Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Alaric
And then we met.
I buried my brothers body as guilt filled my heart. Dropping the shovel as I stare at my work, a cross made out of sticks with his name in the dirt he's covered with. My hands still drip with his blood, but it was starting to crust out.
"well, this is it. Nice being with ya." I said grimly as I I turn my body away from the grave, lingering my gaze on the dirt where he lies, remembering all the better times, as I slowly turn my head away. In my line of work, you can't get attached. Even to my family.
A loud scream comes from deep in the forest, where the abandoned building was.
"Another one? how many can one man send" I grumbled, looking away completely from the burial now, I have more important things to attend too anyways. I start jogging silently back to the building, I could hear wet slams against one of the structures walls get louder as I start going faster.
Too my surprise when I turn the corner, instead of a strong old man as usual, I see a boy around my age, maybe slightly younger slamming his head into the wall, he has brown hair, it is short but unkept and growing out, he has a cardigan on with some baggy jeans and sneakers.
I pause before I start marching over, slightly out of breath. Before he could hit his own head again, I grab his forehead and shove him back.
"what.. The.. FUCK.. are you doing"
I watch as he falls down on his ass like an idiot, I roll my eyes.
"Who are you?? Who sent you" I kneeled down to him grabbing his chin and bringing him back up, but before I could say anything else he just blindly screams his heart out, I got startled and let go. He struggles backwards like a worm on concrete. I look closer what he's looking at.. he's looking at the blood on my hands? has he never seen-
then it hit me. harder then that pole my brother hit me with.
he's not sent by anyone.
"hey man calm down.. Look you're fine calm down" I take a step forward just for him to backup.
I need to get out of this without letting him rat me out, just fucking great. I kneel down and take a cloth from inside my pants
"Hold still.." He flinches as I dap the cloth on his forehead, wiping the blood away before wrapping it around his forehead.
"See you're fine, I had.. an accident at work, don't worry, you calm now?" I plaster the most fake smile on my face to keep his nerves calm. Good, he seems to be taking the bait.
"What were you doing there? you good?" I take his arm and 'help' him up, it was more of a forceful shove upwards with a smile. I need him away from the evidence, or else...
I shake my head, I can't let those memories get to me again, I start bringing him away from the building. 'Yes, yes stay calm..' I thought as I kept bringing him away. But he lets another half scream before clapping his hand on his mouth.
"what now-" I'm caught off as I looked up, I see a boy with greyish hair turn his face franticly over to us as that boy screamed. He had fresh blood on his face and.. pieces of flesh. I look down to see what he was doing to see a boy half buried. His back was split open with seemingly tire marks, his spine out in the open and ribs splitting out his sides.
What. The. Fuck.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
*reads summary* *screams* Ahhh it’s happening, let’s gooo!!
Hmmm but I am immediately lost on where exactly we are atm? A little time has passed since last we saw Alaric, considering the body’s in the ground already (and what happened to all Alaric’s injuries?) but how did he get here?
This makes it sound as if we are supposed to know what the abandoned building is: “where the abandoned building was” but I feel like this is the first time it’s been explicitly mentioned?
“I got startled and let go” lol, valid reaction!
Hmmmmmmm I think you might want to do a bit more work with describing each character’s reaction and especially their appearance. Just by what is said in this chapter, I’m not sure which of the other MCs this could be.
Also also, I thought the other characters were in a city and now everyone is in this forest? What is happening?? Explain yourself, dear author XD
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wow! finally they all meet, how intriguing... also what a fun little detail that both alaric and the other guy are burying someone in the woods. i really hope we get a POV from the grey-haired boy's perspective, i'm really curious about his story.
though, i do feel that the pacing would be better if you started off this chapter where you left off in chapter 2. i understand that alaric burying someone is hard to stuff into another part of the story so far, except for maybe at the end of chapter one. also this is pretty subjective, i'd say, but maybe something to consider?
also i'm really curious about alaric's job. he seems a bit young to be a seasoned hitman, so i'm guessing it has something to do with the debt to his brother in the first chapter. maybe something in narcotics? idk, but very intriguing indeed...
there are just a few critiques, and i'll take the liberty of selecting some pieces of text to pick apart just to make some examples.
'"well, this is it. Nice being with ya." I said grimly as I I turn my body away from the grave, lingering my gaze on the dirt where he lies, remembering all the better times, as I slowly turn my head away.'
firstly, following 'nice being with ya', there's a dialogue tag (i said). 'i said grimly as i' doesn't function on its own, so the . needs to be switched for a ,
secondly, the following sentence is really long. a comma isn't strong enough on its own to combine two independent clauses. it needs to be followed by a conjunction like 'for', 'but' 'and' or 'or'. even though this sentence contains mostly reduced or modified clauses, it can still get a bit muddy when you stack them on top of each other.
also, if you take out the middle bits, this sentence says: I said grimly as I turn my body away from the grave, as I slowly turn my head away.
one good way to trim this sentence would be to either break it up in two or trim the repetition of the action 'turn away'.
i'd argue that these rules aren't set in stone and can definitely bend slightly if the situation calls for it, but if you consider how many conjunctions your sentence calls for and they're starting to pile up, it might be worth it to consider shortening it in some way. (i know that sentence is suuuper long lolol the irony)
also, you have a tendency to switch tense in the text. if you follow the chain of verbs from the beginning of the text: buried, filled, Dropping, stare, drip, starting to, said, turn... and so on.
your writing would improve if you chose one tense and stuck with it.
to end on a positive note: this is a really captivating story, and i can't wait to see where you'll take it. i really don't have anything negative to say about your concept, just some small technical stuff. i'll be keeping an eye out for the next part! great work!
YES I LOVE WHEN YOU GIVE YOYR OPINION THANK YOU SO MUCH ILL WORK ON THOSE YAY