need some emitional reaction to this. The person died (I'm assuming). He didn't quit, which is what the scene reads like. And instead of saying "due to all the gang wars in the area" it's the perfect chance for some exposition. Tell us what actually happened. Is he dead or in the hospital? Who is the person Owen is replaceing? Besides, only news reporters would word it that way.
A group of blacks gathered behind him, murmuring amongst themselves. They began to creep up on him. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he yelled as he was drug into a near by alleyway. They threw him to the ground and began to beat upon him. He got to his feet but was quickly down again when a wooden baseball bat connected with the back of his leg. He knew that his leg was broken by the fact that blood was soaking his pants and the fact that he wasn‘t able to move. They didn’t stop there, they kicked his ribs (surely breaking some), and a few stomped on his already broken leg. He felt tears streaming down his face, he yelled for help but he couldn’t do a thing to stop them. He called out for help, but no one came to his rescue. Suddenly they stopped, one of the bent down inches from his face.
A group of "blacks"? Are they things or people? Also, this is way too short. Drop us into the action. Let us get into Owen's mind. Also, include some exposition. When I read this, all I see is a fight but have no reason to care beyond my usual concern for humans. We need to know what is going on and why to care.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive with this. I usually like to have a more positive tone, but those grammar errors and the constant starting of sentences with "he" really distract.
Points: 890
Reviews: 685
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