She felt alone, no presence, no soul
Hope was kind, but fragile, he helped but never fixed
She felt abused, abandoned, neglected
Optimism came and went but never stayed, he was often replaced by fear and apathy
She felt confused, worried, anxious
Peace was forced, he felt safe and calm but expired too quickly
She felt shallow empty, hollow
Anger lingered in her stomach, he always stayed to remind her of her ache
She felt all these things at once, then they went.
Her fragile hope shattered away,
her optimism never visited again,
her peaceful drugs stolen away,
yet her anger had stayed.
She felt alone, no presence, no soul
She felt abused, abandoned, neglected
She felt confused, worried, anxious
She felt shallow, empty, hollow
So she jumped and hung in the air
She took a few extra prescription peace
Yet her ache remained
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Your description of this poem was: "A Poem about suicide... like literally every other poem on here lmaoooo".
I take offense to that, being suicidal myself. Suicidal people take offense to it. Who in their right mind would think that that is hilarious? That we're laughing our *expletive* off? We don't write poetry about depression/anxiety/self harm/suicide to have others think "lmaoooo". We write it because that's our innermost personality, deep thoughts that fight to remain a secret but demand to be shared. We write it to convey emotion, and to bring out such a powerful response to such a sad and gloomy poem. We write it because in that moment, that is what brings us to our lowest point in the functionality of life. We most certainly do not generalize that every poem is about the touchy topic of suicide and we are even more certain that it is NOT funny.
This just pissed me off when I read it, and I decided to wait a day before writing this review. Because yes, I have seen many poems about mental disorders and suicide, but honestly if I had read this before looking at your poem's description, then maybe I would have found more feeling for it.
Instead, I wasn't exactly your biggest fan of this. I'm not going to go ahead and list everything that I deem wrong with this piece; I'm just ending it short. Because people who think suicide is "funny" or depression is "funny" or trying to kill yourself in different ways is "funny", or taking drugs to reach a new level of awareness is "funny", are people whom I do NOT like and will stay VERY far away from.
I am not a hostile person, especially on YWS. Congrats on posting your first poem. Oh, and 'welcome to YWS', AnnWest. Be careful of what you say.
I'm sorry if this offends, I too suffer from depression and anxiety so it wasn't meant to sound like a joke. It's a description that explains my poem, a poem about my own personal experience with suicidal thoughts and actions. I'm sorry if it offended you but you are completely blowing this out of proportion.
And you say "we're" like your containing a group of people in a bubble and certain people who may have the same issues don't understand. I understand what it's like to be suicidal, I also understand that most writers and poets are. It's a fact, so yea I find it funny that my poem (which is based on myself and my suicidal thoughts) is probably seen as "oh just another poem about suicide, no big deal" Its hilarious, because that's how most people think. But thank you for reading my piece and not commenting a thing about my piece. (Btw my description didn't bother anyone else who commented)
Hi there AnnWest and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this poem.
Now overall, I can empathize with the feelings in this piece very well, having struggled with depression. However, I find that depression and suicide are really hard to write about well. They sort of lend themselves to the same images, which means it's hard to write one that really stands out. They're also hard to write when you're in the midst of those feelings, so I find my writing on sensitive subjects is better when I've recovered a bit and gained some distance.
That said, I do think you have something interesting here with the personified version of the emotions. That's pretty unique, and I feel like you could do more with it. Like maybe you could use imagery to describe the appearance and behavior of these emotions, so the reader can literally see how the speaker is feeling.
The rest of this piece seems to rest on simply telling us what the speaker is feeling. That's kind of boring, which is why I suggest building on the personification you're using already to make it clear how the speaker is feeling without saying "She felt X". Why not personify these more negative emotions as well?
I have mixed feelings about the ending. I agree with the previous reviewer that the second line is oddly worded. Maybe it would work better as "She took a few extra pills of peace". However, I do like the last line. It makes it feel ambiguous about whether or not her attempts succeeded and also suggests that suicide wasn't the solution after all.
Overall, I think this had an interesting twist on this subject, but it could be fleshed out more. Welcome again and keep writing!
Thank you so much, I'll definitely try to fix those things.
As for the second to last line, in my head it made it sound like she was taking extra pills that were prescribed (making the same drugs that were meant to help her, killed her) and also that it could eventually bring her peace.. I'm not sure if that really came through, so I'll probably change that too.
Thanks again for the comment!
Hi! This was an emotional poem and it definitely manages to convey a mood of hopelessness. I like the way you describe different feelings and how everything is repeated right before the end - as if it all comes to her and she simply can't take it any more.
. Keep writing!
"Yet her ache remained" - as a person who has had some moments of despair I think I can feel the pain incorporated in the poem. You do well in presenting her insecurity and the emotional maelstrom she has to endure.
In the beginning, there are plenty of "he" and I didn't quite understood what they stood for. In case they refer to hope, optimism, peace etc. I would suggest you put "it" instead (because all of the things you refer to are not people). Like, hope is "it" and not "he".
Also, In the end, the phrase "a few extra prescription peace" doesn't sound quite right to me. "A few peace" isn't something you can say so it is better to go for "a little peace" or something of the sort. This is the only place I found that needs rewording.
Just one more thing (as a suggestion) - you can put a comma after most lines; it reads well enough as it is now, but it won't do any harm. You could put a full stop in the last line (or you may leave it this way, like it isn't quite finished and all these feelings continue to bother her - this is also a valid option). Either way, it's punctuation and we're talking about poetry, so the choice is yours.
I hope that if the poem was written from experience, everything is OK or will be so in the nearest future
~justdream
Thank you so much for your comment! It was extremely helpful, and I will take those things into consideration.
As for the ending, it was supposed to sound like she was taking extra pills that would eventually bring her peace.. I'm not sure if that completely go through. But I'll definitely think about re-wording it.
Also, yes this poem was written from experience but everything is going to be okay, thank you!