When I'm left alone in the quiet to think, I remember the coolness of so many empty shells. Friends, loved ones, all dressed up and laid out for that final sleep, for one last brush of a hand against their marble skin. Tucked into bed, they now lay resting beneath six feet of earth. Every year more stones pop up in the field across the way, with more flowers watered with tears. Young lovebirds mourn to equal mothers burying sons, and even children whimper, but I won't cry anymore:
Death is standing beside me, his scaly hand resting on my shoulder. Behind him are an army of my lost, all who have passed and left me alone, calling me to come away with them. I feel their silent summons and calls, pleas that I leave this broken world for their new one. And then, I have the strange desire to listen. My bones creak and ache, and in my being I grow weary of this confinement in a body that has long been worn out. I crave the freedom of youth that age stole away and now death promises to give back.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there,
I'm Jas and I suppose I'll be reviewing your piece. :]
I liked this. I truly did and I feel like you could expand it farther out so instead of us just getting a glimpse of what this old person feels of death, it becomes more personal, more relatable. You have beautiful imagery and the way you describe things like
and
is so fantastic and metaphoric and all that other literary nonsense which basically means it's amazing and makes us really put together the analogy. The ending felt out of place and kind of sudden, like the story wasn't actually finished and you had just forgotten to post the rest. So, overall, really expand this, work on it and make it a story. Give it characters and a plot, a conflict and a resolution. You've got a skeleton of a story here and these bones really need some meat.
Favorite Line: 'with more flowers watered with tears'
Grade: B+
If you have any questions, please PM me or shoot me a message on my wall.
~Jas
Hey! I'm Stela and I'll be reviewing for you today.
I feel like that second sentence could somehow be incorporated into the first one. I feel as though that period between the two sentences makes the piece slightly heavy. I don't know if that's the correct word, even. Just fix your beginning! It's what hooks your readers in.I really think you have a beautiful, almost poetic piece in the making. However, there are some things that caught my attention. Your opening sentences, for example, could be improved.
Oh, and one more nitpick:
I don't understand the need for the colon. Why? What is its purpose?
Overall, I liked this. I just think that if you fix it up a little, it'll be even better.
I really enjoyed this. It was a bit short though and some lines you might want to revise and fix. Good job. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider