Hello, shaniac here to review your poem!
Okay so, fair warning, I have never read a Spanish poem (I did take 4 years of Spanish in high school, but my understanding of it is a bit rusty) so I'm going to attempt to focus more on the tone and rhyming scene (all the while using a Spanish Dictionary). Also, I just want to note that I don't think I see a lot of poems on here in a different language, so this was a different way of approaching poetry and I like that. Anyway, let's get into it!
So, in the first stanza, the narrator is crying out to their lover about why they don't feel the same way as the narrator. I do like that you start off each line with 'dime' because that overall begins to set up the tone for how this whole lyrical poem is going. I do want to note that in 'dime que toda la gente lo tiene mal', it is doesn't really end, I guess. Like, what does the narrator want the person to tell that what is bad? I think if you added more onto it or gave a bit of a hint at what it was, then that line will run smoother. I'm also noticing that this poem is very dramatic and has the narrator wanting the person they are saying this to, to talk back to this and feel the same way they do.
The next stanza is a bit chunky in terms of just using the correct Spanish word. For example, 'niña mia' should be 'mi niña' because when you translate that, it just becomes 'Mia girl' which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The next thing I want to focus on is 'Te digo quien tu amas, niña mia, no es buen niño'. The wording for this is a bit weird (but since it is translated, I would suspect so), but even though it is I do think you could reword it to 'digo a usted, mi amor, no es bueno para usted' because you are referring to the girl as your love and when you have it in this form, it makes a bit more sense.
The next bit is 'Te digo quien tu amas te dejo, tu corazon es roto' which when translated also doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What I think the main problem with writing a poem in a different language is you kind of struggle with figuring out verb tenses and how one word could mean something else when you really just want it to mean that one thing. It is also tricky when you put it through a translator and it comes out a bit wonky. Of course, that could just be most translators are a bit off in some way. The overall tone I got from this stanza was that the narrator is trying to get the person to dump their current lover (which I will admit is a bit rude >:[ but sometimes you need that drama in your life).
One thing I would suggest is that you could have two people in this poem -- the narrator and the person the narrator is talking to. I think it would give both sides of the story and kind of expand more on what is happening (you could even do Spanish and English in the same poem!)
Another thing I'm noticing as I'm reading is that there isn't a whole lot of accents on some of the words since in most cases, that helps figure out what word is what. I do think you could try adding some accents here and there to make the words different from other words, but that is just a simple suggestion. In the same vein, it is always fun to just mess around with languages and if you were able to, read some Spanish poems to pick up on how you should word things.
Y yo si te quiero y ya sepo la verdad
Y yo si te amo y jamas de ti me separara
In the beginning of these two lines, you don't need to have the 'yo' there as 'te quiero' and 'te amo' (which I think should be 'me amo' since the narrator is saying that the person is 'MY lover' -- 'te' is more used for they/them while 'me' is more for I in Spanish), since the 'te' kind of covers that part of the sentence and would be read as 'And I If I love you...' and that's bit awkward.
To cap, I think the main issue was finding the right words and verb tenses to use in this poem. Spanish is a tricky language with a lot of verge tenses (I forgot most of them when I left high school lol), but I think you could practice just reading Spanish poems to find the right groove in writing poetry. The one thing I do like about is that I haven't read a lot of poems in Spanish, so it's nice to see something different. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Points: 3205
Reviews: 54
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