Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Lyrics » Romantic

E - Everyone

El Amor

by AnoCannotUserName


Dime que lo que sientes es lo mismo que siento cuando estoy contigo

Dime que no soy loca, que mi corazon tiene razon

Dime que toda la gente lo tiene mal

Dime que un dia me vas a volver a amar

Dime que lo que sientes es lo mismo que siento cuando estoy contigo 

Que sientes amor

------------------------------------------

Te digo quien tu amas, niña mia, no es buen niño

Te digo quien tu amas te dejo, tu corazon es roto

Pero entiende que no lo tenemos mal

Pero entiende que nunca te va a llamar

Te digo quien tu amas, niña mia, no es buen niño

Nunca fue amor

-------------------------------------------

Dile que no los cree y que si la amo, que si la quiero

Dile que no es loca y que su corazon tiene razon

Dile que toda la gente lo tiene mal

Dile que ese "un dia" llega ya

Dile que no los cree y que si la amo, que si la quiero

Es mi unica amor

--------------------------------------------

Y yo si te quiero y ya sepo la verdad

Y yo si te amo y jamas de ti me separara

Que todo el mundo lo tenga mal

Aunque todo el mundo diga basta ya

Yo te sigo queriendo porque tu eres mi felicidad

Eres mi ultimo amor 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 3205
Reviews: 54

Donate
Sun Jul 29, 2018 3:32 am
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your poem!

Okay so, fair warning, I have never read a Spanish poem (I did take 4 years of Spanish in high school, but my understanding of it is a bit rusty) so I'm going to attempt to focus more on the tone and rhyming scene (all the while using a Spanish Dictionary). Also, I just want to note that I don't think I see a lot of poems on here in a different language, so this was a different way of approaching poetry and I like that. Anyway, let's get into it!

So, in the first stanza, the narrator is crying out to their lover about why they don't feel the same way as the narrator. I do like that you start off each line with 'dime' because that overall begins to set up the tone for how this whole lyrical poem is going. I do want to note that in 'dime que toda la gente lo tiene mal', it is doesn't really end, I guess. Like, what does the narrator want the person to tell that what is bad? I think if you added more onto it or gave a bit of a hint at what it was, then that line will run smoother. I'm also noticing that this poem is very dramatic and has the narrator wanting the person they are saying this to, to talk back to this and feel the same way they do.

The next stanza is a bit chunky in terms of just using the correct Spanish word. For example, 'niña mia' should be 'mi niña' because when you translate that, it just becomes 'Mia girl' which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The next thing I want to focus on is 'Te digo quien tu amas, niña mia, no es buen niño'. The wording for this is a bit weird (but since it is translated, I would suspect so), but even though it is I do think you could reword it to 'digo a usted, mi amor, no es bueno para usted' because you are referring to the girl as your love and when you have it in this form, it makes a bit more sense.

The next bit is 'Te digo quien tu amas te dejo, tu corazon es roto' which when translated also doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What I think the main problem with writing a poem in a different language is you kind of struggle with figuring out verb tenses and how one word could mean something else when you really just want it to mean that one thing. It is also tricky when you put it through a translator and it comes out a bit wonky. Of course, that could just be most translators are a bit off in some way. The overall tone I got from this stanza was that the narrator is trying to get the person to dump their current lover (which I will admit is a bit rude >:[ but sometimes you need that drama in your life).

One thing I would suggest is that you could have two people in this poem -- the narrator and the person the narrator is talking to. I think it would give both sides of the story and kind of expand more on what is happening (you could even do Spanish and English in the same poem!)

Another thing I'm noticing as I'm reading is that there isn't a whole lot of accents on some of the words since in most cases, that helps figure out what word is what. I do think you could try adding some accents here and there to make the words different from other words, but that is just a simple suggestion. In the same vein, it is always fun to just mess around with languages and if you were able to, read some Spanish poems to pick up on how you should word things.

Y yo si te quiero y ya sepo la verdad

Y yo si te amo y jamas de ti me separara


In the beginning of these two lines, you don't need to have the 'yo' there as 'te quiero' and 'te amo' (which I think should be 'me amo' since the narrator is saying that the person is 'MY lover' -- 'te' is more used for they/them while 'me' is more for I in Spanish), since the 'te' kind of covers that part of the sentence and would be read as 'And I If I love you...' and that's bit awkward.

To cap, I think the main issue was finding the right words and verb tenses to use in this poem. Spanish is a tricky language with a lot of verge tenses (I forgot most of them when I left high school lol), but I think you could practice just reading Spanish poems to find the right groove in writing poetry. The one thing I do like about is that I haven't read a lot of poems in Spanish, so it's nice to see something different. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!






Thank you very much for this review. I really appreciate it! I will take into consideration your suggestions and be sure to make the appropriate changes. So sorry for a very late response. This is my first time back on YWS after a while. Thank you once again for taking the time to read my poem and review it. :)



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:55 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem where a lover asks someone to take a message to his love. Seems as if they are apart and others are striving to keep them that way.

Here are my recommendations


Supe
http://www.spanishdict.com/translate/supe

Ya se =I finally know = present
ya supe =I got to know = past perfect tense

Sepo is not a Spanish word that I am, aware of.


The word you are looking for is perhaps not teniendo or tenemos.
Undergoing a bad time is "pasando un mal tiempo." seems better.

"pasarlo mal"

Estoy pasandola mal. = I am experiencing a bad time.

niña mia, no es buen niño . . . .
Are these children being referred to?
If indeed they are, then what are they doing in love relationship?

Perhaps Muchacho and Muchacha would be better.

The word "amor" is masculine.

So it is "unico amor" not "unica amor".

Dile que no les creo. = Tell her I don't believe them.

Dime que toda la gente lo tiene mal.
If this means : Tell me that everyone is misunderstanding.

Dime que todos lo estan entendiendo mal. [everyone is understanding or wrongly]

or

Dime que toda la gente lo estan entienden mal.
[Tell me that all the people are understanding it wrongly.]

"Dile que no los crea" Tell him or her not to believe them.
"Dile que no los creo" Tell her or him I don't believe them.
"Dime que ella no less cree" Tell me that she doesn't believe them.

The verb "dile" which meas tell is gender neutral.

"diles" = tell them.
"dile"tell him or her.

Dime = tell me
Dinos = tell us.






Thank you so much for these suggestions! I will be sure to make the changes I need to for the poem. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and give me your critique. Sorry for the late response. I haven't been on here in a while. However, I want to make sure the work from your review doesn't go unnoticed, so once again thank you very much for this!



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 3110
Reviews: 31

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2018 3:25 am
SnowGhost says...



This is beautiful! :) I should really brush up on my Spanish, because though I understood most of it, there were quite a few words I had to Google translate.
I think it's awesome to see on this site, works written in different languages ans I would love to see more pieces written in Spanish. :)






thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it :) Despite being Hispanic and being a Spanish speaker, this is the first piece I've written in Spanish, so I am really glad that you like it. I had fun with this and I want to write more in Spanish so if you want to read more in Spanish, be sure to check back. Sorry for the very late response. I haven't been on YWS in a while but thank you so much for this nice comment. I really appreciate it!




You can not put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator.
— alliyah