Published April 18, 2006
The fierce ocean leaping over distant rocks,
Moving closer to me at every heart beat.
Feeling the pulse racing trying not to look,
But hypnotized by the powerful waves
getting more strength
getting more control.
Unable to move, paralysed by the fear within
Dark, grey ocean destroying all in sight
All in sight but me.
But now all i do is sink, not understanding where i am
Gasping for breath.
The powerful creature has entrapped me,
The fear has taken me.
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I like this part, the beginning, the best. Beautiful imagery.
Hypnotized should be spelled with a "z" and not a "s", though. And I think maybe the line "Feeling the pulse racing trying not to look" might flow a little better if you had a comma between "racing" and "trying".
I didn't like how you said "getting more strong". I think "getting stronger" sounds better, but I understand the effect you were trying to get by repeating "getting more...", so I just don't know. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
getting...? it sounds so harsh aganist the beautiful pulse you were trying to create.
otherwise, i thought this was great.
This was enjoyable for me. I found the metaphor of "the beast" cliche, and would try to change that.
"hypnotised by the entracing waves": entrancing. But entrancing is redundant there anyway, because you've already told us you were hypnotized.
"not understanding were i am": where I am.
I liked reading this, though it felt a bit cliched to me. You might play around with a different metaphors- "monster" didn't seem quite powerful enough to do the rest of the poem justice.