A bullet flew by me. That was when I understood the severity of the situation we were in, my eyes displayed fear and shock to commend the realization. My jokes immediately came to a halt as I saw Steven die before my eyes each stab a menacing memory that I would have to bear forever. The teacher tried and tried to push the killer off of him but her efforts were futile and meaningless. She got shot.
Thump.
The sound of the knife piercing his flesh was painful enough until we saw the killers face. It was smiling with large eyes and a layer of fresh blood to top it off. It said that we were next. A collection of screams burst out from whoever was left. We were doomed.
He started to head toward us with his head scarily tilted. He started to sing.
“Time to die, Time to die, Time to die….” A soft voice sang
We were too petrified to make even one sound all of our eyes bulging out our heads screaming save us with our hearts thumping like we ran a marathon. Thousands of sweat beads covered our faces as we shook in pure terror and horror.
This time he went for Henry as some desperately tried to move him off only to end in an ominous pile of my classmates. A burst of terror erupted once more from us as the killer pushed off the dead bodies clung to him.
There were 12 of us left. He laughed at our plight relishing our situation licking every drop of blood off of his lips. He started shooting bullets at us.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Darkness.
When I awoke my parents were at my side ready to comfort me, my Mother in tears and my Father in shear shock.
“Samantha!” they cried in unison at my awakening.
“What happened?” I asked wearily.
“All of your classmates died Sammy” my Dad said.
“You were the only survivor; you passed out and ended up surviving. The killer killed himself” my Mom got out.
I was too scared to speak. This wasn’t right.
“I’m so sorry you had to have seen all of this Sammy” my Mom apologized.
“I can’t believe any of this I just passed out while everyone died! This isn’t fair, I should have died!” I screamed
“Sammy” Dad sternly said
“No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!” I pursued.
Everyone stared at me as my father picked me up to take me out of the room.
Before I left I heard a police man tell my mother that I might have something called PTSD and that I could be scarred for the rest of my life.
I already knew that part. The sounds were still fresh in my mind. They persistently kept replaying in my head no matter how hard I tried to block them out. The terrifying sound of the knife piercing was in my head along with the thump of Mrs. Barton hitting the floor.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, this is kinda messed up, but it's supposed to be I think.
You really need to clean up your punctuation though, I saw several mistakes, to many to point out, so please, just read through it carefully.
You did well illustrating her shock, and the guy who killed them seemed appropiately psychotic. Though you should really expand on this. Tell us the events leading up to the guy killing everyone, tell us who he is (or was) give us more!
Overall, great piece, hope to see more of your work!
~Authorian
Hello
So this is a short story quite well written. You have done a great job with description of the situation, especially in the first part of the story. Ever heard of 'show, not tell'? You managed it wonderfully. I am delighted that everything was so precisely described.
Though I can see some mistakes on punctuation and grammar, these could be easily fixed. Sometimes I write and type to fast that some full-stops are missing. Just read it once more and they can be easily fixed (which really is not my emphasis in this review).
Just thinking that you might want to put it like this:
Just a thought, so you might alter it, but I think the original one is quite confusing, and there is a need to change.
Your beginning is really intense, but the part near the end seemed too hasty. You could give more details on how you react. That would possibly enrich this part so that the whole story would become more balanced.
I like how you use one-word paragraphs to create a tense atmosphere and effect. Keep it up!
One last thing: you might want to change your title, for it could have been more attractive. Anyway keep writing!
Chilly story. I hope this isn't the last chapter for this short story. I really love horror story and this has caught my interest. I saw a few errors for example you wrote "the teacher tried to get the killer of him" and latter proceeded to say she so it left me confuse as to what gender the teacher actually was. I felt bad for the kid for reliving the memory of his nightmare. I'm confused as to how he survived just by passing out. The way you described how the killer looked reminded me of the creepy pasta i think it was called jeff, which was a plus for me. I hope you continue writing.