How much has gone past and lost
Since knowing the cover of this illusion?
In ensemble of those sweet, enthralling,
Wavering flames
Yet hefty chains called life
Had not the man seized and burnt,
What could have been but just?
When had it stopped from cutting
And shredding to pieces the unadorned?
Sure, sweat had gushed in rivulets,
As more had those labouring hands,
Wrinkled sagging stretch of skin
Spent scorching under the sun,
Till the skin too had burnt and blown
To a dusty shade of rising morn.
Such hands had held those delicate themes:
Some shadowy figures melded in porcelain.
When rain had burst in potters hut
Of hundred years of misery,
Decades of inhumane thirst and agony,
His back had faced heavens wreath
Embracing his backed treasury.
Those pots baptized by blood,
Held heavens tears in them
Murkiness had danced in white mist
Swirls of tendrils black, flitted in liquid bliss.
The land had reborn.
Though people's shattered lives
And tears,
Mournings upon felled trees and homes
Had spurned the falls merriment.
His eyes beholding shattered things
Fixated upon his earthen goods.
His chest had heaved,
Peace washing away sickening palour.
Amidst the silent cries of blameless sufferers,
His sighs had ruptured,
The silence of that mourn.
Years past, sun still shone bright and hot.
The potter in his tomb of dead hopes,
Sat bare chested,
As his wheel of creation went melding together,
Rushing in rythm while moulding together
Creamy lumps, which swirled, twirled and danced
Rose up and bent
As if in a trance.
Till out at last emerged a dainty figure:
Narrow neck with bounty bosom
Tracing the lines and tales on itself
Of trees bursting in spring with blossoms,
Of vines entwined in meadows,
Rustling past all in thunderous, phantom
Sound of wind passing all, yet none.
Such wilderness, etchings of dreamy tales
Carved were in it's neck of supple taste.
How much of ages past, gone and forgone
He still sweats together to just create?
Tracing blood of an enchanting night
On his one crippled hand of olden age
He sheds not tears of reproach
But sighs of regret.
How much had he spent his life
Creating nothing but flimsy figures of mud?
The summer will shed it's warm hue soon
And shed her glare on him as well.
Neither the beauty of delicate spring
Nor the enthralling views
He so painstakingly etched will attend him
When this dawn at last,
He makes his journey
Past all and go to his deathly prison.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi,
Well done for writing this poem so well! You used personification to create wonderful visual effects for the reader.
However, there are some things which could be improved, and I’ve listed them down here. I hope you’ll find it useful!
I’ve a suggestion for these lines: Mournings upon felled trees and homes
Had spurned the falls merriment.His eyes beholding shattered things
Fixated upon his earthen goods.
Maybe you should put a semicolon instead of a full stop at the end of the first two lines; it would probably flow better that way.
Another suggestion for another line: When rain had burst in potters hut
I’m not sure if you mean the hut of one potter or huts of several potters, but you need to fix a grammatical error. If you mean one potter’s hut, it should go like this: When rain had burst in the potter’s hut
If you mean several potters: When rain had burst in the potters’ huts
And the line after that is supposed to be: Of a hundred years of misery.
Anyways, you did a great job overall, keep it up!
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for your poem on this lovely day.
Okay so I'm going to jump right into the review:
Okay so I thought this poem was really well written, and I only really saw a few things to be fixed. So I'll show you them now.
I loved this two lines you wrote I thought they were worded very well. But I think a full stop should be put after the flames. It will make the flow a little better.
Again very well written, but I think a comma needs to be between the cutting and the and.
Well these were the only things I could find that needed t be fixed. I'm sure there are others, but I won't waist your time by going through them all. I think I told you this before, but I'm going to tell you again. I really loved reading this, and I think you have a real talent. You told such a sweet story with this poem, and I don't see that very often. I try to write poems like this, but they don't really work, so I'm glad you can do it.
Again great work. I look forward to seeing more of your work out on YWS. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.