Kevin waited at the foot of the stairs waiting for Beth – the façade of a caring fiancé being performed beautifully – growing impatient at her delay. Suddenly all the chatter that ensued in the hall halted as Beth gently came down the stairs. Kevin offered her his hand and pulled her close. To the onlookers it was a picture of a couple sharing a loving moment, but it was only a farce as his gray eyes looked into hers and he whispered “Smile, you fool.”
He went around talking to all the socialites with Beth on his arm, a smile plastered on her face.
The chandelier light beamed upon all the masked faces. Waiters went around serving wine in vintage glass. The paintings on the wall were beautifully drawn. The shelf was adorned with books of Shakespeare and others like him. There were pictures of a little girl with her mother – their smile so radiant and heart melting. It looked like someone had picked out everything by hand and decorated the room with much love and ardor.
A soft music floated in the air as the couples graced the dance floor. Kevin and Beth danced too. He moved and she just followed nonchalantly. The song changed and the coupled switched partners. Kevin was paired with a woman in black and Beth was in the arms of a man with blue eyes. She felt his hand on her waist, a warm feeling crawling up her spine. And she looked into his eyes. Her head felt light as memories of a happy past swirled in her mind. Those eyes, his touch…could it be? At that precise moment everyone switched again and she was with Kevin.
There was finally recognition of emotion on her face as she searched for that man. This wasn’t missed by her so called fiancé.
“Why do I see this gleam in your eyes looking out for someone?” he asked acidly.
She didn’t answer because she was oblivious to it herself. Who was that? Who could have renewed all those memories... make her wounds raw…
Jason watched Beth in Kevin’s arms and a sudden desire to wring his neck sprang to his mind. No, I cannot let these feelings overpower me. I have to take my revenge. I must not get diverted from my aim.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I love the beautiful story line developing here its very engrossing. My biggest issue is I see a little character development from Kevin but not from Beth and Jason. That can be easily changed as you progress in the story though. You are extremely detailed with the setting I might would consider adding a little more detail to the introduction. Perhaps elaborate on Beth a little more? Over all great job!
Thank you for taking the time to review my story!
hmm....this was very...interesting. I did enjoy reading this, it caught my attention from the very beginning. I loved all of your details in the third paragraph, especially the last sentence "It looked like someone had picked out everything by hand and decorated the room with much love and ardor" that was a fantastic line. I also really like the word ardor, it fits nicely with that sentence.
Okay, so one thing that I didn't quite like so well was the third sentence in the fourth paragraph, "He moved and she just followed nonchalantly." That word..*shudder*.."just" it could have easily been left out and sounded wonderful, eloquent even. Just take a moment and think about that, listen inside of your head: "He moved, and she followed nonchalantly." Ah, that sounds nice, does it not?
Another thing, there were a few commas missing here and there, you could fix that easily, no biggie. Everyone messes up on commas every once and a while.
One more thing! In the fourth paragraph you used "And" as your start for a sentence. AHHHH! No! That's one of the major grammar No-no's, don't start off your sentence with And! Please! Sorry, I don't usually rage, but I really dislike it when an author starts off their sentence with and.
Anyway, that's about it. I really liked reading this piece, you are a wonderful writer and I fully encourage you to continue. Oh, and another thing, I am not the best at reviewing, so I am sorry if this is a little sloppy. haha.
Toodles.
Okay, I have one word for this: Intriguing!
It was very, very interesting, and I think it's got the potential for originality! The most important thing to me. You are a bit long winded however and you repeat words too much.
In the first sentence you go:
You used waited twice here, see? You only need to use it once, in either spot would work! You need to be careful with problems like this (Yes you have more than this one)! The easy solution the them is usually just a quick proof read. Read it over - out loud - to yourself. You instantly hear those problems. Really, it takes five minutes and it pays! Try it!
But the idea is amazing, it's well paced (Though not enough paragraphs or description in MY opinion) and it seems very interesting & original. I like it how you get a great emotional feel from it! But I get this nagging in the back of my head that this is maybe not the first chapter? Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think there should be more information leading up to this! But that's just me, it's probably not vital in any way!
But good work! I enjoyed this!
Keep writing!
~Black~
Oh, I just noticed this ( You need a 'back' after 'was'!
Thanks a lot for your feedback. I'll proof read it from now on. You are right, this is not the first chapter. There's more to it.
(Kevin’s offered her his hand and pulled her close) What exactly dose this mean (Kevin's)?
(“Why do I see this gleam in your eyes looking out for someone?”) know how would he now what she is thinking?
This Kevin guy sounds like he is a mean one.
Any way nice work and good grammar and spelling too.
Keep writing and good luck.