My Life

helo there... Firstly i would like to say well done for writting such an intersting poem. It takes passion to write from the heart and personally i think you felt what you wrote. I must say i liked it and i hope you will continue to write. All the best!!!

Okay, so after reading the first stanza, I get all this "tool" phrasing, I call it tool phrasing because it has to be used by your images and imagery to build and create those emotional blows you're talking about. (Yeah, I just made that up? So what?) I am seeing don't look down, but what's so scary? Is it thousands of cars and all these people will see? Is it jagged spikes that are going to impale you? Or a mother pushing a baby and you're going to land on them and kill them?

Basicly, why should this be so tense, and how can you use what you have here to support some imagery?

After reading the second stanza: Okay, so I see no... Connection between this and the first stanza other than going and doing something new, something difficult or tense, or scary. Not sure, really. You have conceptual expansion but no... World to put in it, this is currently an empty universe with laws of physics but nothing to see or observe or let us know how they are there.
(Ps if stanza three follows the same thing I'ma just just say repeat)

After reading stanza three: I feel this should be closer to stanza one, it kinda expands on that jump idea, but it's still staying as an idea.

Okay all of the poem lacks imagery, WIth that said I can move on.

You should try describing how it is to jump through the air, don't just tell us about this experience, take us there.

Try to find one motion of events that you can try to use to show this, to help add onto this. Granted by the time you get this down right, you'll take 95% of lines out and keep the important ones, because your images will do the rest.

So trying thinking about where you are in this, whos there, what's around, what are their qualities, how can you use them, what do other people normally think of when hearing them? First try building up your flow, and imagery.

Oh and a way to help your flow is to watch syllabels and try to make sure that you don't repeat a line without expanding it, without giving it that same meaning for it to continue being a powerful line. Otherwise it just gets annoying, and weighs your poem down.

You got some stuff here, but a bit to go still.
Good luck, keep writing,
silented1.
(ps sorry if I was redundant / annoying / stupid. and pm with any questions)

Oh and welcome to YWS.

Hold your breath, and jump. Jump as high as you can.
Fly through the air, and wait. It feels like your#FF0000 ">you're on top of the world.
At first, the height will scare you, but breathe through it.#FF0000 "> It took a second to make sense. Just saying, the wording could be a little better.
Then bounce, and twist, like there's no tomorrow.

Stretch past your limits, and be an overachiever.
Nobody ever said that's a bad thing.
Do something random, just because you can.
Then bounce and twist like there's no tomorrow.

As you go higher, there's a moment of silence.
You feel like the whole world's watching you.
Then your head gets back into reality, and you#FF0000 "> Every line before this ended with punctuation. It was a little weird that this didn't.
then bounce and twist like there's no tomorrow.

You feel special, because everybody is watching.
But trying harder you fall. But remember what you coach always tells you,#FF0000 "> Saying 'you fall' two lines in a row isn't the best idea.
Get up when you fall. So get up, and do it all again...
then bounce and twist like there's no tomorrow.

Because that's what cheer is for.
Living like you mean it, achieving your dreams.
Flying through the air, as you repeat to yourself,
Then bounce and twist, like there's no tomorrow.#FF0000 "> The underlined part didn't make much sense the first couple times.