A poem written in a minute

Hallo. A very short, flash review here for you today!

This certainly is a good poem, despite the fact that it was written in a minute. The rhyme scheme is nice and gentle and the metre gives it a wonderful flow. I especially like the little quirk of eleven syllables on the last line instead of ten.

Though, reminding me does add a slight touch of awkwardness to that final line. I recommend changing it to "to remind me". I feel that that would make the flow just about perfect.

The content itself is sweet even though it talks of what I assume to be lost love. Though, I do find it interesting that the room doesn't have any locks on it. That makes me think that the speaker is either very strong willed, or sometimes let the pain and memories run rampant inside.

Overall, this was an excellent polished poem. I commend you for writing it in under a minute. I also give you kudos for the quality. So as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*

Hello there! Okay so this is a fun experiment, but may I ask if that minute included editing the poem or if this is the raw draft? I’m guessing the latter, which is fine, but I do hope you’re going to spend longer than that fixing this up! Quick writes are good for getting the idea down but a rushed poem is rarely a good one straight away. It might develop into one after you’ve reformed the ideas a few times, but then it’s no longer rushed

Specifics

1.Line one is good! It’s to the point, direct and it tell us a lot we need to know. There’s someone who is no longer in her life, most likely dead, and this poem will be about them. However! At the moment we can’t tell from the tone how the persona feels about this. That’s not always essential but you have a word here ‘stored’ which isn’t doing much. If you changed that to ‘sealed’ it would add emotion to the poem. Or ‘preserved’ or ‘folded’ (which suggests care has been taken with this memory) or ‘crammed’ (which could go a few ways). Have a think about what you want the line to say and then consider changing that word!

2.Locks and box is too obvious a rhyme. Make sure that gets changed in the next draft.

Overall

You wrote this in a minute and it shows! But that said, you’ve got a strong idea and I don’t see why this couldn’t be transformed into a really good poem. It’s fun to see how quickly we can write something but let’s make sure we edit and develop the final result, okay?

I hope that helps!

Heather xxx

Hey Andrew,

Zephion here with a review for you!

I'd like to star by saying that I envy you. I lack the ability to write poetry and the power to convey such a cool little idea in a mere four lines, so kudos for that. The only thing that I might change is removing the word any from the second line, I think that would improve the flow, but that might just be me. Well, I can't think of much more to nitpick on. Once again, this is an awesome poem and I am impressed with what you managed to do in so few words. Thanks for sharing this and keep writing!

Zephion

Andrew,

C: I see that you're new to YWS, and for that I want to welcome you. If you ever need a piece of poetry looked at, I'm your gal. So, I hope you enjoy it here, and let's get this preamble out of the way and dive right into this piece, shall we?

Title-choice

While I appreciate the boldness of the title, as it got me to peek and take a look, I don't really like the title for this poem.

Let me explain, the title gets me hooked, I'll give you that. I especially like the "m&ns" consonants repeating there. But after reading the poem, I'm only left disappointed. It ends up sounding more like an excuse or disclaimer, or an apology to the reader more than anything substantial. Don't apologize!

Titles are so important in poetry, not only to stand out/be distinctive and get people to read your poem, but it can essentially be a part of the poem as well. A good title is like an extension of the poem itself, it's like a limb to the poem, where you might get the kicking-off or jumping off point, or it can even act like a head or brain, where the title provides a clue to the meaning or inner workings of the poem. My main complaint here is that your title is very disconnected from the piece, you might as well call it "untitled" and it would've left the same effect. It's as if you're saying "ignore the title, or ignore the shortness of this poem" and that's not what I want at all. Short poems can have meat and soul too, and brevity should never be pointed out to the reader.

Plus, It's typically bad form if you point out how long it takes for you to write something. I don't ever say "well it took me 12 days to write this poem" as a line in my poem :/ or "well it took me 45 minutes to type up this review" that's just bad form.


Content

But let's talk content. Technical-wise, this is very polished for a first piece. I appreciate the box/locks rhyme and the minimalism in this. I like the concept of the free memory. The door that is barring it and giving the speaker pain makes me associate relationship/breakups. While I can appreciate the concept, it really doesn't do much for me. Part of that is that your metaphors are used and dried up. The whole heart/memory in a box thing and the locks and the key and all that jargon is so cliche, and this doesn't really do anything new or distinct. The words don't really evoke anything. At the end of the day, we're talking about pain, memory, hidden rooms/door that's all generalities. Poetry is a specific form. It's about precision and choosing the right words.

Overall, a very good and polished first attempt. My suggestion for future stuff would be to try to work in some imagery/sensory language stuff, go for the specific/precise stuff, because that's what's going to set your work from the millions that are out there. And also, listen. Listen to reviews, even if you don't agree with them, really try to put yourself in the reader's shoes and see where they are coming from, because you as the author, you're the biased one. You see so much behind the scenes, so much of the work and process, and the ideas, and decisions and choices, and emotion and color that comes from your head, whereas all we're going to get is what's on the page.

We're not trying to be mean, we're trying to improve what's on the page so that you may work at it and give us something closer to what's in your head. Let me know if you have any questions or wish to chat this up. Best of luck with your writing endeavors.

~ as always, Audy

This is actually rather good for being written in a minute. In fact, it would still be rather good if had been written in a more substantial amount of time. I am wondering, though, why does the room not have locks? Wouldn't you want to deadbolt that door? Or are you leaving it so that you can return to the memory sometimes, however painful it may be? Although, I suppose you don't really have time to consider such things, especially in such a finite period. Great job!

Howdy do Andrew! haha that rhymes :3 anywho dogs here with your review today! Ok so to get started I think you're off to an excellent start here, I like the idea of a poem except there is a huge underlining issue that this is just simply far too short to be effective or captivating.

Yes there are incredibly short poems that are famous, but thats because that in their short poems these writers are able to make a hidden story and an arch in just a few words. Unfortunatly this poem really doesn't do that for me, so what you need here is to expand upon this idea, Create more imagery, what does the box look like? What do the memories look like? Why does the room have no locks? does the room have any doors? These are things that you really need expand upon. What does the room even look like? Also is the door bolted shut? Because if there is a door there and no locks then we can assume that the door might swing upon yada yada. Ya get the point.

So basically great starting point and nothing to bad to say about what you've written, but you need to go farther into this idea. You need to expand a little bit. What you've written is too simple and bland. You have so much potential in this poem! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh