Prologue: July 15, 1995
Charlie Johnson rushed his wife Abigail to St. Francis Memorial Hospital in Columbus Georgia. Their 3 year old twins Jasper and Emily and 1 year old son Jeremy were in their car seats in the back of the tan suburban. Abigail was in labor with another set of twins, three weeks early.
“Hurry! They’re coming!” she cried out in pain. That got all three kids crying as Charlie sped into the hospital parking lot. He ran in and got two nurses; one for Abigail and one to help with the kids.
July 15, 1995, Aaron Matthew Johnson, and April Marie Johnson were born three minutes apart. Each weighing in at 5 pounds 4ounces. While Charlie held April and Abigail held Aaron, their family was complete. Everything was perfect.
“My baby girl,” Charlie whispered to April and then looked at his beautiful wife. He was to happy to notice the paleness of her skin and the blank look in her eyes as he leaned down and kissed her lightly on her forehead. As soon as his soft lips left her cold, sweaty forehead she gasped in pain. Her skin went snow white and a nurse took Aaron away just before her arms fell limp to Abigail’s side. Another nurse took April from Charlie and then shooed him out of room before he even knew what was happening. Once he was outside he saw Abigail shaking uncontrollably before the nurse closed the blinds.
Before he could get over the shock that was happening, the doctor came out with a pained, sympathetic look in his eyes. He gave the news to the paled face Charlie. From that day on he would be raising five kids on his own. And from that day on he would have to face the pain and suffering of losing the love of his life.
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137,910 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is not the sort of panicky situation that you seen in most prologues, but this is most definitely quite a bit of action that we're being thrust onto the scene of. It certainly catches your attention here...aaand I will say, the whole nurse line there is a bit awkward. The rest is good, but him calling two nurses specifically seems to interrupt the flow a bit too much there. You might want to just mention a nurse arriving and continue from there. There's also a bit of a lack of description but with how hurried things are here, I think that can be somewhat overlooked for the moment.
Oh dear....well that was a beautiful moment, and I should've known it was too nice for things to continue that way....oh wow, that took a massive turn in something that's quite fitting for a prologue I suppose. Oh wow...well, the mother dies giving birth to the two twins. You actually creating a surprising amount of emotion there for a character that we've seen only a few lines ago.
Hmm, well this kind of went full narrator mode there, which I think kind of makes this massive emotional blow feel a bit less powerful if that makes any sense. It kind of zooms out of the story a bit more. I think if you ended this prologue without this paragraph and start the story showing what the narrator here describes, it'd be a much more powerful option here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Bravo! Bravo! This is really good and a great way to start a story. Usually I skip prologues, but yours are different. Good job and keep writing.
Hi there!!
It should be 'Prologue' instead of 'Prolouge'.
Information overload! Like Demeter said, too many names, too much information. Just showing Charlie Johnson driving his wife to the hospital and everyone being stressed about it is a good enough beginning. Cut out the hospital name and the place, if you really need to, you can put these back in in a memory later. Also the kids' names. You can introduce them by having them say something, or whatever, rather than just giving us their names and ages right away.
Unnecessary sentence. We can already tell she's in labor, and as for the early part, maybe you can add it at the end, like the doctor telling Charlie it was too early for her to give birth and that's why she died.
But the story seems cute, I read the synopsis. I'll look at the other chapters. ^.^
Hi, AngelMarie!
This is too much information (=names) for one sentence, especially when it's so short and not to mention the first sentence. Decide what is the most important for the readers to know at this point and leave only that.
Same with this. You could just say "Their three small children" or something. Also, two months is really really early for a baby/babies to be born... even two weeks is quite a lot.
Why is he happy to notice something like that?
Unless you mean that the nurse's hands fell limp to Abigail's side, you might want to say: "Abigail's arms fell limp to her side".
Alright! I think this is quite a suitable length for a prologue, and it also provides us with a good kick start to the story itself. I also found the pace good. Apart from the excess information in the beginning (or the way you gave it) and some awkwardish phrasing, I think this was pretty good and interesting enough that I might keep reading.
One thing to pay attention to, though: make sure that all the characters (=children) are necessary to the story. Don't make them have five children just because they need to have a lot of kids for the father to care about. Do it only if all of the kids will have an important role in the story. I have a feeling the older kids might be left in the shadow of the new twins, as happened in this prologue already. Newborn twins will cause a lot of work for a single father as it is, so if you want to emphasise the workload by adding more kids... don't.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Demeter
x
haha thanks
i fixed my mistake 
I'm still working on the title, but i guess i need to write more to find the perfect one 
thanks for the review 
This is great! I'd love to see it developed in the future. I like your structure. Shouldn't it be "from that day on" instead of "from that they on"? But don't worry- even I make stupid mistakes like that. Anyways, keep up the good work. You are great.