Published February 14, 2006
Look out into the world and smile
Dive into great oceans worry free,
Run along the never ending road for miles
Feel the air upon the highest cliff and breathe
Taste the sweetness of the juiciest fruit
Stand on a beach, as water tickles your feet,
Sit and listen to the beautiful flute
Lie on the sand and hear your heart beat.
Look at life and learn,
Let past mistakes burn
Feel life and drift
So you'll know that you have lived.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
I agree with everything Bob said above. Work on structure. Your rhyme was great.
I just noticed a few other things...
It's spelled 'juiciest'
this seemed repetitive- 'take in air' and 'breathe'. How about 'feel the air upon the cliff and breathe' or 'relish the air' or something to that effect.
I think you could really work with your words here 'cause some of your word choice seemed weak, but this didn't seem to be aiming at clever power; it seemed to be a more refreshing poem, so I won't get into all that. The main word choice problem for me was the one above.
Besides that, this was relatively good. Not amazing, but definitely refreshingly simple. Good job.
Loved the end... nicely done... please keep writing.
I LOVED this poem, the way it is written, the subject, and the fact that it is positive. It made me feel good and it gave me good visuals. So refreshing. My only complaint is the ending, I think that the ending lets the rest of the poem down. I loved it up until and including "Look at life and learn".
The last three lines lack in imagery for me, they also don't seem to flow as well as the rest.
Good work, overall I liked it lots!
[I really must learn how to use the "quote" button properly]
I liked this, paticularly the ending. A couple of things though...
1) Bob was right about the rhythm
2) Adding a 'that' to the last line makes it sound better to me. 'So you'll know that you have lived.' Maybe just me, who knows
Apart from that very nice.
thats a great poem and good use of ryhme
Righty-o.
more punctuation to give breathing space; commas and [semi]colons.
Firstly, your use of rhyme was a breath of fresh air. There are *so* many people who butcher it (hey, I've certainly been guilty of it!) but your was well done. The only one I didn't like was "learn/turn" which seemed kind of forced; that might be because you've suddenly switched from rhyming ABAB to rhyming AABB AND suddenly dropped the line length - both of those factors together kind of emphasise the obvious rhyme - if I were you, I'd try and find a half- or discreet-rhyme, like you've done with "drift/live." Apart from that, however, your rhyme added to the poem's flow without being painful or obvious - wonderful to see someone manage it
Now, that said, I'm not very happy with your structure/rhythm. You see, the problem with this is that there *isn't* really rhythm, and the reason is that you've got one-line sentances. Every line, with the just about exception of the final pair, are full lines in themselves: they read like they should have full-stops after them. What this does is make everything choppy and thud-thud-thud point-point-point image-image-image with no flow. You've got to use proper run-on lines more, so that one part flows easily into the next without stopping like it should be a sentance end, until you get to a natural break. Longer sentances
Your choice of topic is fairly neutral - while it was an image typically associated with beauty, there's no personal connection: no story or character or theme that we can really get our teeth into. It's not a really bad thing, it just turns it into a bit of a fluff poem
I think that's all - in general, good; you just need to re-work how your lines are set out. Most impressed with the rhyme; keep using those kind of skills and you'll make a good poet, IMO.