Published August 18, 2011
Look,
You see right through me
As if I am not there.
You start to notice who I am,
Here she comes,
And
Once again, I disappear.
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Canary word: Present
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138,393 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Hi Teeny! I'm Sol, and I'm here to review... or something like that. xD Okay, this poem is simple and short, but I like it.
Though, I think it needs punctuation.
However, you did a great job!
~Solvy <3
Ah, this is a really nice piece, even for its length. You have enough substance there to let us know whats going on, and at the same time not say everything thats happening. It keeps us guessing about what made you write this piece. This is a beautiful piece, no matter the length =] Really well done.
Hi there! Welcome to YWS!
First off I'd like to say that this poem definitely has potential. Not that it's bad, but I think you could've added more to it. It's very short and doesn't really have a set rhythm or flow to it. The beginning of a poem introduces the flow, tempo, rhyme scheme, etc. But because you don't really have a start/beginning, you can't introduce all those to the reader.
You also don't have much description in this. Again, you're limited because there's not a lot of words, so use the right words. Tell me who 'she' is. Tell me where you are. Who's looking at you? Where do you disappear to? Give me some details. I want to feel the sorrow you feel as you aren't noticed. I want to feel the hatred or dislike or love towards the person looking away.
Overall this is a good poem. If you can think of any way to expand on it that would be great! I hope this helped you and I wasn't harsh. PM me if you have any questions about anything. Keep writing!