Young Writers Society

Hello, Chips here with a review.

I thought this was a piece which was very relateable to most people. It had a focus on romance throughout which was good. You used good word choices and the emotion was there. I also liked your use of rhetorical question.

Now for the review:

I felt this piece was almost better suited as a diary entry as oppose to an essay, since the general essay aspects like an introduction, main view, examples, formality and conclusion were written more like thoughts.

"It was like crazy."

I like how personable this beginning was, slightly humorous in the sense that it would be the informal phrasing you would use when talking to a friend. From the essay point of view, I wouldn't have begun it with this line. Perhaps expressing it in a formal way yet still keeping the personable element? Balancing the two would be great.

"The fighting is what kept us going, it's what kept the passion there. We were halves and without the other we could never really be whole. We still can't. All the gory bits of me and all the gory bits of him."

Good points: This to me, sounded like a poem and could work as either. It flowed well and had a real sense of emotion to it. The descriptions were expressed nicely too.

Improvements: As an introduction, it didn't quite work since here it seems like the middle section where the reader already understands what is going on. For an introduction, it should have been less detailed in relation to the main story. It should have briefly highlighted what your points will be based on throughout your essay.

As an overview:

I feel like the reader doesn't understand a lot of what is going on as there are no characters addressed and no examples or story timing. More information is needed and slightly less personal thoughts because it begins to verge on a diary filled with thoughts.

Hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chippy

I got the feeling at the end of this piece that it wasn't finished. You start talking about this specific person and how you and this person were fighting and shouting, and was that love? Was it? This shifts into a more general discussion of what love is and what it isn't, as you know, about how it's all the colors at once, and how you've known it, but then again shifts into you wanting a love that no one in the world could ever describe.

So I felt like it was going to be natural for you to circle back around to the person you mention in the beginning of the piece and see if that person's description matches what you talked about with the love you want? I mean, if you can talk about what you had with them, doesn't that mean in this small space that you've been writing and exploring your own thoughts, you've found they're not, after all, what you want?

Or, if you're still trying to fight for that person in your mind, for their potential, what makes you fight? Do you have dreams while you're waking of the ways that it might all work out, about how you could just try to get in the same space as that person one more time to see if maybe there will be the unspeakable love you're looking for?

I feel like this train of thought was not finished, and until it's finished, it doesn't know what it wants to me. Most literary journals wouldn't publish a piece like this because it's too personal and train-of-thought, with no clear characters, movement, or journey. But you push yourself through that journey, keep thinking and keep writing, and you may find a point to build this essay around.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you.

PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

This review courtesy of

Alright I am here for a review and I hope I write as much as I can for you to explain stuff.

Firstly, it is a great essay. The flow seems alright too. Your language was easy to understand and conveyed your point easily without me to open up any dictionary.

If I were to answer a question from your essay, I would pick up the third paragraph's second question. Well frankly, love is when you try to sleep and you can't, when you try to speak, but you can't, when not only your heart but your soul feels that you are incomplete, when you feel you need someone in your life who cares, whom without you are not full.

My favorite part was the second last paragraph. As you said "all love is different" loved it.

And finally, what did you describe in the last paragraph? What really you want? Love or him? Sorry that was the only part I am confused about.

Anyway it is a superb effort. Keep doing it so that I can read more of your work