Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Colby
Beady Eyes.
Their eyes, I feel them. I swear it! and don't try to fucking call me crazy I swear I see them, they even give me headaches.. I swear it. Ever since I moved to that stupid school in this stupid town! I swear they're watching me...
"COLBY! What are you looking at I called your name 5 times!? Do you need another smack??"
My mom cried across the table, I look back down at my food, it seems cold now.
"i-im sorry I wasn't paying attention.."
"You kids are fucking useless!!" Her hands rattle the table as her manicured nails scrape at it like an animal on fucking cocaine.
I winced at the hard sound, my head pounding slightly harder at the loud sound, I adjusted my hearing aid "yes mother." I said coldly, I my love for this women left as fast as my dad, I know she's trying her best, but every time I try to talk about myself she always yells at me, its fucking hell.
I pick up my fork and chew at the cold food. which slows her nails, but she still grips at the table for a moment longer. Watching. I keep my face down, as images dance across the edges of my vision, and voices come across my ears, I turn off my hearing aid, I always have. I keep chewing the cold food in the cold room. After a long brutal 20 minutes or so, I stand to wash my plate, my mom's yelling falls on deaf ears, literally.
"im going for a walk."
I calmly said, stacking the dish on the rack harder than needed.
Before she could protest, I slip on my shoes and take my coat, leaving out the back.
After I moved to this town, I didn't see things nobody else did, before I moved to this town I didn't hear things nobody else did... those eyes, those beady black eyes staring at me through my door, not even blinking, was it even real?- CAW-CAW CAW
I startle backwards as a flock of crows above me scatter as a gut crunching scream comes from inside the deep dark forest. I froze, colour draining my face as the air felt colder then it was before.
My head pounds.
I know im a coward, I've always been, it's me or nothing, that's my motto. But that scream, something in my ears.. my eyes.. I felt pulled by it. the visions are back, I see figures hiding behind trees but when I turn my head they're gone.
Fuck no, fuck no-Fuck it!
My feet carried me as I ran through the woods, I felt scared, powerful yet.. so powerless, my cardigan slamming in the wind as I ran faster, jumping across the roots planted by the trees who just seem to get bigger and bigger... I look up at the trees while running and- THWUNK-PLUNK!
I fall forward, tripping on some stuck up root as I slam into something hard. my forehead drags across the structure as I heard my skin rub on the material. I felt the sticky bonds of blood curl up on my forehead. I look up to find.. a building? what? no I looked up on the map once I moved here this wasn't there before?
wake up Colby wake up. wake upẁ̶̧̙̥̦̞͎̖̤́͑̉͐͛̏̊̕͠ả̴̛͔̻̼̖̙͎̳̓̏̌͋͝͠k̴̡̮̖͉͉̥͚̟̪͙̐͆̓́̒͌̕͠͠ę̸̥̻͔̳͚̈́̿̃̍̑͛̈́ ̸̢͖͔̼̃u̶͙̯̟̘̪̯͔̍͒̓̋͘p̵̡̧̟̭̼̘̙̭̔̾̓̇́̅͒͋͝ ̸̨̨̮̮͍̝̦̻͚̈̒̌͊̄̊W̶̨͖̳͖̖͎̟̠̼̱̓̅͐̂́̂͒A̷̜͍͈͌͂̏K̷̠̙̙̗͖͚̓̓Ḙ̵̙̺̆̋̉̒̇ ̷̺̦́͒̃U̸̟̭̥̟̱͌̏̐̀̑́̂̍͠P̶̡̹̜̝̜̮̯̺̣͛̉́́͘͠͝ͅ
"AHG GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!" I slam my forehead harder on the hard bricks to a hard wet slump crack. I felt the blood oozing down into my eyes as I went faster. Thunk-thunk-thunk
harder and harder each strike I went to my head, I felt as if my forehead, my fucking skull would claps inwards, I could almost feel my slimy brain edging away as it gets peppered with little splinters of my skull each time I smack it in. I felt the blood pour into my eyes and falling out like tears, staining my yellowed white teeth as I smiled, my headache seemed to be leaving with the pain. but before I could do the last brutal hit I felt a hand on my head, making my body pause before it slammed me backwards.
