Hey Santa, you're a batty guy,
You've never gifted me a thing.
And that's because of lie,
You know, of lies I'm king.
My parents wish I didn't lie,
And I am sure this is useless
I wish I were a bit more sly,
Just there was more sureness.
My parents wish I studied better,
No chance, I'd rather say.
I wish I had more anger
-A chance to get a sway.
My parents wish I had a friend,
I don't know what they do mean.
I wish I had lots of chips to spend,
Then I'd rather buy a teen.
He'd be my slave for ever,
He'd clean my shoes, and so on...
But there's a problem here:
He'd just be like a pawn.
He'd never tell a secret,
He'd never spare me,
He'd never share a biscuit,
And this is not because of fee.
So I don't wanna be a lier,
I don't want to be irate,
I don't wanna be a slier,
I just wanna have a mate.
And all I wish that
Everyone forgave me,
Oh, I was like a rat!
A rat... Don't wanna be!
And I wish my parents didn't worry.
Oh, Santa, I am so sorry!
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141,409 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hello, I'll be reviewing your poem. Welcome to YWS too!
This poem was certainly an early start to the festive Christmas season ahead, so good job on that. Although Santa may not like it so you might just be on his naughty list this Christmas, but fingers crossed.
Now, onto the review.
"Hey Santa, you're a batty guy,
You've never gifted me a thing."
I've noticed you poem is more on the informal side, so I'll critique it with that in mind. Despite being British myself, I did have to search up the slang meaning of, "batty" which means mad or insane. With that knowledge, I'm not sure if the word "batty" fit in terms of meaning, especially with following on to the next line. Maybe greedy would have fit more?
"And that's because of lie,
You know, of lies I'm king."
This line didn't make too much sense to me. I feel like your rhyme scheme is more of a hindrance than a benefit most of the time as it's contributing to the lack of clarity. There's nothing wrong with rhyming, but the rest of the line and context has to make sense.
"My parents wish I didn't lie,
And I am sure this is useless
I wish I were a bit more sly,
Just there was more sureness."
This was confusing to me. Wouldn't lying be considered "sly" too? The last line here needs some revising as it didn't feel necessary to include as it didn't make much sense. But it rhymed with "useless".
"My parents wish I studied better,
No chance, I'd rather say.
I wish I had more anger
-A chance to get a sway."
There were too many ideas going on here. At one moment you talk about studying, then onto anger? It just didn't flow too well.
"He'd be my slave for ever,
He'd clean my shoes, and so on...
But there's a problem here:
He'd just be like a pawn."
This stanza, was lacking slightly in punctuation, but I know your general language style for this poem is informal, which is fine. But, it still requires a degree of punctuation and coherency. There should be a full stop or semi-colon after the word, "ever". The phrase, "and so on...", seemed quite lazy to use, it wasn't too poetic. I know you can be more creative with that sentence. Also on the second to last line, the colons should be a comma, or ellipsis would work here to add suspense.
"I just wanna have a mate."
This line was a bit inconsistent with what you previously mentioned, when you wanted a friend.
Overall, this poem just needs a bit more editing and you'll be well on your way. It has potential. I hope this review wasn't too harsh, but was of help to you.
--Chips
Nice !..did you wrote it yourself??
Yes, I wrote it myself. It was a hometask at school. But then I decided to show this to others)
Hmm. interesting poem. Though I got rather confused at the sudden turn of feelings in the last few stanzas. I mean, first the boy says that he thinks its silly to have a friend, but then he says he just wants a mate. Eh?
Anyway, nice topic! Just a few things: The line " And that's because of lie" isn't right. Maybe you made a typo? In any case, you can change it. :
Mysticalxx