Published December 21, 2007
It's been so long since I've posted anything! Hey guys! I'll be doing lots of critiques over winter break, so watch out for me! I was frustrated today, so i decided to whip up something related to my source of anger that I'm sure everyone will be able to relate to. I put it in other fiction, but if it doesn't belong, feel free to move it! <3 you all, and sorry for my looooong absence!
But eventually I’ll realize that you were never really that witty, sensitive, put-together person that I built you up to be, just a selfish, self-important, egotistical individual who, even with glasses, couldn’t see what was right in front of him. And then, all words and thoughts of criticism, scrutiny, over-analysis will, though it may seem impossible to you, me, and everyone watching from the sidelines, fade to be replaced by thankfulness. No, not because you taught me anything about love, rejection, or self-appreciation. Because, hey, don’t get ahead of yourself like you always seem to, you didn’t. But because it’s people like you, and the situations that people like you create, that trigger people like me to prove themselves—and in doing so, get somewhere, become something. Your hate, oversight, and ignorance are the fuel that gets me running. One day, when I’m standing onstage, after delivering that thrashing, crowd-pleasing performance that I’ll be known for, or accepting an award for my best-selling book or Pulitzer-prize winning articles, I’ll be administering thanks to my supporters, and your name will come to mind. I’ll forget the names of my family, friends, and role models, and I’ll bellow the names of you and everyone like you. After all, where would I, and where will I, be without your rejection? Stuck with you--nowhere.
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To be short and simple, i like it. It's well phrased. It's relatable, but its still unique (I personally, i have never read anything with quite the same message).
I would suggest cutting back on the lists though.
..."love, rejection, self-appreciation."
..."selfish, self-important, egotistical."
..."hate, oversight, ignorance."
..."family, friends, role models."
okay, so hopefully, you get my point. Maybe you could change diction? Right now, it sort of stops the flow when you pause and list things, be it adjective or noun. I do think everything you say makes sense, and i don't necessarily think it all needs to be cut. Just consider revising the word order.
I defintely think there is a longer, more developed plot in there! Keep writing and good job!
yes, it wasn't really much of a story, more like a personal rant transformed into a fictitious work. maybe i'll shape it up a bit and give it a storyline.
This is a pretty nice little piece of fiction!
)
Of course, it was too short to really critique in full, but here are my thoughts:
The writing style is very nice, but I think that the whole thing is a bit rushed. Elaborate more ... (that will also make it longer
Oh, and nix the 'But' in the first sentence... I'm not partial to starting something with 'But'.
Overall, very nice. I'll be watching out for more of your work.
~Azila~