Published April 26, 2013
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
I like how I can paint a picture while reading without difficulty. I don't know a lot about poems to be honest but I found this very well written. It flowed extremely well from one sentence to the other and I didn't catch any mistakes. Then again I wouldn't know what to look for in a poem that would count as a mistake. Overall very good and pleasingly to read in my opinion.
Keep writing and above all have fun doing it.
i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.
Hi Amy and welcome to YWS!
First off, I must point out that there's some typos, such as "yesterady" and the title itself.
Secondly, rhyming can be catchy and powerful, but here I don't think it's doing the piece any favors. For example, this line:
Cogent is kind of a fancy word, which doesn't really fit in the rest of the piece that has simple words. Also this line is really long. In a rhyming piece, rhythm is very important, and this throws it off big time.
This also feels like it was thrown in for the rhyme. Who gives a speech at the beach? In the future, try not to let the rhyme scheme dictate what you say.
This stanza hints at how darker events have progressed since the photo was taken, a la Pink's "Family Portrait". This is at odds with the happy images in the rest of the piece. I think if you're going to go down this road, the contrast should be present throughout. Otherwise, I'd just keep it happy.
Overall, I do think you have some good images here, but a forced rhyming is holding the piece back. I might rewrite in free verse and also clarify how light/dark you want it to be. Welcome to YWS and most importantly, keep writing!
So, I'm only commenting on this so I can earn points. So, sorry.
But, all-in-all I rather like this poem. It actually paints a picture in my mind unlike half the other people that write "poems." Not only that but, yours actually has stanzas, proper grammer, proper placing of commas and periods, and has a rhyme scheme. So, good job! Please, keep writing.