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16+ Violence

Sacrilege

by Anamel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Sacrilege

That tall, angled window hates me. I want to grab the sun that makes my skin boil out of the sky. I want to crush it under my dirty fingernails and let the juices run down my face. The world mocks me and Father uses me. I cannot bear to live like this anymore. Before sunrise, I am ordered to stand in the holy presence of that window. Each day its hellish rays cook my skin. I loathe the hymns and graces Father sings to God. He has never seen God. I have never seen God.

The evil ghost of the Sun clogs this dirty, dark room. It watches and God watches and Father watches. They all watched as Mary’s body was crushed under a shaft and all of her bones crunched into a lifeless soup. Her screams echoed through the mill. Her vacant eyes and mangled body were carried away. Father murmured a few praises to God.

“O for a heart to praise my God! A heart from sin set free, a heart that always feels thy blood, so freely shed for me.” He whispers it in the fervor of a madman and dashes away. I wonder if he is guilty. I wonder if he will pay for his sin. I wonder if he will get punished. I want him to go to Hell and burn alive. He keeps me here even when all the other children leave or sleep.

“But son, you are only fourteen years of age. You cannot eat if I do not provide you with food. You would die if not for me. You must shed your blood for Him.” I hate it when my fingers bleed. Father asks at every sunset if I had sacrificed my blood for God. I tell him no and then he clenches his teeth and turns pale. He smiled the time I begged him for help. It’s hard to use the machinery with four fingers. Father rambled praises for my dutifulness to God. He grabbed my wrist and stroked my hand down his cheek. His yellowed eyes stared into my face as his mouth contorted into weird shapes.

Tonight Father is asleep. The moon faces me and the Sun is behind me. The crickets hiss as I run across the soggy, wet ground. I didn’t know Freedom was scary. It feels weird but amazing, too. The moon doesn’t look fully finished. It looks kinda boring, actually. It’s not even a full circle like how Mary told me it was. A feeling I’ve never felt before is making me laugh. The hill is coming closer and closer. I clutch the textiles tighter in my hand now. I had made everything perfect the night before. Now God won’t use me anymore and the Sun won’t torture me anymore and Father can’t make me his slave anymore. They let Mary free when her body wasn’t working anymore.

The tall cross Father bows in front of each morning is in front of me now. I don’t understand why he respects it and worships it so much. It looks like a dumb old board of wood to me. My mouth forms into a grin as I hop onto the bench and tie the expensive, yellow textile around my neck.

“The Sun will have to face me now! I’m not a coward. Father can’t call me a coward anymore!” I kick the bench from underneath my feet. I can feel my eyes bulging out of my skull as my chest struggles to breathe. My eyes are shut tight as my body fights to stay alive. I’m a free boy now.


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65 Reviews


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Sun Oct 27, 2019 4:59 am
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dahlia58 wrote a review...



This was terrifying. In a good way. Religious fanaticism and blood sacrifices are most certainly under the "horror" category. I especially liked how you described Mary's death as her being set free (at least in the boy's mind). It was quite powerful, not to mention horrifying. I can also see the tension building up as the unfortunate boy prepares to hang himself. Personally, I hope the Father character gets what he deserves.^^

This was a great read.




Anamel says...


Thank you!



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Fri Oct 11, 2019 1:04 am
Fishr wrote a review...



Hi there.

So, this was a very strange story. The beginning was interesting enough and I was curious about the boy and why he hated the sun so much and how it made his skin boil. Some outwardly for of punishment? Then I read about a god of sorts who commands blood sacrifices but unfortunately the relationship between the father and son gets lost somewhere in the muddle and by the end, the boy (son?) just goes off and kills himself which was really to abrupt. I would like for you to describe to us the nature of this god, why it should or needs to be appeased, and why the father believes so strongly in worshiping it if this deity requests so much physical harm?

Keep writing! 😊




Anamel says...


By God I mean literal God, like the Christian one and thank you



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Sun Sep 29, 2019 3:32 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Anamel! Tuck dropping by with a quick review for you today.

