z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Insomnia & Anxiety

by Anico146


Insomnia and anxiety walk hand-in-hand

Through my mind they creep

Frolicking forever in my endless thoughts--

Continuous and never-ending.

I cling to myself while trying to overcome them

but instead I cry

Like a child unable to control their fears.

I wish for them to leave me.

Sharing this burden is forbidden

And is an unspoken rule amongst us

So once again, insomnia and anxiety spend the night

In my mind with a pillow, a blanket, and a flashlight.


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Points: 98
Reviews: 3

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Tue Jan 17, 2017 4:20 pm
ovrd0se wrote a review...



Hi Roman here to review your work :)

So I'm really digging your poem, it's emotive and descriptive and is quite easy to imagine.

It really connects with me for some reason, whether it be because it feels to real of because I know the sense of walking a tightrope with anxiety and insomnia on either end of the balance pole.

You personified these 'lets call them road bumps' with great depth which really allows the readers to feel the tense connection. You used your words in such a way that these road bumps don't have a sense of anger or darkness about them but instead they're more humble but unwelcomed. This poem is great for open interpretation as you have made these road bumps less frightening it's could be almost as if you secretly do not wish for them to leave as you fear if they do you will lose something that has walked side by side with you for so long.

'sharing this burden is forbidden' I do not quite understand this line as it just perplexes me is it in the sense that the longing for them to leave is forbidden? or the want for them to stay? it may be good to elaborate a bit on that.

This poem flows extremely well and the grammar is pretty well done :)

Keep up the good work!

Roman @ovrd0se




Anico146 says...


Thank you for the review!



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139 Reviews


Points: 5205
Reviews: 139

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Tue Jan 17, 2017 12:54 pm
Biluata wrote a review...



Hello there, Luata here to write a review! How do you do this lovely morning (though there is nothing lovely about it where I live, it is dark and raining and far too early for any sane human to be awake)? As I've asked everyone else that I've reviewed thus far, please be patient with me, it has been a while since I've reviewed things and I'm still getting back into the habit.

Overview

Sorry if there are any typing errors in this review. I'm writing it on my way to my school bus and it is pitch black, which is for some reason screwing with my typing skills. Anyways, I wanted to tell you that I can definitely relate to your poem, which is something important for anyone who writes, knowing that they connect with their reader. At least, it's important to me. Again, I'm no professional and my critics come from my personal, preferred aesthetic, so please, feel free to ignore my comments, contest them, or use them as you see fit. I found your poem just a bit difficult to read (flow was choppy) and I whereas I could see you using that to communicate the ... distractiveness? (my apologies, I lack a better word at the time.) of insomnia and anxiety. You have a good meaning though and you put a nice spin on it (which is of course, very important when writing about a topic that has been written about before). I have a hard time getting a lot of feeling from your poem though, but I'm not sure if that is due to your writing or because I'm just tired.

Edits

Alright. Onward and upward! I am known to be a bit of a grammar Nazi, so please, bear with me. To start, the lack of punctuation in this poem bothered me. I feel like it would have read just a bit easier if you would have broken it up with punctuation.

Frolicking forever in my endless thoughts--

Continuous and never-ending.


I found these lines to be a bit troublesome. Because you use "forever" and "endless" in the first line, using "continuous" and "never-ending" in the second one becomes kind of redundant, wouldn't you say? I would suggest a rewording, or perhaps, cutting those lines, but again, that's completely up to you. PM if you have questions or want any further suggestions along the lines of wording and the such.

Sharing this burden is forbidden

And is an unspoken rule amongst us


Again, these two lines gave me some trouble when I was reading over them. For some reason, just looking at the rest of your poem, I feel as though your vocabulary is higher caliber and I think you could definitely improve on this particular section with some different wording. Again, I won't elaborate for the sake of attempting to keep my review relatively short, but PM me if you want my opinions.

So once again, insomnia and anxiety spend the night

In my mind with a pillow, a blanket, and a flashlight.


Finally, I think the imagery you were creating throughout your poem is lacking here. You make insomnia and anxiety sound almost like friends, something comfortable, but that isn't the feeling you were trying to create with the rest of your poem. Here, with the last stanza, you're almost contradicting yourself. I'm not sure if that was done on purpose or not, though.

And there we have it! I hope that you find this at least a little bit helpful. It always makes me pleased to see that someone has taken the time to review a work of mine, so I thought that I would return the favor. I look forward to reviewing your future works.
~Luata




Anico146 says...


Thank you for the review! I apologize for the grammar and wording being pretty faulty...haha, I actually wrote this at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep. Everything just kind came out raw and unedited and bleh, but thank you for pointing some of the errors out.




The emperor is rich, but he can't buy another day.
— Chinese Proverb