"What memory is inspired by the word 'chalk?' Write it down."
(note: from a writing prompt generator)
Its screech will pierce you. It has no heart, only soul. The children at school, they all stop and listen; minds disrupted by the commanding sound. They claw out their hair in attempt to silence it , to relieve their pain. It will never stop; not until the story has been completed, until the poison has been written out.
More strokes against the light gray of the sidewalk; color born from within the smoke. Has the boy finished? His arm turns an arc, wrist remaining steady with the chalk streaking against the concrete. The pale green in which he gives rise to his legend is nothing more than shaded dust, but for now it will do.
He inhales, the black clouds that once lingered in the air now drowning his system. A few more coughs than usual, but he manages and stays close to the ground to avoid the fumes. Now he cranes his head over his shoulder to take in the world around him.
“A shadow,” the boy says before returning his gaze to the sidewalk, “nothing more than a shadow.”
He picks up a black piece of chalk.
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140,900 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Thanks for the review guys ^^ I'll definitely consider some changes in this once I have time -.-"
Oh! And you changed your name, Ellie? Cool xD But it took me a moment to realize something was off.
-Shina
This was cool. Simple and short, but very neat. I loved the language in it.
In terms of critiquing, the style change from the meditation of chalk to the scene of the boy drawing was a bit jarring. After all, you go straight from how harsh chalk is in the classroom, a tyrant in and of itself, to a point where it is just a tool, an instrument, of a kid. But hey, it seems like it was written stream-of-conciousness, so I'm willing to flow with it.
The abstract imagery was pretty cool. Seriously, I just loved the way this piece felt. Very nice.
*thumbs up* Keep it up.
~GryphonFledgling
Hey, Shina. What's up? This was a really good piece; you're definetly an amazing writer.
Now for the nitpicks. . .
'pierce you' here dosen't really seemed to make sense. Wouldn'tit be something like. . . 'pierce your body'?
Heart and soul are usually two things that are assosicated with each other (i.e 'wih all my heart and soul I wanted to become a soldier') So to seperate them seems a little wierd
What do the strokes do? There is no verb in this sentence.
Thats all I could find. You were wonderful, Shina! PM me if you have any questions.