The sea was blue.
The sky was grey,
And tears were rolling down your face.
I watched you cry
so helplessly
I could tell that you wished this was a dream.
In the distance you could hear sirens scream.
I watched you fall onto your knees.
"It isn't fair" you cried then plead
"Please don't take her away from me."
My eyes pooled with sudden tears
And the boy who had held me so dear,
I let him down and now I see
I was wrong to think so selfishly.
Can I go back and fix my mistake?
He cared and I took my life away.
I'm sorry, love.
I'm so sorry.
Please know that I cared for thee.
Please...
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey there! This is my first review in a LONG time so, I'll give it my best shot!
Okay so overall I LOVED this poem. It shows amazing imagery and strong emotions. It painted a picture in my mind and took me into the mind of the person speaking in the poem. I liked the fact that the poem didn't have too much rhyming because I feel that poems with such powerful meanings don't need to rhyme because it takes away from the poem itself. I also like how it ended with the title "Please". At the end of reading this amazing poem I went, "Wow!"
Things I personally would have done:
I feel like the switch of tense from past to present took away from this line a little. I feel like it would have been rewritten as:
"It isn't fair" you cried then pleaded
However, this poem was amazing and you are a very talented writer, keep up the great work!
~GalaxyUnicornz <3
(Anna)
Thank you!
The piece was a very touching and emotional insight to the effect people's actions have on others. Imagery was utilized in a useful way that added to the emotional depth and weight the piece carries. Also, the symbolism you used with the sky being grey showed the grey cloud that hangs over people and darkens their world when they lose someone. The ending had a power to it as well that shows how the person regrets his or her decision and wishes to undo the pain he or she caused. He or she is pleading that the distressed person know that he or she cared deeply for them and wishes he or she could tell them that. Overall it is a powerful piece worth reading.
Thank you!