With a wispy, wicked white,
And traces of a grumbling grey
Fickly floats a frivolous could
That is dwarfed by the bright, blue day.
He wanders vast horizons,
As aimless as an officer off duty.
And from dizzying heights he looks upon
Such unbelievable, untempered beauty.
But the sky is exhaustingly everlasting,
And nature's brilliance blossoms far below.
He wanders companionless above the countryside,
As he yearns for a friend or a place to go.
He heavy-heartedly traverses great blue distance.
He can't convey his concerns aloud.
He's without purpose, importance or partnership.
He's only an overwhelmed, overlooked cloud.
Terrific at times, though left lost and upset,
Alone and addled, without answers or supporters.
Forever failing to fulfil his desires
Painfully caught at cloud eight and three quarters.
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This poem is quite different than a lot of ones that you read on here, and I really enjoyed it! It is written in a free and light manner, but at the same time actually covers the topic of being alone, which is so relevant to so many.
There are a couple recommendations I have for changing a couple word choices:
"fickly floats a frivolous could" is just a type of "cloud" and also "fickly" is not a word, heh, so I would recommend changing it to something else. While the alliteration is a nice touch in this line, it's not necessary for three out of the five words.
"As he yearns for a friend or a place to go" I think if you added in "a friend to see or a place to go" it would flow better.
"He heavy-heartedly..." again, heartedly is not a word so while the alliteration is lovely, I would recommend finding another phrase.
Personally, I would change "his concerns aloud" to "his concerns out loud" just because I think the hard T of "out" adds more definition to that line.
"Fulfil" should be spelled like "fulfill"
That's about all...I really enjoyed the poem, it's incredibly creative and intuitive to how people feel. Just a couple grammar things to touch up on, and I think it's absolutely amazing!
A very good piece of poetry it is. I love alliterations in poems and I'm glad your poem sounds great to read out loud because of those beautiful alliterations in there. Especially the part,
"But the sky is exhaustingly everlasting,
And nature's brilliance blossoms far below.", is a wonderful and inspiring line.
You are great. Greetings!!
JUST TOOO GOOOD !
its me charmy reviewing your poem!
your poem is just to amazing.. i mean the way you plot your words and the way you put your emotions in the form of words!
keep writing and inspire me :')
This is a really cute poem! I like the imagery in it. I did catch, however, a possible mistype. In the first stanza, third verse, I think the last word is meant to be cloud. You might want to check on that.