Published July 25, 2006
Taken in by people's charm
Innocent flirting, causing no harm,
Until it leads to something deep
Where I dream of you in my sleep.
Outside beauty, inner disgust
This fling is nothing but teenage lust.
Butterflies in my stomach at every glance
After that one fairytale dance,
I fell for your charm and sweet smile
But now I see that you’re nothing but vile.
Now there is only one thing left to do
And that is to try and get over you.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Thank you for all the comments and advice.
More comments welcome.
This was a very pretty poem, Angel... lol, I've never experienced teenage lust quite like you describe here, but very good nontheless. It flows very nicely, and though I don't usually like aa,bb,cc,dd type rhyme schemes, this really did it credit. ^_~
Good job! ^_^
I think everbody already got evrything. Nice work though.
Don't sacrifice the rhythm. It's there, but you broke it many times. I'll point out these lines:
First of all, nice job on making the poem flow. It had a rhythmic quality to it, although a few lines could use some work.
This line is too long. It throws off the rhythm by one beat. I would take out "slowly" or "sweet."
Add an apostrophe for "peoples." It should be "people's."
"in stomach" doesn't sound right. You need to add something to it, like my so it would sound complete. The line might sound better as "Butterflies in my stomach at a glance" or "at every glance," whichever one.
I can't see anything else. Nice job on this poem. It really had a songlike quality to it. Just work on those things, and it'll improve greatly. Nice work.
The last two lines through off every rythym and ryhming you had going for you
I would take out the "more". It just disrupts the flow:
Until it leads to something deep
Where I dream of you in my sleep
Other than that, kudos to you for making a poem that rhymes and doesn't sound forced. That's tricky to do.