Gilgamesh, they called me. The King, the one who would never fall. Like Achilles, they said. But Achilles wasn’t invulnerable; he had his mortal heel. And I too have a vice- old age. With the ceaseless passing of the days, my strength has waned and my legend has become just that, a legend. Once I was a proud public hero, standing tall before the cheering crowd. Now, my creased skin and feeble body stand tribute to who I was, to who I will be remembered as.
I remember so many terrible, treacherous things that my eyes, now milky with age, once took in with crystal clarity. The men still fall, gurgling and screaming, the widows still cry out pitifully, the children still clinging to their mother’s dress hems, not understanding but feeling a pain that is not really theirs. In my dreams, men, comrades, dear, dear friends laugh and joke together, bowling curveballs then grinning in triumph as their opponents lost a wicket, sharing a warming brandy in the comfort of such-and-such a clubhouse on countless wintry nights. Then the scene shifts, and I see them, not much older, lying bloody and lifeless, corpses before their time. Their smiles are replaced by limp, open jaws, their creased eyes wide with pain, fear and shock. Each setting contains a friend, dead or dying, their lives pouring from so many wounds, knowing it is the end, their eyes betraying them as they make their final jokes with blood at their lips, or seeping from between their clutching fingers. I crouch beside each one, hunched shoulders shaking as raw sobs escape my lips, I sit beside them calling out their names and knowing that they cannot hear, that they never will again. I wake up in a cold sweat, shouting out their names, crying for help, someone, please!
But there are good times in there too, hidden at the back of the drawer of memories. Shared secrets before battles, joking about them afterwards. Furtive glances conveying mirth in a new commander or member of our team of soldiers. Kissing my Victoria, whose lips haven’t graced mine for fifteen years now, beneath the tinkling chandelier at the ball where I asked her for her hand, feeling her silky skin quivering beneath my eager hands on our honeymoon in the country, countless awakenings to find myself battered and bruised, sometimes with injuries so severe that I never fully recovered from them, but nonetheless alive, if not wholly well.
One of the clearest of all the memories left is the morning of the Charge, the Battle of Balaklava. It was my first real experience of military action, the same year I signed on. That one battle taught me all I know- of how men just twenty years old can become ninety overnight, how a commander can make or break a battle, the feeling of losing a dear friend, or even just an acquaintance, seeing them die before your eyes, or at your feet, and most of all how it feels when your heart beats so hard that you hear every thump, and your lungs feel as if they will explode, and you can feel the seconds of your life running out, like the last grains of sand in an hourglass.
The above is a excerpt starting at the very beginning of my book 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this was a fun little excerpt to read. It seems like a pretty solid start here to this particular story. I think you've done a pretty good with this little introduction of sorts to the story and it seems interesting.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is an interesting start. We don't see kings at the end of their reign all that often, but its a very unique direction to be going in, that much is certain. I love the plan already here...it seems like its going to perhaps be a bit of a change from the norm when it comes to stories like this and well, I'm already liking this.
Well that's not particularly surprising for a king that has weathered their way through a lot of battles especially if maybe there is some threat to the kingdom lurking about. Its not the most original of dreams to be had but well, its the tried and tested method that certainly works wonders in getting us readers to pay attention here.
Well...that's certainly something there. It seems the queen is also dead judging by that and it seems despite the nightmares there have been plenty of better moments and better memories for the old king to fall back on when he had to. Perhaps this isn't about to be plunged into battle after all, we shall see soon enough I suppose.
Okayy...now that is a very interesting excerpt because this seems to suggest that this story is going to be somewhat of a look at the past almost to analyze a battle this king was once part of rather than a new one he has to partake in during his old age. That certainly makes this a little different a bit more cliche..but nonetheless this is shaping up to be interesting.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think we're off to a good start here, a few slightly cliche things going on there but in the long run I think it is still got enough uniqueness working for it. Its certainly something I'd like to read to more of.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the great review! I noticed the cliche, but its fine i reckon
thanks again! 
Heya, and welcome to YWS! ^^
I'll apologize in advance for the brievity of this "review" which actually bears closer resemblance to a useless comment. Truth is, this was good enough for me not to have anything major to say about it, and still wanting to tell you it was good. Also, it's 1 o'clock in the morning and my thoughts aren't really parallel with the rest of me.
So, grammar, spelling, style - no complaints what-so-ever. Storyline - seems interesting, though not much to go by with yet. Main character - definitely fleshed out and with strong emotions straight from the start. The last line might be a little cliché, but what the heck, it doesn't really stand out awkwardly, so no biggie.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you show great potential and I'll look forward to reading some of your stuff later on.
See you around!
|Life|