Published March 17, 2006
These feelings are to hard to keep in
So much dishonesty, deciet, denial.
Is it really worth lies and me committing a sin,
when so much is at stake?
Perfect, pure, passion is how it all began
And i don't know how to tell you the truth
Nothing is going to plan.
Simple, sweet, sacred was once how our love was
But i've fallen out of love with you
And there's nothing i can do.
You came to me and kissed me
A kiss which was once true bliss,
But i do not feel anything real
Nothing but your lips.
So, there is nothing left to say
Except that it was not my intention to hurt you
I hope you forgive me one day
But soon you'll see thingss are better this way.
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
I like it. Its nice, simple, and everyone can relate to it.
I especially like the lists that you have, they add a lot of emotion.
thats brilliant i liked the bit when you wrote But i've fallen out of love with you
And there's nothing i can do. i liked the rhyme you and do clever
I like it but the rhyme scheme seems a little simple. I do like the alliteration on the first line and the general message of the poem, the only thing you maybe need to look at is the rhyming.
As ZanyPlebeain stated, she subject was quite typicel, but I did like this. You're really improving. I still think if you used some stronger verbs, you might have some brilliant imagery, but I see a great improvement from some of your earlier poems here!
I liked this section, but your first line doesn't intrigue me. It is a good thought to start the poem with, but the phrase 'keep in' is very vague and dull. A word to the effect of 'suppress' might work better and a powerful adjective to describe 'feelings' would also add power to the first line. Your 3rd line seemed kind of cluttered so thinkg about cutting down on some of the words in there (like omitting 'me'). Besides that, the section was pretty good.
It's neat how you start each new thought with an alliteration - good technique! Your 2nd line sounds a little cliche, but it's morning so I'm exhausted and I can't think of anyway to fix it.
The first line was good, but the wording was a little awkward. Perhaps 'was how our love once was' would sound more natural. Second line was a little cliche, but worked here. I think the 5th line has potential to be really powerful, but 'which was once' seems very laidback for a verb for this, so think about what other phrases could describe that kiss once being true bliss. I love your last 2 lines here, clever.
This last stanza was good in conclusion, but I don't think you took full advantage of this subject; this could be powerful, but doesn't convey that potential power through your words. The first line is good, but a very common phrase. You can say 'I find myself lost in hopeless words, 'I find myself speechless', 'No words can capture what I long to say', you can use many different phrasings to make it powerful, but I see ' there is nothing left to say' as a phrase used so often it loses its meaning if not surrounded by some very different context. My thought on that line pretty much speak for the other lines in this stanza - good, but not as good as you can make it be!
I see a lot of potential in this poem; great job and please keep writing! You're improving!
PM me if you have any questions...
I agree...this is better than the little of what of yours I've read in the past. I would suggest trying to take some new topics and attempt writing about them--often, it seems to me, your poems can be a bit typical.
all i can say is that i enjoyed this new style of yours compared to your prior works. please pursue this format further.