"what.. The.. FUCK.. are you doing" I fell back on my ass. I looked up and paused, my vision was slightly blurry but I saw a boy, maybe around my age maybe older.. with.. blood everywhere on him, and it wasn't mine.
End of chapter
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Okay I might have told alex that I wanted to go to sleep but then I remembered that this is also still in the GR.
So I guess this means this is from Colby’s perspective (look at me, learning from last time)
I feel like from the way she speaks to Colby to this description: “ Her hands rattle the table as her manicured nails” I already know everything I need to know abt this character XD
A wild “I” found where it doesn’t belong: “I my love for this women left as fast as my dad,” that said, that is a neat way to phrase this.
(Utterly horrible it happened to this poor person but I can always appreciate pretty and/or succinct sentences!)
You might want to make sure you stay in the same tense, present or past 😊
And you also might want to take another look at this sentence because I have a hard time parsing it: “After I moved to this town, I didn't see things nobody else did, before I moved to this town I didn't hear things nobody else did“ So I think you mean that the visions and auditory hallucinations only started after Colby arrived in this town?
I find the “title drop” very fitting! And I like that they pan out to become the eyes of crows!
Oh why powerful tho? “I felt scared, powerful yet..” I might need a little handholding here ^^°
Oh I always love when the words get funky like this: “ẁ̶̧̙̥̦̞͎̖̤́͑̉͐͛̏̊̕͠ả̴̛͔̻̼̖̙͎̳̓̏̌͋͝͠k̴̡̮̖͉͉̥͚̟̪͙̐͆̓́̒͌̕͠͠ę̸̥̻͔̳͚̈́̿̃̍̑͛̈́ ̸̢͖͔̼̃u̶͙̯̟̘̪̯͔̍͒̓̋͘p̵̡̧̟̭̼̘̙̭̔̾̓̇́̅͒͋͝ ̸̨̨̮̮͍̝̦̻͚̈̒̌͊̄̊W̶̨͖̳͖̖͎̟̠̼̱̓̅͐̂́̂͒A̷̜͍͈͌͂̏K̷̠̙̙̗͖͚̓̓Ḙ̵̙̺̆̋̉̒̇ ̷̺̦́͒̃U̸̟̭̥̟̱͌̏̐̀̑́̂̍͠P̶̡̹̜̝̜̮̯̺̣͛̉́́͘͠͝ͅ” I love it~ And it feels very appropriate for the corruption happening!
(Also, teach me how to do thissss)
Very visceral scene at the end but my immediate take away was actually a giddy: Ohhh is this Alaric from last chapter???
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i really liked this piece, it was a very interesting follow-up from the last one. personally i really like that we jump to a new character, and them meeting in the end felt really satisfying for some reason. i'm definitely intrigued about where this is going.
like the last piece though, i do have some things i'd like to point out.
there are definitely less typos in this one than the previous, but there are several instances where the first letter of a sentence is not capitalized. when colby calls himself a coward the 'I' in 'im' is not capitalized and there's an apostrophe missing.
some sentences are still a bit awkwardly long and could benefit from being broken up. for example 'I winced at the hard sound, my head pounding slightly harder at the loud sound, I adjusted my hearing aid "yes mother."' is pretty long and 'I know im a coward, I've always been, it's me or nothing, that's my motto.' could pretty naturally be divided into two shorter sentences.
lastly, 'I slam my forehead harder on the hard bricks to a hard wet slump crack.' is a bit oddly phrased. i understand the action, it's just a bit awkward. you use the adjective 'hard' three times and i'm not entirely certain what you mean by ''to a hard wet slump crack'. i'm guessing you mean that when he's slamming his head against the bricks, there's a loud, unpleasant crack. i'd recommend rephrasing this, though.
anyway, like i said, i really did like them meeting up. i'm very curios about both of these characters and looking forward to see where their stories go. i also like the 'it's not mine' line relating to the blood. my only worry is that in the future the chapters might be 'overloaded' with gore, which could soften the impact of it.
like i said i really enjoy reading this because you don't shy away from the grisly stuff and cussing, but a personal tip is that i've found horror scenes usually hit harder when the action carries it instead of the adjectives.
TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN THANK YOU SO SO MUCH YAYYY