Foolish Catullus, stop playing the fool
Give up as lost what was to you so cruel.
For truly bright suns once shone upon you
And you went where'er the girl led you to,
She who was loved like no other will be.
From such desires neither of you did flee,
When all were happy in various ways
Once upon a time in happier days.
She does not want you now: you can't deny;
You can't catch the sun; nor keep asking "Why?"
But harden your heart, be firm and endure
Goodbye, cruel girl, now Catullus is sure:
He will not look for you against your will
And you'll lament when you're unlooked for still.
Ah, cruel girl! What life is there for you now?
Who'll go to you and not think you a cow?
Whom will you now love and be said to be?
Whom will you kiss and bite whose lips in glee?
All the while, you will never be with me.
*For those who are interested, here's the original:
Miser Catulle, dÄsinÄs ineptÄ«re,
et quod vidÄs perÄ«sse perditum dÅ«cÄs.
FulsÄre quondam candidÄ« tibÄ« sÅlÄs,
cum ventitÄbÄs quÅ puella ducÄbat
amÄta nÅbÄ«s quantum amÄbitur nÅ«lla.
Ibi illa multa cum iocosa fiebant,
quae tū volebas nec puella nolebat,
fulsÄre vÄrÄ candidÄ« tibÄ« sÅlÄs.
Nunc iam illa nÅn vult: tu quoque impotÄns nÅlÄ«,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser vīve,
sed obstinÄtÄ mente perfer, obdÅ«rÄ.
ValÄ puella. Iam Catullus obdÅ«rat,
nec tÄ requÄ«ret nec rogÄbit invÄ«tam.
At tÅ« dolebis, cum rogÄberis nÅ«lla.
Scelesta, vae tÄ! quae tibÄ« manet vÄ«ta?
Quis nunc tÄ adÄ«bit? Cui vidÄberis bella?
Quem nunc amÄbis? Cuius esse dÄ«cÄris?
Quem bÄsiÄbis? Cui labella mordÄbis?
At tÅ«, Catulle, dÄstinÄtus obdÅ«rÄ.
ALLITERATION HO!
*cough*
If you can, I'd try to switch that first word with a synonym (since I see you're rhyming fool with cruel.) On that note--does the original rhyme? The first half doesn't seem to, but then the last half starts matching up word ending more closely.
I can see why you're write this line the way you did, but grammatically, it doesn't make much sense. You've already established the "whom" at the beginning of the sentence, so the the "whose" is redundant. I do see that its inclusion helps the flow and rhyme scheme, so I don't know what to recommend. Perhaps you could modify lips? Annnnd now I'm seeing that doing so might stray from the translation a bit. (I took several years of Latin, but I'm not fluent by any means.)
I commend you for translating this at all, I know how difficult that can be. (In theory--I've never done it myself, but I've listened to song translation before, and I know a bit about languages and poetry.) A more literal translation would feel better (if you're like me), but I think with poetry you have to take a bit of artistic license. Up to you.
All in all, good job! I wish I could do things like this. *should study more languages*
Um I will only review the translation since know only English.....
Good job with the translation...I may know nothing about the original piece but translating someething is always a hard work.
I liked the poem very much..it is so much realistic and it also has that ancient touch to it must say its a very bold and nice poem...
Good thing that he realised that the girl is a nuissance if I say so.
Also I think you should make anotherr version of it..which would be better punctuated..nicely divided into stanzas and also with more description..
Since its a translation I will not say anything about it being good or bad.....thats all. Keep writing!