Young Writers Society

mya see, ya go talent kid.

There are some punctuation problems but nothing a second or third read through can't fix.

keep it up and write more.

Hello Andrew! I see you're new to YWS and I welcome you!

*high fives*

Since you're new, you might want to know something. Because of YWS's weird way of not letting you indent, you might want to edit your post and put gaps between your paragraphs. Just makes it easier to read and critique.

Now, on to the story.

Very cool. I liked the names thing. It was very interesting. I'll be looking forward to chapter 1.

Okay, now, you have a couple typos and such, and some grammar stuff that needs fixin' so let's get started!

(Things that need fixin in blue)-------

The darkness around him was all encompassing and smothering; with every breath Jack took, he could feel its mass weighing down (on?) his lungs, crawling atop his skin, smothering him.

The figure that emerged from the darkness was massive, a giant! Ending this sentence with an exclamation point should add emphasis, right? Actually, though, it sort of takes away from it. Strike out the exclamation point. The figure of a man walked out of the expanse of nothing (get rid of "and" and the second "walk" since we already know he's walking) towards Jack, towering over him. His features were shrouded in the dark, but looking into his face Jack was left with the strangest and scariest (Scary is used waaay too often. Try a different adjective.) feeling he had ever experienced.

After a moment's scrutiny, the man chose to fall back, sitting down with a thud on a rock that had appeared out of nowhere. Jack had meant to ask how he had done that, but found no words that he could speak aloud. (<-- This bit needs some reworking)

So too did it seem for a moment that the dark man could not speak either. He opened his mouth, but nothing happened. He seemed to be having trouble with his throat, trying and failing to draw breath through it as though it were blocked. Finally, he spat up, a glob of fresh earth from his mouth and fell into the nothing.(This is kind of weirdly worded. You might try something like "he spat up a glob of fresh earth from his mouth, and it fell into the nothing.") It was then that Jack noticed the mud that covered the mans body; he wore a black trench coat that was caked to his skin with a layer of the thick, wet (no comma here) earth.

“Y-y-yesss,” he spoke. His voice was long unused, and it had an earthy quality that carried great strength (get rid off the added "it" here).

“Yes,” he repeated, now with more confidence in his own voice. “I remember you, I remember very well,” he told Jack. There was some mirth in his voice.
“You had so many names for yourself (omit the comma) once upon a time, didn’t you?” he laughed.
“Wotan, WayWeary, Wand Bearer, Rider, Lord of Hosts, AllFather.” The dark man counted on his hands as he spoke.

What was he talking about, Jack tried to ask but still could not speak, could not move, could barely think. <---(Needs reworking) With each breath, he felt the darkness tightening around his chest, binding him like a snake.

The dark man looked up, eyeing him suspiciously, and then laughed harder than before.

“Oh my, Spear Shaker, it seems you’ve just about given the Lie-Smith himself a run for his money in your Slyness. You’ve tricked even yourself, haven’t you? You don’t even know who you are?” he said with a laugh (You've used laugh a lot. Try maybe "chuckle" instead). Jack watched the man laughing, still unable to move, every breath feeling like his last as it escaped his body. Without looking up, the dark man spoke.

“Shem I think "--" here instead of a comma that is my name, or it is that by which I am called,” he said with a wave of his hand. Instantly the bonds of the darkness released themselves and Jack fell to the ground, gasping for breath. He looked up at the man and found he could speak.

“How…?” he tried to say, but was still short of breath.

“There’s a great deal of power in names, just like there is in secrets, Hooded One,” he told Jack as he stood up from his rock. His voice had changed; the laughter had left him.

“As I said,” he continued, turning his back to Jack who started to get up,
“I remember you well, and am not fooled. In that body you are still the Terrible One, still the Father of the Slain, just as before, men will die for you, for your own means. And just as before, I’ll see you hang on the tree before the end of it all. Don’t forget that,” Shem said as he walked away (no comma here) into the darkness before Jack could call after him.

“Wait!” Jack shouted into the darkness. “Who am I? Who’s going to die?” he called out fruitlessly. With Shem gone, the power of his name (and there is much power in that name) began to wear, and the darkness began to creep up on Jack again.
“Get away!” he screamed at it, but it would not listen.

“Shem!” he tried calling out, but it (the two "its" are kind of weird together. Try "his words" or something similar) did not hinder it.

Words began to fail him, and he ran for it, but there was nowhere to run to.

Before he could think he was trapped again in the thick nothingness.

“No no no!” he shouted out as it covered him. A sharp buzz began to sound in his ear.

He blinked, and it swallowed him.

---

Oooh, creepy end! Nice work. Some punctuation problems, but the story was solid. Hope to see more from you, Andrew!

Much Love,

Haley