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El amor es...(part 2)

by Angelorchid


The dinner was amazing. The candles, soft music, the flowers and the dim light – everything gave the scene a dazzling appearance. Yet, there was something niggling at the back of Kate’s mind.

Ian saw the emotions playing across Kate’s face. He wanted to bring about her lively appearance by taking her to dinner but the idea hadn’t quite worked.

Later that night as he dropped Kate at her house, she said, “Thank you for the dinner.”

“The pleasure is mine.” His voice was cold and distant.

Sitting with a glass of brandy, Ian pondered what was bothering Kate. He wanted to help her but he certainly couldn’t if she didn’t cooperate.

“Why do I even bother? If she wants to live in her sad little bubble and refuses to come out of it, what can I do?”

But even then he felt something for her. Something that had been there when he had first set his eyes on her and which had flickered again by there sudden meeting.

Twirling a strand of stray hair Kate thought of the dinner.

“Oh! What have I done! He treated me with such cordial manner and I didn’t even speak to him properly, let alone acknowledge his gesture.”

She knew he only meant to be friendly, yet she couldn’t bring herself to be comfortable around him. As if she was afraid some secret would spill out. Pushing these thoughts aside Kate decided to what any responsible women would do, she called Ian and invited him to the party she was throwing for a new deal she cracked.

At the day of the party though, she was having second thoughts about her decision. But it was too late to turn back.

Ian’s eyes searched for Kate the moment he arrived. Standing amidst a group of men, he didn’t pay heed to their mindless business chatter. Something caught his eye then, a shimmer of black dress, as she came into view, talking to an important industrialist.

The music began and couples began to make their way across the dance floor, swiftly moving to the tunes of the song. Ian walked toward Kate and with an adorable smile

said, “Would you grace me with a dance?”

Mrs. Thornton gave a girlish giggle and motioned Kate to join him. Left with no option, she placed her hand in his and let him guide them to the dance floor.

“My beating heart is getting tired, tonight it feels like it’s on fire… … … you’re my only hope…”

The song drifted throughout the room as Kate looked into Ian’s eyes, getting lost in their dark depths. She felt his hand on her waist, her nerves jangling with alarm.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

“Katherine, please tell me what’s bothering you?”

Her father used to address her with that name. She couldn’t say anything. A dead weight seemed to have settled at the pit of her stomach. Somehow she managed to say, “Excuse me” and walked away, leaving Ian hurt.

“Listen to me…” his voice trailed after her.

She walked into the library, the only place that was not crowded. The moment she was alone, tears welled up in her eyes.

“Katherine, I have always loved you dearly my child…”

Her father’s face flashed in front of her eyes.

When her father died, she was so traumatized that even the tears had refused to be with her. All her dear ones had tried to make her cry so that they could relieve her from this internal torture but to no avail. Now, the dam had been broken.

She felt a pair of strong hands turning her around. She knew it was Ian.

“Wh-at, what happened! Did I do something wrong?”

“I miss my father, how could he leave me like that! Why!” Kate cried into Ian’s arms, no longer able to control the outburst of emotions.

Ian said nothing, knowing she needed this, needed his support.

As her sobbing gradually subsided, Ian began stroking her hair and said, “Don’t worry, I’m there for you Kate. I love you.”

She broke away from his embrace, the shadow of those ghostly tears lingering on her eyes.

“No, you don’t. Nobody does. I can’t do this again. I can’t care for someone again and bear to lose them. I don’t know what love is anymore.”

She tried to salvage as much of her appearance she could and turned to leave. The thought of leaving Ian hurt her even more than she imagined.

“Please don’t do this. Give us a chance. Give a chance to yourself, to your happiness. Look at me.”

She did look, and as he pressed a kiss on her forehead, she lost the battle in her mind.

“But I don’t know how,” she said softly.

“Trust me. Although I think we should return to the party now. People might jump to conclusions about us, love.” He added with a wink.

Her heart skipped a beat. Katherine smiled and this time it was real. Not just a façade to show the world. The storm had passed and the sun had finally seeped from behind the clouds. She couldn’t find words to say how she felt so she lifted her face and kissed him.

That was enough. Ian knew it would take time for her to accept things the way they are, for her to trust him. But he knew it would happen.

This was love.


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92 Reviews


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Reviews: 92

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Sun Feb 17, 2013 5:07 pm
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Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations.
I'm curious as to whether this is the end of the story. It says it's a short story, but you have multiple parts, so I'm not sure whether this is the conclusion. If so...well, the conflict and story is interesting, but I think the ending could be done better, more...momentous. Katherine's interesting backstory seems as if it could be elaborated on, and her character arc, while evidently small because the story is short, should be more stretched out, especially in that last conversation. I would also say that her emotions sort of move too fast, going from one thing to another quickly. I would agree with beckiw that often the pacing here is way too fast throughout the whole thing. The beginning skips from one day to the next, and the dialogue between her and Ian isn't as meaningful as it could be because it is too fast. I also agree that the dialogue in that scene is a bit unnatural; I'm not sure that people would talk like that if they were experiencing so much emotion.
I would also agree that the perspective-jumping is a bit disorienting, but that's already been said.
I am curious about why you chose to have the title in Spanish. There doesn't seem to be any aspects of culture portrayed here, and no one seems to mention Spanish, so I don't really understand why the title is in Spanish.
I also think Ian as a character is a bit one-dimensional. It might be OK if this was just a story of Katherine and her character, but there are viewpoints from Ian, so I think his character should be elaborated on.
Also, I have some sentence-level corrections:

The candles, soft music, the flowers and the dim light


This series is phrased a bit strangely. Perhaps say it with a comma and "the" before each one, or without "the", instead of switching.

