Blood poured from her delicate fingers as she scratched at the wooden door, trying to break free. From the other side she could hear a bellowing laugh and what she assumed was mocking, though the language and accent were both alien to her. Every scratch and every whimper echoed in this tiny dungeon, the kind her father had told her about where the bad people of Satan went.
Seeing that she was getting nowhere she fell to the floor, her back leaning against the now slightly splintered wood, as she tended to her bloody hands. Wiping them across the white dress she had been wearing when she was taken, she now looked as though she had taken part in a murder.
Curling up in a ball, choking back sobs, her father’s voice echoed in the back of her mind. “Never forget there is hope for everyone. No matter how small it is, it’s there.” Now it seemed to her that those words were just garbage her dad had told her to make her feel better when she cried. There was no hope left.
Above her she was aware of a twinkling light that startled her out of her reminiscing. Looking up she saw a beautiful man, towering over her with his hand outstretched. His blonde hair fell gently around his soft, smiling face, and his muscular arms seemed safe and warm.
Standing slowly, she could not draw her gaze away from his sparkling blue eyes that were easy to lose all your worries in. She could not deny that overall, this mesmerising figure was gorgeous. But as she stood she noticed something that surely should’ve been the first thing she saw. Shimmering around him was a thin layer of white light, and it encased his whole body so perfectly, leaving no part of him uncovered.
“Who are - ?” She began to ask but the man pressed one finger gently to his full lips before pointing to the scratched door she had been clawing at. That’s when she remembered the foreign man outside the door who had been mocking her and noticed how any question would have to wait if he was not to notice.
Looking back his hand was once again outstretched and for some reason she could not resist taking it in hers, it was so inviting and the only form of love she’d received in the past 3 days.
Taking her hand, he smiled broadly at her, his straight white teeth showing just for a second before leaves began falling around them and her feet felt like they were hanging from a great height. Peering down she realised they were as she was sat in one of the highest branches of an oak tree near the village she was from. Her hands were no longer hurt and her white dress was cleaner than when she had bought it.
“My name is Charles” a voice said softly. She had not noticed the beautiful man had been sat next to her on the branch.
She blushed as she mumbled “I’m Katherine”.
“I know” Charles said, his deep voice was just as perfectly unblemished as his appearance.
“How do you know me?” Katherine began to ask but just as before he hushed her and she felt compelled to do as he said.
“I have searched for you Katherine. And I will continue to save you from whatever it may be. But for now I regret I must leave you for another matter must be attended.” His eyes looked full of sorrow as he placed his hand lovingly to her pale cheek. His tanned skin was a greatly different to hers, much like everything else.
Her eyes were a dark, muddy brown and her pale skin was sprinkled with freckles. Brown curls fell elegantly to her tiny waist. Charles’ eyes were brilliant blue, his tan skin was unmarked. His blonde hair framed his baby face and his muscular frame over powered her own.
“I will come back for you” He whispered before brushing his full lips gently with hers. However, as the tingle and heat lingered deep inside Katherine’s heart, Charles had gone, leaving no trace he had ever been there and nothing but a kiss to promise his return.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there!
First of all, you have good plot here. I'm actually a bit intrigued to know the continuation. However, there are just some matters that I'm very confused with.
In the first paragraph, you're showing to your readers that Katherine's trapped. A conflict there is, but it would leave your readers to pause for a while and know her condition. So, it would actually cut the connection between the MC and the readers. And when you say "scratch", I imagine her fingers clawing on the door, which is kind of awkward to read. Why would she even scratch on it in the first place? Perhaps it has something to do with the door?
Try to be a bit more informative about the white dress. Maybe you could even say that she had or attended a wedding or something.
I think it's better if you had to italicize this one.
If you notice, I added a comma before the last double quote. Just remember to place a comma if you have a speech dialog.
The previous critiques have pretty covered up those common blunders already. So, I don't really have the much to say. Maybe just try to reread your story again so that you'll be aware of the fragments and awkward phrases in your piece. Speaking about the story plot, I'm a bit confused because there's some unexpected person in the story. Things that you should perhaps try to present more is the condition of your main characters and the unexpected appearance of Charles- it's a bit mysterious- but I won't really judge that much since I'm considering this as the first chapter.
And about the length of your story... Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this chapter should be really long, because if it is, then you might bore your readers even in just the first part. But maybe give a slight background as to why your MC is kind of trapped, because your confusing your readers. Make this a slight informative too.
I also want to clarify about your title. I'm not even sure if that's a title, but as a reader- you're letting them to expect something not good. No offense, but I don't think everyone would really care if this is your first post. Let the title stand its own. So you need to change it.
Overall, this story has potential. Just make this compelling and don't let your readers lose their tracks. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing.
Yuri
Hello there.
I think it sounds better that way.
This seems like a pretty interesting plot, and I must add that it looks a lot like the novel I wrote. Actually, the MC name is Catherine, and her description is pretty close to yours. Coincidences are pretty cool.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Thankyou so much to both of you. I'll be sure to bear in mind your points and I've found them very constructive
Hello Andysgirl
I'm Truth and I'll review your post tonight.
First off with the nitpicks
I'm not sure that's how you meant it but it's more specific that way.
Again, a bit confusing, try keeping your sentences structured
Here she technically finished her question... so there's no need to say 'she began to ask', unless you change it so she gets cut off.
This description here is, for me, not well placed. It seems like you are forcing information on us. Try mentioning things as they go.
Overall, I think that has a lot of potential. It's a good start of a story and you are revealing just enough to keep us interested. There's a lot if answers to be uncovered about Charles and Katherine.. who are they? What happened to Katherine? Great job on keeping the suspense
-Truth-