Published October 17, 2005
Your eyes look old,
Your hands are cold.
You pretend to be bold
As your arms slowly fold.
Inside you are broken and in pain
It's not long before you go insane.
As you walk up and down this empty lane,
You have no-one but yourself to blame.
She is dead, dead because of you
You told her to take the pill because it was cool,
And now you have ended up looking a fool
With a young girl lying dead, because of you.
(I'm quite happy with my poem. I don't think it needs changing. Thank you for your comments but some will like it and some won't, and i don't fell i need to change it.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,290 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
I agree with Incandescence as well. More emotion/imagery, less rhyming. Rhyme tends to take away from serious poems. Not always, but most of the time. Go more in depth and use a little more description.
I agree with Incandescence, I didn't feel any emotions or anything in the poem. I suggest you edit it and have more feeling, maybe make it longer. I don't like the fact that in two stanzas all the lines rhyme, that kind of messes up the poem.
Emm..good work, I guess.
hey i think this was pretty good...the girl died becuase of peer pressure...the guy was pressuring her to take a pill...and when the girl took it she died...or atleast that's what i see, but ithink it was mostly the girls falt for taking the pill in the first place!!!
So? ... What do you want me, the reader, to do? Hate him? Have pity for him? Because I don't -- your words were not descriptive enough, which, I think, is a direct result of feeling restrained into a 'rhyme' scheme (consequently, I suggest you drop it). This piece was neither emotionally nor intellectually engaging; it seemed to rely solely on the 'shock' at the end that somebody was the cause of death and they have (or should have) a lot of grief, blah blah blah. Shock tactics alone don't work in poetry.