z

Young Writers Society



true colors of a girl in black.

by AndNeverAgainx3


is the intro intriguing?

oh, and for all of you guys, this is a novel that will probably appeal to girls. sorry!

Introduction to My Life

Once upon a time, there was a perfect princess, more beautiful than Rapunzel and Snow White, and wittier than either of those airheads put together. She had a flawless appearance, with her glossy mane of gleaming dark brown hair frosted with natural blonde streaks, enchanting wide amber-colored eyes and thick and dark eyelashes, and smooth rose-tinted skin. Guess how many handsome princes called every night, tying up the phone line so her little sister couldn’t use the phone? She had perfect grades, a very exclusive clique of friends, adoration and affection for and from everything and everyone surrounding her, and great personality consisting of flexibility, cleverness, kindness, responsibility, intelligence, and every other redeeming quality you could think of. Of course, that’s more her adoring mother’s description than mine. I’d call her brown-nosing, nastily preppy, spell-casting brat, but no one ever asked me. I swear that girl read the dictionary every night before she went to bed. And I swear that’s completely the opposite of what her idiotic bimbos of friends did. But they must have had charm, either that or magical powers, because everyone loved them. I know the princess at the least had charm, in addition to anything else you could ever want. I said you. That was completely the opposite of what I wanted, completely the opposite of who I was, what my life story was.

That princess was not I. She’s my sister. Well, I thought I might have been adopted. How else could I be related to perfection when I was the furthest from it? That would explain why Madre always preferred her. I didn’t belong in a fairy tale as much as I did in a horror movie, since everyone thought I was so terrible and horrifying, satanic and dark. Screw all of that light fairy music that played whenever that stupid princess entered the room, and add in some emo. Take away all of that inner and outer beauty and replace it with darkness and ugliness. Subtract all of those boyfriends and girl friends, and get a final product of social isolation and complete loneliness. Not that I could ever do math-so replace all of that intelligence and intellect with idiocy. Add an “un” to the beginning of redeeming qualities. The sum? Me. Micaela Melody Rosano-my life story

As told by my mother, that is. Her kingdom was Italy. We lived in America, but it was always “Italy, Italy, Italy”, eating the food, wearing the garb-I wish she would go to Italy and leave me behind. But no. Instead, she stayed in Waterstown, with me, “fulfilling her duties as a mamma”. But to me, if that were fulfilling her duty as a mother, than not fulfilling them would be being kind and compassionate.

I hated my life.


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72 Reviews


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Sat May 19, 2007 5:38 pm
AndNeverAgainx3 says...



thanks for the critique!
i am hoping to read more of conscience, too =]]
yes, the personality consisting of thing did sound awkward. i was already editing that out =] the chapters i post here are the unedited versions since my best friends and i are currently working on the corrections on paper.
i wasn't sure whether or not that one line was confusing. guess it is, though. i will change it. thank you!!!




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Sat May 19, 2007 5:28 pm
sokool15 wrote a review...



and great personality consisting of flexibility, cleverness, kindness, responsibility, intelligence, and every other redeeming quality you could think of.


A great personality consisting of...that seems a little strange to me. Maybe you could say: "And a great personality: she was flexible, clever, kind, responsible" or somethign like that. 'consisting of' just doesn't seem right. Also, saying 'every other redeeming quality you could think of' makes it seem like you couldn't think of any more, so you want the reader to fill it in. I would just take that out...it's not necessary.

I know the princess at the least had charm, in addition to anything else you could ever want. I said you.


This is slightly confusing...I had to read it a couple of times before I understood what you were saying. Perhaps twisting the punctuation around, or italicizing some of the words for emphasis might help.

I really liked this intro. It was intriguing, and I think I'll go read chapters one and two now!

*thanks for critiquing my introduction to 'Conscience,' by the way! I haven't had time to continue it, but I'm hoping to soon.

Yours I remain, 8)




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Thu May 17, 2007 9:21 pm
AndNeverAgainx3 says...



ohh i see.
go check out that chapter i posted if you have the chance =] i want some critiques before i continue on with the cheesiness.
i changed the name to hummina.
XD




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Thu May 17, 2007 9:19 pm
Royboy says...



.... shut up. you're making me feel like a retard. The emo/screamo thing is different, though. On the paper it says emo and you crossed it out to write screamo. You crossed out the hilights thing too... and the personality thing. I'm only putting up what you wrote down.




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Thu May 17, 2007 9:11 pm
AndNeverAgainx3 says...



roya, i only gave you 55 pages...
XD
and yeah i already changed the highlights thing and the emo/screamo thing on the paper. did you see?




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Thu May 17, 2007 9:07 pm
Royboy wrote a review...



I'm halfway through your two hundred pages of writing and I've only had it for two days! I'm proud of myself because I've actually been doing other stuff like reading the Prince and the Pauper and I've .... partially been paying attention in class. lol. Mkay well for the introduction, I'm just going to transfer what I wrote on the paper to here! I'll put in all of the things that you've done on this sheet in red, if you still want the corrections. Anything I'm suggesting will be blue, oki?

She had a flawless appearance, with her glossy mane of gleaming dark brown hair [s]frosted with natural blonde streaks[/s], enchanting wide amber-colored eyes and thick and dark eyelashes, and smooth rose-tinted skin.


She had perfect grades, a very exclusive clique of friends, adoration and affection for and from everything and everyone surrounding her, and great [s]personality[/s] (qualities) consisting of flexibility, cleverness, kindness, responsibility, intelligence, and every other redeeming quality you could think of.


Of course, that’s more her adoring mother’s description than mine.
I think you could go for a seperate paragraph starting with this sentence. It's switching over from her mother's view of Alessa to her view of her sister.

I swear that girl read the dictionary every night before she went to bed. And I swear that’s completely the opposite of what her idiotic bimbos of friends did.

For this little part here, I thought that it was repetative for you to say I swear twice. Also, you start quite a few sentences with conjunctions. Throughout the pages you gave me, close to half of all the edits I made were for you to take out a conjunction. lol

[s]But[/s] they must have had charm, either that or magical powers, because everyone loved them.
This is another conjunction starting a sentence, which actually could be attatched to the sentence before it, if you want. *see the previous quote*

Screw all of that light fairy music that played whenever that stupid princess entered the room, and add in some [s]emo[/s] (screamo).


Of course, you know I loved it, how could I not have? I liked that note at the beginning about it appealing to girls. Haha, I saw the comment you got when you posted in NaNoWriMo. Nice. By the way, 100 pages in 2 days is a compliment. It means I'm addicted. lol. I'll have it back to you any day now! Then I can go read the next chapter! Don't rush, okay? I know you want to, but you have to take your time so it'll end up as good as all of this is right now.





“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables