Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.
Chapter 1
Somewhere in the forest of MyrkyrSeta
As she paused to catch her breath, she looked back but saw nothing. Nothing but the dark shadows of the forest and glimmers of moonlight peeking through the dense canopy. She strained her neck, trying to hear any sign of her pursuers, but all she could hear was her own heart beating furiously. How could she still be alive? She didn't know.
What she did know was that she had to keep going. It was unlikely that they would give up and let her go. After what she had witnessed and overheard, she knew they wouldn't be merciful. If they found her, she would be dead, or worse. She had to get back and tell the Regent what she had seen, or else the entire world would be lost to darkness.
Her whole life, she had lived for her own survival. That's what a contracted informant had to do to stay alive. But for the first time in her life, she cared more about the world she lived in and wanted to be damned sure it continued on. She never thought that this moment would come, when something was more important than herself, more than anything. She had to live, not just for herself, but for everyone. She had to get back, she had to survive, even if it killed her. She had to get her message to the Regent.
A loud screech came from the deep forest, causing her to whip her head back and forth, searching for the source of the sound. Every shadow seemed to move, and it felt like the forest had dark eyes everywhere. It felt like the forest itself was staring back at her. A cold swept across her skin and into her bones. It was the kind of coldness only death could deliver, even on one of the hottest days of the year.
Get moving. You can't afford to rest or catch your breath. MOVE, she commanded herself.
Her legs followed her orders and she ran. She could barely see the ground, and at this pace, every step was a risk of falling and injuring herself, but she had no choice. After a few running strides, she heard something hunting her, and it was getting closer. It was fast, faster than her.
The creature's run didn't sound like anything she had ever heard before. Where other creatures' feet would meet the ground, this one sounded like a synth moving back and forth rapidly cutting the grain for harvest - shwoo, shwoo... shwoo, SHWOO... SHWOO, SHWOO.
She dared not turn her head. She feared a glance back would slow her pace or reveal the horror that was gaining on her. She had witnessed many creatures at the gathering. Some were gruesome, and some she imagined would give her nightmares for years to come.
Finally, ahead, she saw the opening to the forest she was looking for. Before any job, she made sure to do reconnaissance surveillance of the surrounding areas. She had chosen to run in this direction because just after the clearing was the Langur River. It would be the fastest way to get her back to Glitra Sál, back to the Regent. However, every escape route had downfalls and this route had a literal downfall - a 40-foot cliffside, in fact.
You can do this. You can make it to the cliff edge. Just a little more.
She felt a brush at the back of her neck. Whatever was chasing her was just a hair away from being able to grab her. The sounds of the creature became so loud she knew she had only seconds before...
FASTER!
Her legs pushed the ground harder, her strides longer, and her breaths deeper. The clearing was just within reach.
You did it! Just a few more steps to the cliff’s edge and…
She tumbled to the ground.
Pain shot through her body as she hit the ground hard. She could feel her skin tearing and her bones cracking. She tried to get up, but her body wouldn't respond. She couldn't move.
She turned her head to see what had tripped her. It was a root. A small, insignificant root that had brought her down. She couldn't help but laugh bitterly. She had faced the horrors of the forest, survived the chase of an unknown creature, and made it to the edge of the cliff only to be stopped by a root.
She tried to get up again, but the pain was too much. She knew she was injured badly, perhaps fatally. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew what she had to do. She only had moments left and in that time she had to get her message to the Regent, no matter what.
With all her strength, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the message. She looked at it for a moment, taking in the gravity of its contents. She knew that if the Regent didn't receive this message, everything would end.
With a final effort, she raised her arm and struggled to whisper the spell, "at flúgva høgt og skjótt til Regent" and threw the message over the cliff. She watched as it sailed through the air and disappeared into the darkness.
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh of relief. She had done what she had set out to do. She had all she could do. She had sacrificed herself for the greater good. A huge pain shot from her leg as she began to be dragged back into the black forest - and probably from that damned creature that won the chase. She realized this was her final moment. As darkness enveloped her, she hoped her last act in this world would be enough.
Chapter 2 coming soon.
PS. I'm a little new to the site so I'm learning the ropes on how to post, review, etc. I wasn't sure why that last dialogue became blue, but I couldn't seem to fix it without taking out the accent marks, etc. So, forgive that part of this first chapter. :)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! Foxmaster here for a review!
First of all, I really liked this. I like how you don't actually give the name of the mysterious main character in this, it makes it, well, myserious!
With the monster chasing her, also creative! But I feel like I found an error-
With a final effort, she raised her arm and struggled to whisper the spell, With a final effort, she raised her arm and struggled to whisper the spell, "at flúgva høgt og skjótt til Regent" and threw the message over the cliff. She watched as it sailed through the air and disappeared into the darkness. I personally think you can change that to:
With a final effort, she raised her arm and stuggled to whisper the spell.
With a final effort, she raised her arm and struggled to whisper the spell, "at flúgva høgt og skjótt til Regent" and threw the message over the cliff. She watched as it sailed through the air and disappeared into the darkness.
But that is all and I can't wait to continue this! Also, could you please review some of my work? Thanks!
Keep up the good work
-Foxmaster
(P.S: I also have trouble finding good titles for my work.)
This story opens at a great spot. I feel like it's immediately easy to get drawn into the world, mostly because you're writing is really good at expressing the protagonist's sense of fear and urgency. At this point, we don't know much about the fantasy world, but between the nameless scary monster and an important message sent to 'Regnet,' I'm certainly interested in finding out more. I'm also curious if the nameless protagonist in this chapter will be important later, or if they're truly just dead.
All in all, this was a really enjoyable read. I hope you continue working on this project!
Also, I know coming up with titles and names can be one of the hardest parts of writing, so good luck picking an official title for this chapter.
Thank you.
Titles are the hardest for me.
Hello! Welcome to the Young Writers Society! If you have questions about anything at all, please feel free to reach out!
This story starts at a breakneck pace. Right away, the stakes are through the roof. The whole world is depending on her! I like that we don't exactly know what she saw or heard at this gathering of monsters, because it provides the reader with some intrigue, and will keep them hooked on what happens next.
However, I think my favorite thing about this first chapter is how it slowly builds to this tragedy; this character is clearly extremely competent, so watching her fall to something as small as a root really struck a chord with me as a reader. It's difficult to incur sympathy for a character in such a brief amount of time, so kudos to you for doing just that!
Just a minor nitpick! I did feel that there was a lot of telling vs showing for a chase sequence. I know this advice is done to death, so I'll make this super brief!
In an action scene such as this, exposition can sometimes bog down the reading experience. It can take an extremely intense, fast paced segment, and yank the reader right out of the story. Consider here-
While this provides some interesting insight, I would advise against it. Your reader may no longer be frightened by the monster after this character because they are busy chewing on this new information, and that will slow down their reading experience.
Not only that, but longer sentences also have an impact on your pacing. Shorter sentences tend to be associated with faster pacing, and longer sentences tend to be associated with slower pacing. (Keep in mind, that's not always the case. As with all forms of writing, there are exceptions!)
(This isn't a critique, but I was curious why she didn't use the spell earlier to deliver the message? Does it take a certain amount of energy that she didn't have, or did she not consider it before?)
However, as a whole, this was a killer introduction to the rest of your story! I hope to read more from this world soon. If you'd like, feel free to let me know whenever the next chapter is posted! I'd love to check it out!
With all that said, keep on writing, and have a fantastic day!
Thank you so much!
All wonderful feedback and I also was thinking of cutting out the message spell entirely to add more drama. Thanks for the clarity.
You've helped me understand more the flow a reader can have. I really appreciate your feedback.
Cheers!