Published January 15, 2006
It's hard to smile when your not here
I felt relieved knowing you were always near,
Everything was fine when you were around
You were always the one making a sound.
But one day you started looking down
Never a smile, only a frown,
That was when I knew something was wrong
You haven't been like that for so long.
You said it was nothing and I knew that was a lie
Next thing I know you were saying goodbye.
So it was the end, we went our seperate ways
It was so awkward the first few days.
Then the phone rang, just as I thought of you
I'm told you have died, there was nothing they could do,
You left a note saying you were sorry,
And how we'll meet again and how you will always love me
I cried and I cried and slowly I began to see,
That this is how it was meant to be.
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coool i really like this bit So it was the end, we went our seperate ways
It was so awkward the first few days.
Then the phone rang, just as I thought of you
I'm told you have died, there was nothing they could do,
You left a note saying you were sorry, thats really cool
A good poem though of quite a common theme. I think some lines are a bit too long like,: “And how we'll meet again and how you will always love me”-they spoil the rhythm flow. You’ve spelt “separate” wrongly. I feel the fourth line makes little sense and it seems forced. On the whole the poem is quite good though the sadness of the narrator is not really expressive. I think the last line of the poem is the key line so maybe the title would be better if it had something to do with it; titles can be anything of course-it’s your poem so you decide.
Thanks for your feedback. But i was just wondering if you could tell me how i could make my poem have more emotion?
You switched between past and present tense-"Then the phone rang, just as I thought of you/I'm told you have died, there was nothing they could do". The rhyming was forced and predictable-you'll find you have much less limitations and more room for creativity and saying what you want to say effectively. The end was also abrupt-not what I was expecting at all. This should have touched me, but it didn't. However, it has potential.