In the middle of a room sat a steel table. The walls surrounding me were a pure white and on one wall was a heavily tinted window. Everything in the room --the table, the wall, the window, the floor-- made me sick. The pristine look of it all was almost mocking my current state. I sat in disgust just as there came a click and looked at the door just as a boy, who could not have been much older than me, walked in. I remember seeing him before but now his once formal attire was a casual black t-shirt and dark jeans. The boy had a pair of dark clothes and what looked like military boots tucked under his arm as he sat down at the table across me. He stared and in return I held his gaze saying nothing.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he spoke.
“Cassie, do you know how you got here?” Point one, he knew my name and I haven’t said a word as far as I can recall.
I sat looking at him and shook my head. He watched me as if studying my reactions and expressions making me force myself to keep my demeanor neutral. He set the clothes in front of me and rested his elbows on the table as he straightened.
“I think you do, Sweetheart.” I tensed, ignoring my perfect posture and slouched a little with my arms folded and my legs stretched out in front of me.
“That’s what he called you, right?” I shifted and looked at the table as he continued. “He promised you and Brendan that nothing bad would happen. Then left you with your stepmother, Sa---“
“Do not say her name,” I hissed. His expression remained un-wavered.
“She beat you…”
The boy paused as if he was waiting for me to say something, but I stayed silent. “And Brendan, your brother.”
My memory flashed, an image of Brendan and me kneeling on the floor choking from the dishwashing liquid our stepmother shoved down our throats when she was angry. Another of me coaxing Brendan out of a school vent because he didn’t want to face another night of gasping for air. The boy coughed to bring me out of my trance. I focused on his fingers and my eyes trailed to a black bracelet with white letters:
GLACIERS
I nodded at his wrist. “A band?”
The boy sighed, clearly aggravated with my lack of cooperation. “No,” he said as he stood up to walk to the door. Once he was standing at the frame of the door he said, “your life.”
At the time his words made no sense, but who can blame me? Twelve year old girl with a bad past. Sounds like the same old story told, but this time it felt different. Who knew that this boy, the Glaciers, everything, would change me so much? The three years I’d spend here. The years spent making me a ghost, a Glacier. We’re invisible. We have no records. No social media. No bank accounts. There is no digital traces that we are even real. What are we? We are people, but what type? You will never know—because by the time you figure us out, we no longer exist.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i've read a version of this before from your notebook and it's even better than the first time i read it. still there are some minor issues but i you can always fix those in the second draft. i'm excited to read the upcoming chapters!
Hello Anico146, here for a review. I like the premisse of your story, those last lines spike my curiosity like daggers and for a prologue they are enough because they don't disclosure too much information but keep the readers attention.
There were just a couple things I think you could change. First, when you say:
“Cassie, do you know how you got here?” Point one, he knew my name and I haven’t said a word as far as I can recall.
When writing narrative there are things you don't need to add because they are implied as the reader reads and to avoid stating the obvious and preventing the reader getting bored. So, I think you could leave it like this: “Cassie, do you know how you got here?” Point one, he knew my name.
The second thing is more of a visual aspect than anything else. Because you clearly have two diferent moments written in here, being the first paragraphs one and the last paragraph another moment (a present one), you could write the first part in italic, as if she is remembering that specific moment, and leave the last paragraph as it is. Like this the reader will see the difference and focus on the last paragraph, which is the highlight. But this is just an idea
About grammar errors there were two that I noticed. First is 'I sat in disgust just as there came a click and looked at the door just as a boy...'. There should be a 'I' before the looked.
The other is 'Another of me coaxing Brendan out of a school vent because he didn’t want to face another night of gasping for air.' There should be a comma after another.
Anyways great start and I hope to see more soon.
Heyo! This is LouBellew.
As soon as I read the description I knew I had to read this. As I read on, it got better. The way you describe your characters is so vivid, and it hooks you onto the story. The last paragraph concludes it well and simultaneously makes me want to read more.
At the time his words made no sense, but who can blame me? Twelve year old girl with a bad past. Sounds like the same old story told, but this time it felt different. Who knew that this boy, the Glaciers, everything, would change me so much? The three years I’d spend here. The years spent making me a ghost, a Glacier. We’re invisible. We have no records. No social media. No bank accounts. There is no digital traces that we are even real. What are we? We are people, but what type? You will never know—because by the time you figure us out, we no longer exist.
Most importantly, it doesn't sound like every other YA novel. It's totally unique.
Hi there! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
This was really great. By probably the second sentence, I was hooked and would not remove my eyes from the screen even for a moment. I think I looked like a zombie. That's how interesting this was. Not to mention how you've kept me wanting more. Your sentence at the end was so mysterious and intriguing that you have seriously made me want to read more.
Let's delve deeper, shall we?
You show here what an incredible writer you are. Like I've mentioned before, you managed to hook me in and gave me no chance to get out. Your description is extremely wonderful with no flaws at all.
By now, you have snagged me into your story and I am dying to figure out what happens next. This boy seems to be such a mysterious character that I am eager to learn more about. The way I see it, the story is just so cool and so awesome! Can't wait for what happens next!
And you end this with some mystery. You've done it so spectacularly. Like I've probably said at least four times before, you've hooked me. I think you've hooked me into your story so intensely that I don't think that I'll be able to escape!
Seriously great stuff, Anico146!
Happy holidays!
~Holographic Ladybug
.P.S. Could you notify me when you post the next part of your novel?
Thank you so much! I don't even know how to explain it, thank you so much!
Hi Anico146, Felistia here with a review on your work.
Now on with the review.
I see that this is a prologue. I for one really like prologues (If they are done well), but sadly not many people do like them, so I just want to warn you ahead of time that some other people reviewing your work might suggest you to change it into a first chapter. As for me though I really liked it and I think it is a great start to a story.
First off, welcome to YWS. I hope you have a great time here.
Story: The story at the moment it quite intriguing and has left me with a lot of question about what the Glaciers are, how Cassie got to be one and many more. I am sure you will answer them in the later chapters though.
Characters: So by the looks of it there are a few characters in here, but only two were really focussed on a lot in the prologue; Cassie and the boy, who's name we don't know yet. I really like that you gave just the right amount of back story on Cassie with out making it boring and feel like an information dump. I still have a lot of questions about Cassie and her brother. By the way your dialogue is great.
Description: You start off with some description, which gives the reader an over all good picture in the head of what the room looks like, but I have just one suggestion. The part about the window, I would really like to know what colour the window is. I can't tell much about your description skills in this chapter and will see later on in the later chapter whether it is your strong point or weak point or better yet you are good at dialogue and description.
Problems: This sentence is a little awkward to read (I sat in disgust just as there came a click and looked at the door just as a boy) I would suggest you rewording it in places. Maybe write it like this (I sat in disgust when there came a sudden click. I looked at the door just as a boy. ) Just as a suggestion.
Over all it was a great read and I look forward to more of the chapters. Please note me when the next chapter is out and I will get to it right away. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thank you so much!!!
This is really good but be careful when it comes to prologues. I know this from experience, that prologues do not necessarily have a good reputation among YWSers and readers. I think that this prologue will be a good first chapter, so you don't have to really worry about that.
Anyway don't stop writing! The plot is good and interesting. I am curious to what comes next.
~Rachel, The Mad Writer
Thank you!!!