First, I want to commend you on how you were able to use imagery to paint such beautiful pictures. You have a powerful control of words and descriptive images and metaphors that make your story really come alive and gives it some originality. It's a great touch on your story and gives you a unique and exciting writing style.

However, one suggestion I have for you is to vary your sentence structure from time to time. You use a lot of shorter, simple sentences, and it would increase the complexity of your writing and make it more engaging on a subconscious level if you added variety. Here's an example of what you currently have and some changes I would make to it so that you have a better understanding of what I'm talking about:

He whispers it in the fervor of a madman and dashes away. I wonder if he is guilty. I wonder if he will pay for his sin. I wonder if he will get punished. I want him to go to Hell and burn alive. He keeps me here even when all the other children leave or sleep.


He whispers in the fervor of a madman and dashes away. I wonder if he is guilty, or if he will pay for his sons, or if he will get punished. I want him to go to hell and burn alive, for he keeps me here even when all the other children leave or sleep.


The second paragraph has a short sentence, a medium-length sentence, and then a long, complex sentence. If you examine them both, you'll probably find that the second one is more engaging and interesting, and it's a really subtle way to get your reader to be more interested in the story.

Another thing I would like to see done in this story is more expansion on the plot. You skipped a little in time during the escape, where you spent some time describing landmarks and the emotions associating with those landmarks, but not a lot of actual action. You get us to the end result of your MC being exhausted and out of breath, but you don't describe him actually running. There's a bit of a gap there that I think you need to fill

But overall, this was a very strongly written chapter and I enjoyed reading it! You have a unique writing style that I found intriguing, and the way you used description and imagery made it easy and fun to read. If you have any questions about my review, please don't hesitate to let me know. I hope to see you around the site and read more from you!

All my best,
Tuck




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Sat Sep 28, 2019 9:15 am
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Asith wrote a review...



Hello! God, this is an interesting story. I love these morbid types of short stories, so perhaps I'm biased in your favour, but I really did enjoy it. I'll try to put aside my love for the actual critique though :)


Now then, I think the strongest parts of this story are the beginning and the end. They're certainly my favourite parts, anyway. Of course, that means that the weakest parts would lie in the middle, so let's try to talk about why I think that is:

Pacing
Your pacing is generally spot-on. However, it's in the middle that you tend to lose your skill. I think the falter in pacing is essentially the only thing that weakens your story. The middle of a story is a pretty common place to lose sense of pacing, especially in an unedited first draft, so it's not too surprising. The main problem is that it's too fast for a section where so many things happen. The destruction of Mary; the main character's thoughts on whether Father will be punished for his sin. Ideally, these two things should be focused and expanded upon, because they're very powerful. Especially the part about sin -- it adds great insight into the main character's thoughts on this whole situation. Yes, you've already given us a lot of that insight, but dwelling on it here (the concepts of sin, punishment, and prayer) would be a very tasteful way of adding a lot of extra effect!
The problem continued into the parts with the blood, fingers, and asking Father for help. These are also very powerful, and they go by just a little too fast! I'd really like to focus on these horrors, especially because they seem like main immediate motivators for the main character's later actions. I love the descriptions you use at the end of this paragraph, and I think it would be cool to see that a lot more as well!


Well, there it is. For an unedited first draft, the fact that I only have one major point to talk about says a lot about the quality of your story. If I had to add more points, they would be to bring out the actual premise a bit more vividly to the reader (what exactly is the standing in front of the window supposed to signify?) and to try to bring out the utter reality of the situation (which you've actually done a decent job of so far). Revising the middle of the story to bring it up to the same standards as the beginning and end would really help this go a long way! It's pretty short, so don't be afraid to stretch out that middle either :)


Very VERY minor nitpick:
"Now God won’t use me anymore and the Sun won’t torture me anymore and Father can’t make me his slave anymore. They let Mary free when her body wasn’t working anymore.
I like the repetition of the word "anymore" in this bit, except for the last one. I think the fourth repetition seems out of place and weak, instead of adding any effect. Removing it and rewording the sentence to something without that word ("They let Mary free when her body stopped working"?) might work better :)




Anamel says...


Thank you!




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane