The Addicted Roundup

Saw you doing reviews and decided to show up for your story :3

Alrighty let’s head right in: Can you rly slam your head up? You might want to use a different verb here, especially bc it will get rid of the repetition of “slammed into a wall” that follows :3

Oha… If the teeth shatter, I thought there would be a bigger reaction O_O

Hmmm I kinda wish you would have given a little more context. Like, is your MC regularly beaten while waking up? Then maybe you could have a quick sentence or two to establish that, just business as usual. I also wish why they’re provoking their brother and why there seems to be so little reaction (is it not painful?) to the assault…

Maybe also establish where they get the glass from? =D

That said the heart in their hand is a really good image~ I like that they actually do think abt the implications and kinda also the metaphors.
I guess an argument could be made for self-defence here.

Very visceral story, a bit too much on the bloody side (how are they still alive??) and yeah, like Noridori said, a lot of typos :3

i spotted your recent review and wanted to check you out lol. the short description of this piece immediately drew me in and i’m glad it did.

i really enjoy how you don’t shy away from the gore, and reading this gave me actual visceral reactions. i usually don’t stumble upon grisly writing like this so it was certainly and experience lol, i also really like your use of italics

that being said there are a few things i want to point out.

‘i’ should always be capitalized, and there are also some places where you don’t capitalize the first letter of a new sentence. just a quick read-through would do this piece some good to fix little things like that.

there are also some sentences i think could benefit from being broken up or slightly rephrased. for example, ‘He screamed at me, spitting out, his grip on the pipe tightened as my blood drips down to his wrists, his pupils dilate and spit runs down his chin.’ is pretty long and there are several ways you could break it up naturally. also i’m not entirely certain what you mean by ‘spitting out’. if you meant it like he spat out the words it clashes since you’ve already used a word to describe it, screamed. if you meant that he spat on the narrator i’d recommend clarifying that by rephrasing slightly.

the part where he picked up the glass confused me a bit. it’s a good element but it felt a bit out of the blue. i’d recommend including a part where picks up a shard of glass so it feels more grounded and natural in the narrative.

i’d also really like to see you describe his pain in more detail to match the rest of the story. you do a great job of describing both of the character’s actions and we get a lot of descriptions of his blood and teeth and other stuff, but then when he gets hit in the head all he feels is the sting? i think i’d be a great addition to give more time to describing his pain here to immerse the reader even more.

there are also some typos toward the beginning of this text.
‘...holding on y a thread astray bleed…’ - i’m assuming it’s meant to say ‘holding on by a thread as they’
however i’m not sure what you mean by ‘date room’? while reading i assumed it was meant to say ‘the room’, but i could be mistaken. either way there should be a ‘the’ in that sentence.
‘I did NOT want to know were from.’ - i’m assuming it’s either meant to be ‘where’ from or ‘where they were from’

finally i just wanted to say i really liked the ending. i like the way you cut off right before he presumably eats the heart, it creates a lot of suspense. this was a really unique and intriguing piece, great work!