Salutations.
I'm curious as to whether this is the end of the story. It says it's a short story, but you have multiple parts, so I'm not sure whether this is the conclusion. If so...well, the conflict and story is interesting, but I think the ending could be done better, more...momentous. Katherine's interesting backstory seems as if it could be elaborated on, and her character arc, while evidently small because the story is short, should be more stretched out, especially in that last conversation. I would also say that her emotions sort of move too fast, going from one thing to another quickly. I would agree with beckiw that often the pacing here is way too fast throughout the whole thing. The beginning skips from one day to the next, and the dialogue between her and Ian isn't as meaningful as it could be because it is too fast. I also agree that the dialogue in that scene is a bit unnatural; I'm not sure that people would talk like that if they were experiencing so much emotion.
I would also agree that the perspective-jumping is a bit disorienting, but that's already been said.
I am curious about why you chose to have the title in Spanish. There doesn't seem to be any aspects of culture portrayed here, and no one seems to mention Spanish, so I don't really understand why the title is in Spanish.
I also think Ian as a character is a bit one-dimensional. It might be OK if this was just a story of Katherine and her character, but there are viewpoints from Ian, so I think his character should be elaborated on.
Also, I have some sentence-level corrections:
The candles, soft music, the flowers and the dim light
This series is phrased a bit strangely. Perhaps say it with a comma and "the" before each one, or without "the", instead of switching.
He wanted to bring about her lively appearance by taking her to dinner but the idea hadn’t quite worked.
I think that would be "He had wanted to bring..." Also, I would suggest a comma before "but."
Later that night as he dropped Kate at her house, she said, “Thank you for the dinner.”
There should be a comma after "night." Also, this is one exampled of unnatural dialogue. "Thank you for the dinner" doesn't seem like something someone would actually say in this situation.
Sitting with a glass of brandy, Ian pondered what was bothering Kate. He wanted to help her but he certainly couldn’t if she didn’t cooperate.
I think you should add some sort of transition from him dropping her off to him sitting with brandy, such as "Later that night" or something. Also, I think the second sentence would be better with a comma before "but."
by there sudden meeting.
Their sudden meeting, I think.
Twirling a strand of stray hair Kate thought of the dinner.
This should probably also have some sort of transition. Even some sort of line or series of asterisks would be good, I think. Also, there should be a comma after "hair."
She knew he only meant to be friendly, yet she couldn’t bring herself to be comfortable around him. As if she was afraid some secret would spill out.
I think this should all be one sentence, with a comma instead of the period.
Pushing these thoughts aside Kate decided to what any responsible women would do, she called Ian and invited him to the party she was throwing for a new deal she cracked.
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest a comma after "aside" and turning the comma after "do" to a colon. Also, I think that should be "for a new deal she had cracked."
At the day of the party though, she was having second thoughts about her decision.
"Though" needs a comma before it.
Standing amidst a group of men, he didn’t pay heed to their mindless business chatter.
I think this should be something more like "He was standing amidst a group of men, not paying heed to their mindless business chatter."
Something caught his eye then, a shimmer of black dress, as she came into view, talking to an important industrialist.
I think you should switch "as" with "and."
The music began and couples began to make their way
Perhaps change "began to make their way" to "made their way" in order to avoid the repetition of "began."
Ian walked toward Kate and with an adorable smile said, “Would you grace me with a dance?”
There should be a comma after "and" and "smile."
motioned Kate to join him.
Motioned for Kate to join him, I think.
When her father died, she was so traumatized that even the tears had refused to be with her.
I think you should hint at this part of her past earlier in the story.
All her dear ones had tried to make her cry so that they could relieve her from this internal torture but to no avail.
"But it was to no avail, I think.
People might jump to conclusions about us, love.” He added with a wink.
Change the period at the end of the dialogue to a comma, I think, and make "He" lowercase.
Katherine smiled and this time it was real. Not just a façade to show the world.
There should be a comma after "smiled", and I think this whole thing should be one sentence.
She couldn’t find words to say how she felt so she lifted her face and kissed him.
Put a comma after "felt," I think.
the way they are
The way they were .
I don’t know what love is anymore.”
The storm had passed and the sun had finally seeped from behind the clouds.
This was love.
This is all a bit too...abrupt. She goes very quickly from feeling like she can never love anyone to being in love with Ian. This should be slowed down, and then it can be done more dramatically, with more meaning.
Well, that would be all I have to say. The story's interesting, and the writing's good except for some comma mistakes. Good job, and good luck with any future writing!
Points: 10056
Reviews: 92
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