What does it matter
If the sun doesn’t shine
What does it matter
If all is not fine
Does it make a difference
Does anybody care
What does it matter
If everything’s unfair
What does it matter
If the day’s long gone
What does it matter
If the night’s so forlorn
Will it be terrible
If sleep doesn’t come
Will my heart stop beating
If I’m all alone
What does it matter
If thing’s look so bleak
What does it matter
If there’s nothing to seek
There’s always a new avenue
Always a hopeful view
What does it matter
For there will always be You
A poem dedicated to my God
by Capt(Retd) S A Anchees
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I think that you should try to find a word that rhyms better with gone. Forlorn doesnt rhym at all really. And if you cant find something to rhym it with, you should either change the whole sentence or change all the other sentences to make it a non-rhyming poem!
Hi there! I'm back. I'll try to explain the choices for grammar I'm suggesting as I go along...
Capitalising the first letter of every line is quite archaic and doesn't suit modern poetry so I'd suggest only placing a capital after a fullstop. I'd suggest the question marks for the end of each question as you would in prose. However, you want to avoid having too many so occasionally you can use a comma instead if a similar question comes on the next line. I'd suggest the dash because it avoids another question mark and helps your flow a little, it links the last four lines so that your poem doesn't appear to be made up of two line refrains. Also, it turns that last line into more of a statement. There's the questioning feel to it but I'd suggest that it has more impact if it's stylised as a statement rather than a question.
In essays, contractions should be avoided at all costs because it is has more power than it's. The same goes for poetry. Unless you need the contraction to add a colloquial tone or to fit the rhythm, use it is. Or day is in this case. However, the extra 'so' on the fourth line means that night is would sound out of beat. Possibly 'the night sits forlorn' would be smoother.
There should be no apostrophe on things because apostrophes are only used in cases of where something belongs to the thing (it was thing's handbag) or when you're shortening is, for example it is to it's. Good capitalisation of you.
I hope this helps, if you've any questions ask away
Heather xx
Hey there! This is a very sweet poem you have here, it's nicely written and it flows very smoothly. I think you've done a good job. I'd perhaps like to see you be a little less vague in places though as poetry's about evoking thoughts and images in your reader.
Have you ever read 'If'? It's by Rudyard Kipling and might give you some ideas. It's written in a similar style to yours except each possibility is more detailed, for example, 'If you can make one heap of all your winnings/ And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,/ And lose, and start again at your beginnings/ And never breathe a word about your loss;/' This has a greater impact than were he to have written 'If you can lose everything/ but say nothing' because there's more substance to it.
You should fix your grammar too though I won't point all that out unless you want help with it in which case feel free to pm me.
I hope this helps a little. Thanks for the read!
Heather xx
At first I thought this poem was about giving up and losing hope, but as it continued I thought it was more abou having hope despite things going wrong, because it doesn't last forever and things will always turn out okay in the end, which is quite uplifting. I like the way it changes to uplifting because it didn't sound very happy in the beginning, and then the realisation came, I think. I liked the ending, I think that finished it off nicely. The only thing I don't really like is the way you indented the second stanza, it looks a bit strange. Some punctuation might also help tidy the poem up a bit. Quite sweet and simple, though. I liked it.
This poem would be okay with me if it were dedicated to a girl, but you dedicated it to god... A being with the aleged power to change these things. A lot of you lines don't belong because of the dedication, like the heart stops beating line. Also the flow was messy. Keep the syllable count constant