He wanted to bring about her lively appearance by taking her to dinner but the idea hadn’t quite worked.


I think that would be "He had wanted to bring..." Also, I would suggest a comma before "but."

Later that night as he dropped Kate at her house, she said, “Thank you for the dinner.”


There should be a comma after "night." Also, this is one exampled of unnatural dialogue. "Thank you for the dinner" doesn't seem like something someone would actually say in this situation.

Sitting with a glass of brandy, Ian pondered what was bothering Kate. He wanted to help her but he certainly couldn’t if she didn’t cooperate.


I think you should add some sort of transition from him dropping her off to him sitting with brandy, such as "Later that night" or something. Also, I think the second sentence would be better with a comma before "but."

by there sudden meeting.


Their sudden meeting, I think.

Twirling a strand of stray hair Kate thought of the dinner.


This should probably also have some sort of transition. Even some sort of line or series of asterisks would be good, I think. Also, there should be a comma after "hair."

She knew he only meant to be friendly, yet she couldn’t bring herself to be comfortable around him. As if she was afraid some secret would spill out.


I think this should all be one sentence, with a comma instead of the period.

Pushing these thoughts aside Kate decided to what any responsible women would do, she called Ian and invited him to the party she was throwing for a new deal she cracked.


This is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest a comma after "aside" and turning the comma after "do" to a colon. Also, I think that should be "for a new deal she had cracked."

At the day of the party though, she was having second thoughts about her decision.


"Though" needs a comma before it.

Standing amidst a group of men, he didn’t pay heed to their mindless business chatter.


I think this should be something more like "He was standing amidst a group of men, not paying heed to their mindless business chatter."

Something caught his eye then, a shimmer of black dress, as she came into view, talking to an important industrialist.


I think you should switch "as" with "and."

The music began and couples began to make their way


Perhaps change "began to make their way" to "made their way" in order to avoid the repetition of "began."

Ian walked toward Kate and with an adorable smile said, “Would you grace me with a dance?”


There should be a comma after "and" and "smile."

motioned Kate to join him.


Motioned for Kate to join him, I think.

When her father died, she was so traumatized that even the tears had refused to be with her.


I think you should hint at this part of her past earlier in the story.

All her dear ones had tried to make her cry so that they could relieve her from this internal torture but to no avail.


"But it was to no avail, I think.

People might jump to conclusions about us, love.” He added with a wink.


Change the period at the end of the dialogue to a comma, I think, and make "He" lowercase.

Katherine smiled and this time it was real. Not just a façade to show the world.


There should be a comma after "smiled", and I think this whole thing should be one sentence.

She couldn’t find words to say how she felt so she lifted her face and kissed him.


Put a comma after "felt," I think.

the way they are


The way they were .

I don’t know what love is anymore.”


The storm had passed and the sun had finally seeped from behind the clouds.


This was love.


This is all a bit too...abrupt. She goes very quickly from feeling like she can never love anyone to being in love with Ian. This should be slowed down, and then it can be done more dramatically, with more meaning.

Well, that would be all I have to say. The story's interesting, and the writing's good except for some comma mistakes. Good job, and good luck with any future writing!




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Wed Feb 06, 2013 3:16 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey there Angel :)

So...I'm a little confused because this says Part 2 but for the life of me I can't find Part 1. Am I just being blind or have you not posted it yet? It seems odd to me that you'd post Part 2 before Part 1! If I've completely missed it though then feel free to bring it to my attention and I'll review both parts together again.

Because I don't know the full picture of this story (and am sort of reading it backwards?) it's a little hard to give a proper review.

However, I did notice some general writing habits you have that I could give you tips on!

Number 1 - Pacing. Your pacing is slightly off. This story moves too swiftly. You don't give the reader enough time to linger on a character's emotion before you're moving off onto the next occurence and a new emotion. This leads to the characters seeming rather inconsistent. Their emotions flip flop all over the place without much reasoning behind all the shifts. So I would say you just need to sloooow down. Unfold the story to us little by little. Let us linger on Kate's uncertainy, feel it, experience it. Let us know Ian's confusion and wonder at how he might rectify it. Also, you need to indicate a little better when you shift in time. At the moment it's all smooshed together so it's easy to skip over and then get confused.

Number 2 - Perspective. You're writing in Third Person. Yay! I like Third Person. Buuuuut. You need to be careful about how frequently you switch between Kate's perspective and Ian's perspective. It's disorientating at the moment because you'll be in Kate's perspective and then there'll be one line of Ian's perspective and then you're back on Kate. Try to stick to one perspective for a longer period of time. Maybe a few paragraphs of Kate and then switch to Ian. This is a good thing to get into a habit of doing. Decide whose perspective you are writing from and stick with it.

Number 3 - Dialogue. Your dialogue is a little unnatural and stiff. Sometimes your characters speak in perfect English and it's off putting. So try thinking about how you speak and translate that into the dialogue. Here's an article I wrote about improving your dialogue. It should help somewhat.

Otherwise...I'd love to read the first part of this story if there is one! So let me know about that :) I'd like to spend a bit more time getting to know Kate and Ian and get embroiled in their love affair!

Bex x




Angelorchid says...


Thanks for your review. Here's the link to part one :http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=99452 :)




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