Hey there Amy. So, I have to say right off the bat that you did a wonderful job here as far as grammar and such went and you definitely have a very distinct style. But there is a problem here in the story.
That problem is that we don’t know who your Main Character is. You make it seem like Dr. Harlow but at the same time, you could question that idea by making this a story about Mike. The thing is, do you know who is going to carry the story.
I use the television show Monk as an example whenever people write about a session of therapy. Monk carries the session through, even if his therapist (though the characters name evades me) is the one asking questions. Right now, all you have is a depressed Mike and the all knowing therapist. But neither of them is taking the lead here. And one of them does. This is all a matter of characterization. You need a leader.
drama_queen made a good point as well about how it started off well but then becomes a bit drab near the end. This has to do with your dialogue I think. There’s a saying somewhere about how you should never write something without it having a point in the story. And it’s true. Every word should be carrying the story forward, in one way or another, whether it’s revealing an aspect of a characters personality or telling some special plot detail. And one of the best way’s to do this is through dialogue.
But the dialogue you have here doesn’t do much more then talk. There’s a difference between dialogue and conversation. And what you have right now is only conversation. Give what they’re saying meaning and you have dialogue.
You have a good idea, it’s just a matter of knowing what you need in the story and what you don’t need. Weeding out the bad so what’s left is great. Good luck and happy writing.
~lilymoore
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